And when I told her I didn’t love her anymore, she cried. And when I told her her kisses were not like before she cried. – She Cried – 1962 – Jay and The Americans
Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. Oh yes, an occasional rant. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties. Remember, the brave kids who made this land free for you.
How Bugs Feel
When I was about 5 or 6, my mom and dad bought my older brother and me bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the farm yard showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I F@#$%NG RAM INTO OUR CAR AT FULL SPEED. Our parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into our car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis.
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st Lady: Hi Wanda!
2nd Lady: Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?
1st Lady: I froze to death.
2nd Lady: How horrible!
1st Lady: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Lady: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st Lady: So, what happened?
2nd Lady: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Lady: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer – we’d both still be alive.
Sunday Day Trip
Sven, Svenette and I took a day trip last Sunday into Northeast Iowa. First off, I want to thank Sven for driving. It is so much more fun taking the day trip from the rear seat for a change. I got to see so much more scenery. We took in the Field of Dreams. There was a good crowd there which was good to see. I had been there before, but it was a first for Sven and Svenette. Next up was Gunder for a Gunderburger. On the way there, Sven took us past his family farm that he grew up on. This was his stomping grounds and showed us many interesting haunts of his childhood. Sven has a bunch of cousins in that area who met us for lunch. I believe there were 9 or ten of us all told. Only two Gunderburgers were ordered out of the bunch though. Yep, I was one of those. I made a lap around the bun eating the burger that was hanging outside of the bun. I had a half dozen or so bites into the burger and I was done. A ‘togo’ box was ordered naturally. On our way to the next stop in Decorah, I reflected that it would certainly be nice if my brain and stomach communicated BEFORE ordering a meal instead of after. I would like it if I could order a meal befitting my level of hunger not my level of desire for the food on the menu. Ego plays a huge part in the decision process for sure.
Our next stop was Seed Savers of America in Decorah. Naturally it was raining while we were there, so we couldn’t explore the outside area but did find some nice things in the gift shop. Sven had a stop picked at a brewery as our next stop in Decorah. He was familiar with the beverages brewed by this company. It was a nice place. Our last stop was a creamery in Waukon for cheese curds and ice cream. Yum! A great way to top off our day trip. Then it was back home. Very nice way to spend a day being chauffeured around northeast Iowa. Enjoyed it a lot.
The Dead Cow Lecture
This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard. I may have had this in a blog before, but I get caught not paying attention all the time and thought a repeat was in order.
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”
This past weekend was Labor Day weekend. Traditionally signaling the end of summer. A long weekend filled with camp outs, BBQ’s, the start of football season, a visit to the lake and so forth. For me it signals the beginning of one of my favorite seasons – Fall. I love the cool days and cooler evenings and nights with low humidity. Humidity and warm temperatures drive me inside anymore. I get energized to get outside and complete projects that I have put off all summer. Over the years, Svenette has put together a family fantasy football league. There are 8 of us vying for a little bit of nothing except bragging rights. Labor Day we get together to draft players for our teams. The draft is preceded by a good lunch prepared by Chefs Sven & Svenette. Everyone has their own strategy. There has not been a strategy that has proven to be foolproof over the years, but we continue to try. By the luck of the draw, I usually am one of the last ones to pick so my choice for each round is always limited. The best players are usually gone by the time it is my turn. It is a fun time with the family members with a LOT of good natured ribbing and teasing back and forth going on plus the endless exchange of player stats proffered always after I have made my bad selection. My salvation is that I have 16 weeks to continue to better my teams by trading strategically during the season. It has worked reasonably well in the past.
My current wife was telling me that a Sunday school teacher friend of hers told her about the time she was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. “My mother looked back once while she was driving,” one boy said. “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: “We’re #1 in the #2 business.”
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
At a Proctologist’s door: “To expedite your visit please back in.”
On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
On a Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”
On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Nonsmoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
On a Fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station: “Tank heaven for little grills.”
Sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1)”Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has started to dig.”
(2) “His men would follow him anywhere, ……. but only out of morbid curiosity.”
(3) “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
(4) “This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’.”
(5) “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
(6) “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
(7) “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
(8) “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
(9) “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
(10) “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
(11) “This employee should go far, ….. and the sooner he starts, the better.”
(12) “Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it altogether.”
(13) “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
(14) “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
(15) “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
(16) “He’s been working with glue too much.”
(17) “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
(18) “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
(19) “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
(20) “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ….. he’s the other one.”
(21) “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
(22) “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
(23) “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
(24) “It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”
(25) “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;….. he only gargled.”
…….. Well my friends, there you have it as told by yours truly to you all. Thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again – “TA!”
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