Oh, Iowa! #396 3/27/2018

You won’t see me follow you back home. The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same. You’re not to blame. “Walk Away Renee” 1966 Left Banke

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

Drivel Alert!!!

I have made the decision to discontinue posting this blog on social media including Facebook and twitter. Drivel Over Coffee will continue to be available via email, at www.drivelovercoffee.com. This will begin with issue #398 dated 4/10/2018. It has been a long time coming but I just am not going to keep feeding Zuckerberg’s data mining machine. Facebook has become a platform for targeted marketing and scams. I am also exiting from my personal account and reverting to traditional methods such as text messaging and emails.

Only In Iowa

• How can you tell the toothbrush is an Iowan invention? If it were invented anywhere else, we’d call it a teethbrush.
• Why does all the corn in Nebraska lean east? (Hint: It’s not crop circles!) Because Iowa sucks! (We know this isn’t true.)
• Why does all of the corn in Iowa lean to the east? Because Nebraska blows and Illinois sucks!
• Why did UNI have to end its water polo program? All the horses drowned!
• What’s the difference between a U of I graduate and a park bench? A park bench can support a family.
• Did you hear about the Iowa farmer who only wore one boot in the winter? He heard there was a 50% chance of snow!
• How do you know it’s prom season in Iowa? There are ten tractors in every McDonald’s parking lot.
• What’s the difference between a cool place and a lame place? The Iowa State border! (We’re obviously the cool place.)
• What does a Cyclone fan do after ISU makes it past the Sweet Sixteen? He wakes up.
• Did you hear about that cool thing that just happened in Iowa? Me neither!

Riding Horses

A Texas fan, a Nebraska fan, and an Iowa State fan were out riding horses one day. At one point, the Texas fan pulled out a bottle of expensive bourbon, took a long swig, threw the bottle to the ground, pulled out his pistol and shot it. “What are you doing?” asked the Nebraska fan. “That was perfectly good whiskey.” “In Texas, we have more bourbon than we need,” said the Longhorn fan, “And bottles are cheap.”

They rode along for a while, and the Nebraska fan was thinking. Then he pulled out a bottle of champagne, opened it, took a swig, threw down the bottle, pulled out his pistol and shot the bottle. “What are you doing?” asked the Cyclone fan. “That was perfectly good champagne.” “In Nebraska,” said the Husker fan, “We have more champagne than we need, and the bottles are cheap.” They rode along for a while, and then the Cyclone fan pulled out a bottle of Busch Light, drank the whole thing, ”Dilly, Dilly”, put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his pistol and shot the Nebraska fan. “What are you doing?” asked the Texas fan. “In Iowa, ” replied the Cyclone fan, “we have more Husker fans than we need, but bottles are worth a nickel a piece.”

Falling in Love

A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Iowa Hawkeyes fan and he was an Iowa State Cyclones fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Hawkeye fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an effortless way to do this. The doctor replied, “Yes, it’s a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Iowa Hawkeye fan.” The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. “Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?” The man sat up, looked around, and said “GO HOOSIERS!”

Cemetery

One day this kid and his mom were walking past a cemetery when they past a grave and the kid stopped to read it. He read aloud “Here lies an Iowa graduate and a great man.” The kid then says, “Mom I don’t get it.” The mom says, “Why not?” The kid says, “Why are there 2 people buried here?”

Spelling Bee

As a young lad in grade school probably 6th grade or so, I participated in the state spelling bee. We all had a book of words to study and I pored over this intently trying to memorize every last word which obviously didn’t work all that well. I did make the cut from the school level and got to go to the County level. I believe there were a few others from our school also that qualified. Kids were seated in the Dallas County Courthouse in an actual courtroom. Kind of intimidating to a young farm kid. As with all spelling bees, it is one and done. Miss one word and you are out. Get it right and you go on to the next round until you are the last one. I lasted several rounds and the place was thinning quite a bit and I am beginning to get a little excited.

My next turn went like this – “Okay, your word is ‘farm,'” the moderator said to me. I sat there for a few minutes with a puzzled look on my face. “Um… Can I have a definition?” “Sure,” the moderator said. “It is a plot of agricultural land, used for the raising of crops and livestock.” “Uhhh…” I sat there for several more minutes, continuing to ask for alternative pronunciations, word origins, etc. The moderator was getting frustrated.

Finally, the I asked, “Uh, can you use it in a sentence?” “Old MacDonald had a FARM!” the moderator shouted. “Oh!” I said. “E-I-E-I-O!” Dreams shattered.

Elevator Ride

I rode an elevator with an old woman in a Cedar Rapids Hotel, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!’

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says… “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!” GOTCHA!!!!! Doors close.

Cutting Trees

An Iowa fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Iowa fan, suitably impressed, buys it. The next day the Iowa fan brings the chain saw back and says, “This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!” The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong. The Iowa fan says, “What’s that noise?”

Wedding Reception

Invited to a wedding reception by a relative, an Iowa grad and his son travel to the big city for the first time. After eating a lot of salty food, the father is thirsty and continually sends his son for water. After the last trip the kid comes back empty-handed. The father asks, “So where’s my water, boy?” “Couldn’t get any this trip, Pa. Some guy’s sitting on the well.”

The Dachshund

An Iowa fan walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an Iowa jersey and helmet and festooned with Iowa pom-poms. The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!” The Iowa fan begs him: “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can watch the football game!” After securing a promise that the dog will behave, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar to watch the game.

The big game begins with the Iowa receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does that dog do if Iowa scores a touchdown?” The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years.”

You Might be from Iowa if…

• You live in a beautiful old house with transparent plastic sheeting over the storm windows and bales of straw around the foundation.
• Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
• Snow tires are standard on your car.
• State Wresting was a big deal at your high school.
• You know several people who have hit a deer.
• You know what “Hawks” and “Clones” are.
• You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
• You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
• You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.
• Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or meat.
• Detassling was your first job.
• Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.
• You say catty wampes instead of kitty-corner.
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
• You drink pop.”
• You consider being called a “Pork Queen” an honor.
• You carry jumper cables in your car.
• You know what the numbers I-80, 280 and 380 means.

……..Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a brief time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.