For What Its Worth #398 4/10/2018

When I see her comin’ down the street, I get so shaky and I feel so weak. I tell my eyes look the other way, but they don’t seem to hear a word I say.  –  I Go To Pieces 1964 – Peter & Gordon

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

Bye, Bye Facebook. ‘Twas good known’ you. Too bad Zuckerboy, let fame and fortune lead him astray. Dollar signs tend to warp these young ones these days. Now he is in a pickle and will be swinging and swaying down the road following the advice of other idiots who don’t know any better than him. With that said, Drivel is no long available on Facebook. It is still around. You will just have to go to a different place like; www.drivelovercoffee.com, or sign up to receive an email version. Really easy-peazy.

It’s A Bad Day When:

  • You wake up face down on the pavement.
  • You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
  • You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
  • You see a 69 Minutes News team waiting in your office.
  • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  • Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
  • Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the Freeway.

The Radio

A letter was received at Pine Street Elementary from an elderly lady who had attended a luncheon the school had sponsored. The lady had received a new radio as a door prize and was writing to say, “thank you”.
Dear Pine Street Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful, and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Timbucktoo

A Bohemian and a German died on the same day and both started out for heaven. St. Peter met them at the gates and said he only had room for one today. They had both been good men, so he said they could have a contest to see who got to heaven. He would give them a word and they had to make a poem out of it. Best poem won. The word was “Timbucktoo”.

The German went first. ‘While traveling across the burning sand, I thought I saw the promised land. I opened gate and walked on thru, but it turned out to be Timbucktoo.”
The Bohemian said, “That’s going to be hard to beat, but here goes. Tim and I went walking, spied 3 maidens in a tent. They were 3 and we were 2, so I bucked 1 and Tim bucked two!”

Union Dogs

Four union workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was United Auto Worker, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named T-Square and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle and a triangle which the dog did with no sweat.

The United Steel Worker member said he thought his dog was better. His dog, named Slide-Rule was told to fetch a dozen cookies and bring them back and divide them into four piles of three, which Slide-Rule did with no problem.

The Oil Chemical and Atomic Worker member said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog, named Measure, was told to go get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All agreed this was very good and all dogs were smart. They all turned to the Teamster member and said, “What can your dog do?” The Teamster member called his dog who was named Coffee Break and said, “Show the fellows what you can do!” Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, and copulated with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed for Workmen’s Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

For The Older Crowd

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked “NO REFILLS”.”

♦  An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, He asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it?” “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

♦  Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy said “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife too.” “I can’t find her and I’m getting desperate,” the old guy says.

“Well, Maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?” The young guy says. “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look?” To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

Absenteeism Policy!

From the Personnel Department

It has been brought to the attention of the management that the attendance record of our company is a disgrace. It has become necessary to revise some of our policies. The following changes are effective immediately.

Sickness: No excuse – We will no longer accept your doctors excuse. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Death: Other than your own – this is no excuse – there is nothing you can do for the deceased, and someone with less obligation can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral is in the afternoon, we will be glad to let you off an hour early, providing your work is sufficiently ahead so that you won’t inconvenience other employees by your absence.

Leave of Absence: (For An Operation) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought you need an operation since we believe that as long as you work here you’ll need all you got, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would make you less than we bargained for.

Death: (Your Own) This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a 2-week notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else you job.

Also, too much time is being spent in the restrooms. In the future, we will follow the practice of going alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00 to 8:15; “B” from 8:15 to 8:30 etc. If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes up again.

Lexophile

Describes those who have a love for words, such as “You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.” An annual competition for Lexophiles is held by the New York Times. Here are some more “Groaners”.

  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
  • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
  • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
  • He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
  • Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

In Closing

The new priest at his first Mass was so afraid could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said next week if might help if you put martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly. The next week the young priest put his elder’s suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm. After the sermon he asked the Monsignor how he had done. He replied, “Fine”, but there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again.

  • Next time sip the martinis rather than gulping them down glassful by glassful.
  • There are 10 commandments not 12.
  • There are 12 disciples not 10
  • David slew Goliath, he didn’t kick the shit out of him.
  • We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as the late J.C. and the boys.
  • Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
  • We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
  • The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
  • And last but not least, it’s the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry.

……..Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.