Fishy #399 4/17/2018

You ask me if there’ll come a time when I grow tired of you. Never my love.
Never My Love 1967 – The Association

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

Well, I must admit that this first week away from Facebook was hard. I found myself occasionally taking a sneak peek back in only to see if any Drivel readers had questions on where to find the blog. I didn’t want to leave anyone dangling in the wind. Week 2 will be better, and we will shut down the accounts completely. Funny, about 5 minutes after Zuckerbaby testified, developers received an email with new terms of service. Hmmm, coincidence – I think not. I didn’t even read it.

Mother Nature & Me

Moving on to things that matter like the WEATHER. In Iowa it is just plain lousy. Mother Nature tickled us with 2 or 3 days of Springish weather last week. Beautiful days, even one around 70 degrees, then BOOM, dropped the floor out of the temps one day, turned the wind turbine machine up to maximum the next day and today gave us another taste of SNOW. Good lord lady – it is April 15th for crying out loud. Show some respect, will you?

It is my feeling that she wants to get back me for my many previous abuses that I have inflicted on Mother Nature growing up in Iowa and she wants to get caught up all at once. So, when she learned that I had my big toe operated on to remove an ingrown toenail and would be wearing sandals for a while, she seized the opportunity to pour rain, freezing rain, blowing rain, snow, and cold right at me. Yes, Mother, thanks a lot. You did make me miserable and no I am not sorry for all those past wrongs I passed your way because you had them coming. So there. Sorry folks, moving on now that Mother Nature and I have had out little discussion, let’s see what else I can come up with.

The one sunny enjoyable day we had I went over to Jimmy’s for a while. You remember Jimmy’s, don’t you? He has the rundown Grill & Bait Shop along the river. I had not been over for most of the winter since I have been battling the throat/voice problem and my Giant Cell Arteritis in my head. I had a great time. Most of the Old Farts Coffee Klatch group was there. They welcomed me right back in at my normal spot, I grab my mug from the rack, dumped the accumulation of bugs, dust and what not, wiped it out a bit and filled her up to the brim with Jimmy’s 2nd day Dark Roast. I just sat back because I still can’t talk worth a lick and listened to these guys telling stories that were so far from the truth that a blood hound couldn’t find it.

I was curious about Jimmy and how his gubernatorial run was coming along. The paperwork had to be filed a couple of weeks ago to be eligible for the primaries. There was quite a to-do when one of the candidates submitted slightly more names than necessary, 4005 or so were required I think. On further review, he had a number of names become ineligible and his total then became like 7 or 8 votes short. What a monumental mistake. This guy really blew it. Our local voice of everything fake news failed to mention anyone else, so I didn’t have a clue about my buddy Jimmy. Yes, I suppose I could have called him but what do you say? “Hey Jimmy, how are doing in the governor primary?” Jimmy might reply, “didn’t make the ballot.” What do you say then? “Oh, just curious, goodbye”. Or “Maybe next time.” Or “At least you got more than that other guy. Way to go.” No, I just couldn’t see calling him about that.

As it turns out, Jimmy did not make the primary. I was glad I had not called. Truth be known, I think Jimmy was a little relieved too. He got to see how some of these politicians play hard ball and wasn’t too keen on it. Plus, I think he was missing the live bait and his right-hand man, Mustard. All in all, the visit to the Grill & Bait Shop was great and can’t wait to get back soon.

Steelhead

On my way home, I noticed three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. I stop along the road just to see if they caught anything. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.

‘We don’t have any”, replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses”. said the Game Warden. “But officer”, replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river”.

The Game Warden lifted all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it”, said the Game Warden, “take all the debris you want”. And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop”, the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”! With the smile that put on my face, I went home to the current wife.

The Fishing Nun

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange-looking fish. A man was walking by and said, “Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!” The sister said, “Sir, you shouldn’t use God’s name in vain.” The man said, “But that’s the species of the fish – a Gauddam Fish.” The sister said, “Oh, okay.” The Sister took the fish back home and said, “Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.” Shocked, the Mother Superior said, “Sister, you know better than that.”

The nun said, “That’s the species of it – a Gauddam Fish.” So, the Mother Superior said, “Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I’ll clean it.” While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, “Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.” Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, “Mother Superior, you shouldn’t talk like that!”

Mother Superior said, “But that’s the species of it – a Gauddam Fish.” Monsignor said, “Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I’ll cook it.” That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, “Wow, what a nice fish.” In reply, the sister said, “Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.” And Mother Superior said, “I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.” And Monsignor said, “I cooked the Gauddam Fish.”

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, “I think I’m going to like this f%$@# ing place!”

Chief Two Eagles

The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems.” The chief nodded. The official continued, “What do you think of all the white man has done?” The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.” The chief paused, then added, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

Annual Bass Catchers Classic

Near a highway bridge several boats were scattered about in the lake as there was the Annual Bass Catchers Classic fishing tournament in progress, when a funeral procession came by on the bridge. Everybody just kept on fishing except for one fisherman, who put his fishing pole down, stood up, removed his hat and remained in that fashion until the funeral procession was passed. A nearby fisherman happened to see this and was impressed at how respectful the man had been, so he cranked up his boat and pulled up beside the other man’s boat. “Howdy, I saw how considerate you were toward that funeral procession, pausing and standing like that. I wish I had been as thoughtful.”

The other man replied, “I reckon it’s the least I could do. After all, we’d been married for nearly 30 years.”

Oh Ya, My Wife

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he’d never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require ’round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver forever!”

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. She’s dead. What’d you catch?”

Top 10 Reasons WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10 – Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
9 – When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 – You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
7 – You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 – There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
5 – If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don’t have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
4 – Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
3 – Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
2 – You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
1 – Your Fishing partner will never say, “Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?”

CAPTAIN BRAVO

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied: “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid.” All the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: “Get me my brown pants.”

……..Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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