Merry Christmas #428 12/20/2018

 

“Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.” – Voltaire

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. Oh yes, an occasional rant. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties. Remember, the brave kids who made this land free for you.

Hey Guys, come on in. Drivel time again. Here we are in the last month of the year and I, for one, am just not prepared. Things like Christmas decorating, shopping, birthdays (we have 2 around Christmas), tax planning. OMG, how will I ever get it all done? There are so many things to do, people to see and questions to be answered.

It’s 2018, I’m past 70 years of age and I still have so many unanswered questions!!!!

I haven’t found out who let the dogs out…where’s the beef…how to get to Sesame Street… why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop……

Why eggs are packaged in a flimsy carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails…what does the fox say… why “abbreviated” is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator… why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons…

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections… and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to… why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways… why does The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune… why did you just try to sing those two previous songs… and just what exactly is Victoria’s secret? and where is Waldo?… Can you hear me now? ….Do you really think I am this witty?? … Silly you, I actually got this from a friend.

I do come up with some thought-provoking issues to ponder from time to time on my own especially when I am cruising down the highway listening to the 60’s tunes blaring at nearly full blast. I match the radio volume with the volume of my tinnitus that day. Oh my, the rich sounds and vocals coming out of the 60’s music can’t be beat. You can pick out individual voices, instruments or combinations. Wow!

Last week while cruising down Interstate 380 toward the VA Hospital, I was in one of those moods. The sun shining, fairly warm, little wind and my voice fairly good for a change. Before I know it, off I go with ‘What country is Timbuktu in?’ I fiddled with my geography before I confessed that I had no stinking clue. Moving on slightly I wondered ‘When will the world end?’ Jeez brain, give me a break. I’m guessing, mind you just guessing, but I will say 3 to 4 billion years. I got done with my sing-along with the Righteous Brothers singing ‘Unchained Melody’ when I passed a McDonald’s and wondered why they don’t sell hotdogs. I pulled into the VA Hospital parking lot wondering further why there are no ‘B’ batteries. Oh well another of life’s mysteries I suppose.

The next day I am Christmas shopping. My current wife and I are in Target roaming the aisles. Target has an awful lot of nice merchandise. On one xmas list was something called ‘bean bozzled game’. We searched every toy shelf for this animal. We didn’t have a clue as to what it was, what it looked like, or anything. Finally, I grabbed a young man. Not literally, mind you, just figuratively. Pardon me but can you tell me where I might find the ‘bean bozzled game’? Oh sure, it is in aisle w17in the food department by the candy. With the current wife in tow, we waddle over there but he was all wet. It wasn’t there. It wasn’t anywhere, and we don’t even know what it is, so it may very well be there right in front of us. If the name isn’t written out plainly, large, and bold we will never see it. I could only imagine hearing “Customer down in Aisle W17 – Bean Bozzled seizure”. My oh, my. Well, on to plan B. What the h#!! was Plan B anyway. Crap, gotta talk to the current wife and find out if see remembers anything about a Plan B.

How It All Started
As I have procrastinated a couple of weeks getting this blog out, Christmas is almost upon us. We still have not found our Plan B. My finger nails are getting shorter and shorter. In the meantime, I thought I needed to share this write up I found as to how it all got started – on line shopping that is.

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, “And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the Deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed, did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay,” he said, “we need a name that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!” said Dot Com…

And now you know how it all began.

24 Words of Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine – –is like night!
2. On the other hand – – -you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 % of all statistics – – are made up on the spot!
4. 99% of Lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average!
6. He who laughs last – – – thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap!
9. Support bacteria! They’re the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory!
11. Change is inevitable – – – except from vending machines!
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand!
14. O.K.! So, what’s the speed of Dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, You’re in the wrong lane!
16. Hard work pays off in the future! Laziness pays off NOW!
17. How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines!
19. What happens if you get scared half to death – – twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering – – “What the heck happened”?
22. Just remember – – If the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off!
23. Light travels faster than sound! That’s why some people appear bright – – – until you hear them speak!
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates! It’s more like a jar of jalapenos! What you do today, might burn you on the ass tomorrow!

You may remember back on page one, I was wondering about how long the earth would survive. Seems as though someone has figured out that unless, a major catastrophe occurs beforehand, in 4.4 billion years the sun will cease to provide heat and light. I don’t plan on sticking around for that event.

The Wallingford sign for this week.

…….. Well my friends, there you have it as told by yours truly to you all. This is the last Drivel Over Coffee of this year. Our next issue will be January 8th, health willing. Sorry for taking so long getting this issue out. It wasn’t great, but it was interesting at least. Thanks for allowing me into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again – “TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or if you prefer to receive it via email, send an email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.