Don’t you know I had a dream last night, that you were here with me. Lyin’ by my side so soft and warm, an and we talked a while, and shared a smile. Dreamin’ Again 1973 Jim Croce
Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.
Hello once again Drivel followers. Last week I showered you with Iowa related humor and stories. I think a lot of you enjoyed that a bit. This week I am focusing on those “snow bunnies” from the north who have moved south from Minnesota to the warmer climate of Iowa. I didn’t realize when I started researching that there was so much material. Seems as though much has been written about a dude named Ole, his girlfriend/wife Lena and his brother Sven.
Right away I realized that the brother created a conundrum for me. You see, Sven is my son-in-law. In no way would I want any of the following humor to reflect on him. Therefore, seeing as how I am the master of my domain, I have changed all references to Sven to Lars. Personally, I like Lars better. Our characters will then be Ole, Lena and Lars.
♦ Lena asks her boyfriend Ole to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, Lena tells Ole that after dinner, she would like to go out and (vell ya know) for the first time. Well, Ole is ecstatic, but he has never (vell ya know) before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps Ole for about an hour. He teaches Ole everything there is to know about protection and (vell ya know). At the register, the pharmacist asks Ole how many he’d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. Ole insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, Ole shows up at Lena’s parent’s house and she meets him at the door. “Ole I’m so excited for you ta meet my parents, come on in.” Ole goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where Lena’s parents are seated. Ole quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and Ole is still deep in prayer with his head down. Three minutes of praying pass and still no movement from Ole. Finally, after five minutes of praying with his head down, Lena leans over and whispers to her Ole, “I had no idea you vere so religious.”
Ole turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father vas a pharmacist.”
♦ Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. Giggling, Lena said, “Ole, you can go a little farder now if ya vant to”… so Ole drove to Duluth.
♦ Ole was talking with his brother Lars, who lived next door, when Lars said, “Ya know Ole, you and Lena should really get some new curtains.” “Vy’s dat?” Ole asked. “Vel last night I saw you and Lena, vel you know…” Ole thought for a while, then said, “Ha-ha Lars, da yokes on you! I vasn’t even home last night!”
♦ Ole’s neighbor Lars had a boy, Lars Junior, who came home one day and asked, “Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I’m Norvegian?”
“No,” said Lars, “It’s because you’re NINETEEN.”
Ole and Lars were fishing when Lars pulled out a cigar but didn’t have a lighter, so he asked Ole for a light. “Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter”, he replied. He reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. “Yiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Lars, “Vhere did yew get dat monster?” “Vell”, replied Ole, “I got it from my Genie”. “You haff a genie?” Lars asked. “Ya, shure, he’s right here in my tackle box”, said Ole. “Could I see him?” Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.
The friend says, “Hey Dere! I’m a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?” “Yes, I will”, the genie said. So, Lars asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves Lars standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of million ducks flying overhead is heard. Lars yells to Ole, “I asked for a million bucks – not ducks!” Ole answers, “Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do you really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?
♦ Ole and Lars grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, “There are no fish under the ice.” Ole an Lars moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, ” There are no fish under the ice.”
They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, “Are you God?” The voice spoke back, “No ya idiots! I’m the ice rink attendant.”
♦ Ole, Lena, and Lars were lost in the North woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for something to eat, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.
The genie says, “I am the great genie of the North and I can grant each of you one wish.
Ole says, “I vish I vas back on my farm.” Poof, Ole was gone. Lena quickly says, “I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole.” Poof, Lena was gone. Lars was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, “What is your wish?”.
Lars says, “Gee, I’m really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena vas back here with me”.
♦ A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Vy sure,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Ver ya from?” “Norvay,” replies the second man.
The first man responds, “Ya don’t say, I’m from Norvay too! Let’s have anudder round to Norvay.” Curious, the first man then asks: “Vere in Norvay are ya from?”
“Bergen,” comes the reply. “I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Bergen too!
Let’s have anudder drink to old Bergen.” Curiosity again strikes, and the first man asks:
“So, vere did you live?”
“On a boat, at da fishin docks,” replies the second man. “Dis is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “Ole and his brother Lars are getting drunk again.”
Rain & Snow
One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, “Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin’ away from da house, den back again?”
Lena said, “Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy-such and such he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!!
♦ Ole and Lena were at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows,” the radio voice declared. “Oh, gosh, OK,” said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.
Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said: “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.
A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared: “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the …” Just then, the power went out. “Park it where?” Ole asked in the dark, “What should I do?” “Aw, to heck with them, Ole,” Lena said, “Don’t worry about it today.
Just leave the car in the garage.”
Murphy, An Irishman, applied for a job in his native Ireland. Just so happens Ole, a Norwegian, applied for the same job. Since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and were led to a quiet room where there would be no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job.” Murphy, obviously upset said, “And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.” The manager replies, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.” Murphy retorted, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another? The manager said, “That’s simple – on question number 7 the Ole wrote down, ‘I don’t know’. You put down, ‘Neither do I.’ “
♦ Lars and Ole were carpentering on a new house. Lars who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. Ole, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you trowing dose nails avay?” Lars explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed TOWARD me, I trow it avay ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward da HOUSE, den I nail it in!” Ole got completely upset and yelled, “You MORON!!! Da nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! Dare for da OTHER side of da house!!”
♦ Lars and Ole quit their job and bought a truck because they had heard that there was a good deal of money to be earned in this occupation. When they went down to the insurance agent to buy insurance,
the agent asked Ole “How much experience do you have with driving a truck?”
Ole: “Ve don’t have any experience now, but by the end of the summer ve’re gonna have lots of it.”
Agent: “Well, before our company writes out a policy, we have to be sure in our own mind that you are suited for this kind if work, after all, we stand to lose a lot of money should you have an accident.”
Ole: ” ja, I kan apprishiate that.”
Agent: “Ole, I’m gonna ask you a hypothetical question. Picture this, you’ve got a full load and you’ve been driving all night. Your coming out of the mountains, your friend Lars is sleeping in the bunk behind you. At the end of a long down grade there is a railroad track crossing the road. As you approach, you notice the train is coming. You step on the brakes, but you don’t have any, you’ve lost them in the mountains. You quickly down shift to slow down only to discover that you got out of fourth, but for the life of you, you can’t get it into third. You’re freewheeling and picking up speed. What would you do?”
Ole: After thinking for a few moments says, “I think I vould vake up Lars, he’s never seen a real bad accident.”
♦ Lars came home from work early one day and Lena asks, “Lars, you’re home from work early. What happened?” Lars replies, “Vell, I got my ting caught in da pickle slicer.” “Oh no!”, says Lena, “Let me see your ting”. So Lars shows her his ting and everyting is fine.
“Lars, your ting is just fine, what happened to da pickle slicer?” Says Lars, “Oh dey fired her too.”
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $800 a month for support.” “Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try ta chip in a few bucks myself.”
……..Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”
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