Church Humor #394 3/13/2018

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. — George Burns

 

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

The Church

*A little nine-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”

 

*A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” The congregation nodded their approval. With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river, too!” The people clapped and were saying “Amen.” And then finally, he concluded, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” As he sat down, the song leader then stood up quite cautiously and announced, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

 

*A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, “Watch out for the wall!”

 

*It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him. “Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go, and he shows up.”

 

*Several churches in the South decided to hold union services. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination. “How many Baptists are here?” he asked on the first night of the revival? All except one little old lady raised their hands. “Lady, what are you?” asked the leader. “I’m a Methodist,” meekly replied the lady. “Why are you a Methodist?” queried the leader? “Well,” replied the little old lady, “my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist.” “Well,” retorted the leader, “just supposing all your relatives had been morons, what would that have made you?” “Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose,” the lady replied meekly.

 

*Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister. “Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.” The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. “That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

 

*Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches for a while then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, “Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions holding a Star of David.” The man turns to the one with the cross and says, “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?”

 

*Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died. Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?” Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.” Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?” Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya’ not tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

*A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, “So you’re a priest. That’s interesting; I’m a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars!

There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace.” The priest replies, “Oh, yes, I agree. It’s a miracle that we survived and are here together.” “And here’s another miracle,” says the rabbi. “My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune,” he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on. “Aren’t you going to have any? asks the priest. “Not right now,” says the rabbi. “I think I’ll wait until after the police make their report.”

 

The Preacher

*A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. “Mind if I have a few?” he asks. “No, not at all!” the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. “I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few.” “Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”

 

*A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, “O Lord, I’m so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish—make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me!”

At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher’s feet: “Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive.”

 

*A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name. The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the Apostle’s Creed. “Jesus Christ,” the congregation read from the program, “born of the Virgin Edna…”

 

*The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. Most of the people were very generous telling the new minister how much they liked his message, except for one man who said, “That was a very dull and boring sermon, pastor.” A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much preparation for your message.” Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, pastor.”

*Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. “Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”

 

Announcements from Church Bulletins

• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with “Little Drops Of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
• The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So, ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

 

…. Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a short time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again, have a great day and a better tomorrow. -TA!”

 

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