Stupid- #416 8/28/2018

She played around and teased me with her carefree devil eyes. She’d hold me close and kiss me, but her heart was full of lies. – “Poor Little Fool” – 1958 – Ricky Nelson

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties. Remember, the brave kids who made this land free for you and me.

Good morning Drivelers! Can’t believe a week has gone by already. Please take a seat while I roll out the soap box. Yes, I’m sorry, I have a what a what I hop is a short rant that I need my box for. I promise to try to keep it short. ……. There we go. Can everyone hear me? Okay, great!

My real hot button these days is stupidity. Yes, stupid people. It seems that the number of stupid people that are among us have increased immensely. You can rarely avoid bumping into stupidity when shopping anymore. A friend of mine sent me a few memes that are perfect examples of stupid is as stupid does and says. For my liberal brethren out there, please excuse me. I am not picking on you on purpose. If you feel the need you may skip ahead.

Poor Nancy, she is such an easy example of stupidity. Just read the words that have come out of her mouth. Insane. Anyway, she is just a public example. People such as Nancy are among us everywhere. You can’t avoid them, correct their behavior or eradicate them. Just giving you a heads up. Someone said, “Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, then to speak and remove all doubt.” That is todays rant – Not too bad now was it?

While ranting I began thinking how stupid I have gotten in my golden years. Yes, I have gotten progressively more stupid as time has passed. Just the other day for instance, I was at my favorite shopping place – the grocery store. I picked up milk as usual. Done it a thousand times. No changes, nothing different, same oh, same oh. Got home and the current wife asked, “Are we switching to skim milk?” OMG – I have become one of “Them”. Instead of our usual 2% milk I grabbed the skim milk. The next morning, I returned it to the store hoping they would exchange it. No worries, they gladly complied. I explained the situation to the customer service lady and she got quite a chuckle out of it. She said many guys come in with the lids from the milk bottles with them, so they don’t get the wrong one. Off I go to my trusty laptop and I start googling my head off. I am trying to find a cause or an explanation for the cause of stupidity. Finally, buried in the dark recesses of the dark web I found a research paper with perhaps some clues.

These papers allude to the presence of some type neuro-switch controller of stupidity located in the brain behind the right eye. Apparently, it is kind of a slider switch of sorts. Left is 0% stupid and right is 100% stupid. The young stupids are born that way bearing a genetic defect or they may have received one or more jarring impacts to the head causing the switch to move with each blow. Per these papers the elderly also are a target when the “older than dirt syndrome” attacks. It seems to interact with this switch progressively over time. The switch advancing toward the right slowly over several years. Now I have no clue, only suspicions, where my switch is at this moment. To be on the safe side, you will see me banging the left side of my head against the wall once in a while hoping to jar that switch to the left. In other words, bring it back more to the 0% stupid marker. It has been six months now of following this regime. Don’t believe my stupid switch has budged but I have created a lovely bulge on my left side that the doctor seems to be quite concerned with. She doesn’t understand where this could have come from. Naturally, I didn’t offer any insights.

The Stairs
Several guys from church came over to help me by building a set of stair steps on the back of my patio. The project leader seemed to be Charles (not his real name). He graciously hauled me back and forth from Menards allowing me to spend my money and take advantage of the 11% discount deals. Obtaining supplies went really well with the exception of the handrails. Two weeks ago, they were out, and we were assured that they would be getting more in asap. Fine. The day we planned to start, I went over to get the them – guess what? Still no handrails. Twenty minutes before Mr. Hot&Cool, Gee the toolman, and Akey Breaky showed up. The crew worked pretty well together. Gee and Akey with Charles worked in kind of a tag team manner with one taking a break. Mr. Hot&Cool, proudly sitting in his lawn chair a few feet away, displayed the almost identical scars on each knee. He offered words of wisdom, encouragement and a rare piece of advice.

The second day amounted to just finishing the second side rails and handrail. I had sprinted over across town the day before to Marion Menards for these handrails getting back just in time for them to continue working. One handrail was fine but the second one was warped. Charles pointed this out to me when we were shutting down for the day. I responded to him that it would dry over night and straighten out. When he showed up the next afternoon, sure enough it was straight as a string. Charles was amazed but what he didn’t know was that I had taken and exchanged the warped one for a straight one without telling Charles. As of this writing, He remains unaware that I swapped it out for a good one. We had one casualty after the first day. Mr. Hot&Cool, unbeknown to the rest of us, had forgotten his sunscreen. Reports are that his legs are now medium to medium well done. Big THANKS to these guys for their time and energy for doing this for me.
The reasoning for these stairs was for Murphy to have a way to explore the area behind our condo and be able to roam a bit. He loves to be outside and lay around. So, this one is for you Murphy.

Iowa Leads in Pretty Much Everything
I think it’s safe to say that Iowa is a pretty awesome state, but just in case, here are some facts to back it up. How do we stack up against the rest of the country? Read on to find out!

1. At 90%, Iowa has the highest graduation rate in the country.
2. Iowa also has the highest literacy rate in the country, at 99%.
3. According to the U.S. Opportunity Index, Iowa ranks 8th in access to opportunity.
4. Iowa is the 6th safest state in the country and has the 2nd lowest murder rate.
5. Iowa ranked 14th in cost of living, and in 2010, Forbes named Davenport/Bettendorf the most affordable metropolitan area in the nation.
6. Iowa’s real median family income is $67,771 compared to the national median family income of $65,910.
7. In September, Iowa’s unemployment rate was 3.6%, compared to the 5.1% national unemployment rate.
8. During the last presidential election, Iowa ranked 5th for voter turnout.
9. Iowa is the 2nd highest food producing state in the nation, after California.
10. Iowa ranks number one in the nation for pork production.
11. Iowa also ranks number one in the nation for corn production.
12. Iowa is also leading the nation in wind energy, producing more wind power than any other state in the country.

All-Time Dumbest Criminals In Iowa
Nowadays, as soon as you turn on the TV, or look at a news article, you see stories about crime. While all criminals are dumb for breaking the law, these 8 criminals just happen to be dumber than your average criminal; they also happen to be from Iowa. We promise that we aren’t all as stupid as these guys.

1. A crappy deal – A Des Moines man called the police after someone tried to steal his car… and ended up taking a bag of dog poop instead. Don’t even ask me how that happens because I can’t even begin to know. The bag of stolen poo was valued at $1, and if the culprit is caught, he faces 3rd degree burglary charges.
2. A case of mistaken identity – An Iowa City man had his driver’s license stolen. The man worked at a club as a bouncer. One night, the thief showed up, brandishing the bouncer’s very own license as his form of ID. Needless to say the bouncer recognized his ID and the culprit was served a shot of justice.
3. You butter be kidding me right now… – A few years ago, in Waterloo a semi-trailer was parked in a parking lot when a thief slipped away with the trailer and all $50,000 worth of margarine aboard. After a search, the trailer showed up in a parking lot in Fowler, Michigan, but the thief and the margarine were nowhere to be found. Similar semi-trailer robberies have happened in the past with things like dog food.
4. How not to hire a hit man – There was an Iowa woman who didn’t get along with her father and decided to hire a hit man to take him out. So, logically, she put an ad up on Craigslist, offering $10,000 for an unspecified job. She got several calls (including one from an undercover officer), and she openly gave details to each caller about how she wanted a hit taken out on her father. After the cop pretended to be interested in the job, she was arrested and charged with attempted murder and conspiracy to commit murder.
5. You are here – A man was wanted in several Iowa cities for passing fraudulent checks. His real mistake, though, was taunting cops on his MySpace page, telling them they were dumb for thinking they could apprehend him. The man was surprised when cops showed up to arrest him shortly after, as he didn’t realize his social media account posted his location along with his taunts.
6. Third time’s a charm… or not – Two wannabe criminals from Waterloo had a little trouble with their heist, as they got three vehicles stuck in the ditch while trying to steal empty cans. The two men had broken into Bremer County Roads maintenance shop and stole the dump truck, which they used to steal several bags of empty cans from Community Lutheran School. Unfortunately for them, they got the truck stuck in a ditch. That’s when they went back to steal a second truck… which they also got stuck. After that, they called in one of their parents, who… take a guess… also got stuck. When officers arrived on the scene, the two men were still there, trying to get the trucks out. The unsuccessful criminals were charged with 3rd degree burglary, criminal mischief, and possession of methamphetamine.
7. Master of disguise – Two men in Carroll were arrested after witnesses reported seeing two men trying to break into an apartment with fake beards and “masks” scribbled on their faces. The two were very drunk, and apparently thought that drawing on their faces with black permanent marker would work as well as any other disguise.
8. Overkill – A Des Moines woman faked her own death to avoid paying her traffic tickets. The woman forged a letter from her mother to the judge handling her case, saying the woman had died in a car accident. As proof, she attached an obituary apparently from the Des Moines Register, and the judge dropped the case the next day. A month later, police pulled over none other than the recently deceased woman. Police found out she had forged the letter and the obituary, and that she had faked her own death to avoid paying her traffic tickets.

I am literally shaking my head right now. How did these people ever think that what they were doing was a good idea?! I am thankful that I ran into this list because I was thinking about a couple of these. Now, I won’t be trying those now that I have seen what happens. My good luck.

Questions for mommy….
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. ‘ Mommy,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’ ‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’ ‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’ ‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’ ‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’ The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.’ My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend. ‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’ The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out? ‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’ The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’ ‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’ ‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’ ‘Because you got an F in sex.’ If you see someone without a smile today Give them one of yours.

…. Well my friends, there you have it as told by yours truly to you all. Thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again – “TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or if you prefer to receive it via email, send an email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.