Resolutions #429 1/8/2019

Like the pine trees lining the winding road I got a name, I got a name Like the singing bird and the croaking toad I got a name, I got a name – I Got A Name – 1973 – Jim Croce

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. Oh yes, an occasional rant. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties. Remember, the brave kids who made this land free for you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR DRIVELERS!!!! May this New Year be full of joy, may your resolutions last as long as your cravings for unhealthy food, and may you feel the magic of the New Year in your heart.

Let this New Year fill you with hope instead of cookies, with joy instead of ice cream, and with wonder instead of potato chips and may the next year find your waistline slimmer, your wallet fatter, your cholesterol lower, and your tolerance level higher.

I promised myself that I would not embarrass myself again by making resolutions to only break them hours later. They just seem to be something to be broken so why go through the exercise not to mention the harassment by friends. Well, on New Year’s Day having nothing else to do, I started to jot down some simple resolutions that I felt I could achieve in 2019 with a very little fear factor.

This year, I therefore have vowed that I will:

• Trim my nose and ear hairs.
• Sit in my room all day in my nightshirt rather than doing so in the living room.
• Use a lot more deodorant and wash my clothes much less often.
• Save water by not bathing.
• Figure out exactly why I need to spend so much time checking my Gmail, Yahoo mail, Pop mail, AOL mail, Facebook mail, Facebook updates, Twitter account, and YouTube page.
• Find that damn manual and actually read it, just as soon as I press this button.
• Try to come up with a password more creative than “Password”.
• Be a bit more imaginative

These resolutions shouldn’t get me into too much trouble. Well, the nose and ear hair removal thing could haunt me I suppose but honestly, I have tried to keep the list doable. Many of the funny New Year’s resolutions people make are all about things that you will do rather than things you won’t do. Sure, people resolve to give up smoking, drinking or sex but I mean really tough things. We don’t share those hard things we will NOT do any longer and especially this year. Now if you look at my last resolution above, “Be a bit more imaginative”, I am sharing the resolutions I promise not to do this year. These are real gems and I have avoided temptation since Jan. 1. This New Year, I will no longer:

• Run while juggling knives
• Play baseball with a hand grenade and a loaded rocket launcher
• Pillow fight with a bag of spare change
• Talk with my mouth full of nails
• Drink paint thinner while smoking a cigarette
• Play with matches at a gas station
• Try to perform stunts with my car on the local bridges
• Play “Chicken” with local freight trains
• Cause global warming singlehandedly
• Shower while making toast on the edge of my bathtub
• Wear a bacon costume and tease the dancing bear

My good friend, Murphy our Boston Terrier, got into the act also. He really is pretty smart. His New Year’s Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand! Ah, he has caught on to the fake toss trick.

I have been looking for some good stuff for my blog and my current wife pitched in with some George Carlin stuff. She knows I am a big fan of his. Here are some of his views on aging.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. ‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50, and your dreams are gone…. But! wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So……you BECOME 21, “TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50, and make it to 60. You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80’s, and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’ May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

We have seen George Carlin’s take on aging. What if we don’t want to age? Got a few tips for you to stay young.

• Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
• Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
• Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s family name is Alzheimer’s.
• Enjoy the simple things.
• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
• The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves Be ALIVE while you are alive.
• Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
• Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

While on vacation during the holidays, I overheard one story after another. Not that I was eves dropping mind you, but people tend to shop in clusters chatting and grazing as they go. So many in fact that I couldn’t remember them all. Some I got while shopping at Wal-Mart, of course. But others I picked up in restaurants, coffee shops, drug stores. Here are a few that I remember.

• I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
• After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.
• Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
• A chap’s wife’s is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)
• The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her: “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!” (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)
• I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
• My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” I replied: “Oh, so now you want me to stay!”
• A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?” Granny replies: ” The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

The Wallingford sign for this week.

…….. Well my friends, there you have it as told by yours truly to you all. Thanks for allowing me into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again – “TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or if you prefer to receive it via email, send an email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.