Graduation #403 5/15/2018

I must think of a way into your heart. There’s no reason why my being shy should keep us apart and I think I’m goin’ out of my head.
Goin’ Out of My Head 1964 Little Anthony & the Imperials

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

Well Drivel Brethren this is the week that will go down in infamy. Yes, believe it or not, has to be delayed. Yes, that is right my friends. I normally put this rag together and distributed on Tuesday. It just so happens this Tuesday I will be winging my way toward Washington DC on the Eastern Iowa Honor Flight. It is an opportunity for Veterans to visit memorials free of charge perhaps for the last time. This is the 32nd flight this volunteer group has conducted. It is an amazing organization and one that is well worth supporting either as a volunteer or monetarily or both. They do an outstanding job. I will chronicle my activities in the next issue for sure. Okay, down to blog business.

This past fall semester, at Iowa State University in Ames, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid “A’s.”

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go over to the University of Iowa in Iowa City to a party with some friends. So, they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to Ames until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went over to Iowa City for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So, they were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

Teacher’s Birthday
It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that it is flowers”. “How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that is some candy.” “How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm is it wine?” she asked. “No,” said the little girl. So, she tasted it again. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “Noooo,” replied the little girl, “It’s a puppy.”

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. “Let’s try to make this look natural “she said. “Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.” The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”

Smart Pills
A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says: “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature. “What else do you have?” asks the student. “Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks: “Do you have a pill for math?” The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student. The pharmacist replies, “Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

Hello Father/Hello Son
After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University. One of his letters home reads:
Dear Father,
University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Sincerely, Alfred E. Newman

Pleading to Graduate
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to graduate.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, ‘…I would do… anything!!!” He returns her gaze. “Anything?” “Yes,… Anything!!!” His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…… study?”

Graduation Test
It’s graduation day, and everybody’s going to get their diploma but Jeffrey. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts “Let Jeffrey graduate, let Jeffrey graduate!” The principal agrees to give Jeffrey one last chance. “If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jeffrey, how many apples do I have?” he asked. Jeffrey thought long and hard and then said: “Ten.”

And the entire senior class stood up and shouted “Give Jeffrey another chance. Give Jeffrey another chance!”

Telling off the Dean
Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you’d better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So, I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. “Hey Bitch,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!” And then I walked off the stage and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: “In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!”

…….. Well my friends, there you have it as told by yours truly to you’all. Thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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