Texas Style #410 7/3/2018

And when I told her I didn’t love her anymore, she cried (she cried); And when I told her, her kisses were not like before she cried (she cried).

“She Cried” 1962 – Jay And The Americans

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties. Remember, the brave kids who made this land free for you and me. Have mercy on the draft-dodgers who became professors and forever tainting our youth.

We meet again. Far out. Hysteria Lane has been a bee hive of activity this summer so far. 2018 it seems is a year of transition. Down the street, a long-time resident sold their home and moved to Montana. Next thing I know, their next-door neighbor’s house is for sale. I see today that it is sold. On the market maybe 6 hours. Closer to me, across the street, there was a tag sale this weekend. Oh my gosh, cars parking everywhere. Appears they had a good turnout. I guess a tag sale is just a whole house version of a garage sale. Naturally, my dumpster was an attractive target for some who didn’t find the exact treasure across the street. Most came to the door asking for permission which was fantastic. Several neighbors piggybacked on the tag sale traffic by putting

 stuff on the curb for people to pick up for free. The widower who lived there had passed away and her daughter is preparing to sell the home. Then next door to me was MacBlu who passed away last year. His boys have rented the place out to a young couple with 3 young kids.

Changes, Changes, Changes.
Another neighbor also across the street wrote a sign on the window of a car that has been parked in their driveway for months. It was a for sale type of thing which said it “runs rough”. That was a bit of an over-statement. It hasn’t run for months. I don’t believe they got any takers. Too bad guys, just call the tow truck and haul it off to the junk yard.

Today is a busy day. I have a tree removal scheduled, a dumpster pickup, a freezer pickup and Murphy goes to puppy daycare amongst other things. Hope it all goes off as scheduled. We have gotten close to getting the basement gone through. Whew it was a big job. We must give huge kudos to my daughters – Svenette, Debby (the younger elder), Sven, Dr. Football, Charles (not his real name), and my current wife. It really took a team to get the purge done.

Stay Out Of The Sun Day
Today is “Stay Out of The Sun Day”. Bet you didn’t know that. Shoot, most days lately have been that here in Iowa. We can give big thanks to Willis Carrier for inventing the air conditioner. What did we do without it. Can you remember? Everybody loves a sunny day, but in the height of summer it’s easy to get dehydrated, sunburnt and worse.

“Stay Out of The Sun Day” is about looking after yourself by taking a day away from the sun and finding some nice, relaxing shade – and if you are out and about, make sure you have sun cream, plenty of water and some shade! Oh, enjoy the HEAT!

No. 14
The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall. A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
“Fishing,” the old Chief simply said. “Poor old chief,” the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink. As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, “How many have you caught today?”

“Your number 14,” the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, “2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines”.

Now She Knows
A six-year-old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. “Don’t be angry,” the Mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts. “A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is 

bawling, and her brother says… “Now she knows.”

Uhmmm!

You know in all my years of playing competitive sports and being in a thousand  locker rooms, I can hon

estly say that I have never, ever heard anyone say or have never had the thought that you had an attractive scrotum. Just doesn’t happen, folks. I wouldn’t even know one if it hit me in the face (excuse the expression).

Popcorn, Peanuts!
A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going fine. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After anthem he yelled, “Down nuts!” And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hotdog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well… everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

From Peanuts to Texas Etiquette
Driving Etiquette

– Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer even Blatz. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Personal Hygiene – Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. If you must vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: it’s a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Dining Out – Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours does.

Entertaining in Your Home – A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table… no matter how good his manners are. If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Dating (Outside the Family) – Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested. “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.” If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Theater Etiquette – Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

Wedding Etiquette – Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Etiquette for All Occasions – Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always say, “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

 

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

…….. Well my friends, there you have it as told by yours truly to you all. Thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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