The Supermarket #393 3/6/2018

I’m walkin’ down that long, lonesome road, babe. Where I’m bound, I can’t tell.
“Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right” Bob Dylan 1962

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

It is the 6th of March already. It is real hard to believe isn’t it? Murphy, my Boston Terrier, has been begging me to put in his doggie door for several days now. My gosh, he would whine, he would grab my pants and pull me toward the patio door, he would jump up and kick my rear-end – over and over; day after day. On Saturday, I finally found enough time to get it put in. This gizmo sits in one side of the patio door. There is a vinyl door with magnets on the lower portion that Murphy goes through. He made his initial out and back before I had any of the screws installed to secure it, so I guess he was indeed excited to have it installed. I kept a loose eye on him the rest of the day. I think he made about 45 trips out that thing. Without it, he is trained to ring a bell, so he can be let out. Now in his defense, he is much more respectful with the bell, thank goodness. I am thankful that March has come in like a lamb.

A Grocery Store Clerks Observations

On Customer Interactions
• “When I ask you ‘How is your day going?’ I do want to know. Anything to distract me from my killing feet is appreciated.”
• “Don’t hang around and flirt with me while I’m working — I’m probably not interested, and it makes me look like I’m socializing on the clock to my boss.”
• “Please do not comment on my physical attributes, it’s annoying and frankly kind of creepy. I am not a display.”
• “Stop telling me how much cheaper our competitor is. I already know. I probably shop there too.”
• “Personal space: Know it. Love it. Use it.”

On Your Purchases
• “Cashiers are totally checking out your eating habits even though we pretend not to.”
• “I can tell the difference between cilantro and parsley…can you?”
• “Buying condoms at 16 is not embarrassing. It’s better than buying diapers at 16!”
• “If you are buying beer for underage kids, it would be advisable to not have them waiting out front in their letterman jackets….or better yet, behind you in line with an unnecessary amount of red solo cups.”
• “Don’t mix your produce in a combined bag and then complain that I didn’t notice the difference between your peaches and nectarines.”

On Unloading Your Cart/Waiting In Line
• “I don’t care about your opinion on paper or plastic. Bring your own bag because they both suck.”
• “Bag your raw meats. Blood and chicken goo when drizzled on a conveyer belt can make people sick.”
• “When people put their basket on the belt and don’t empty it while waiting in line — we hate that!”
• “If you’re buying 5 – 12-packs of Coke, I only need one to scan. I’d rather not move every single one across the scanner.”
• “Don’t leave your cart at my check stand and leave. Walk it to the door with you.”

On Paying
• “When paying with cash, unfold and straighten your bills before HANDING them to us politely. When you leave a clumped mess of wadded up cash for us to grab and sort it makes us want to punch you in the face.”
• “Don’t get pissed when I can’t break a hundred.”
• “Coupons aren’t just for poor people and if you don’t use them, you’re paying more than you need to. Just make sure you cut them out before you get to my line.”
• “You really can get a discount on dented cans if you ask.”
• “The grocery store is not a bank so no, I can’t give you 2 rolls of quarters, so you can do your laundry.”

On Common Courtesies
• “Please stop your children from poking holes into the packaged hamburger. It creates more work for everyone and its really kind of gross.”
• “Dogs are filthy animals that roll in shit and lick their junk. If you’re not blind or an epileptic, please leave it at home.”
• “Please don’t follow me to my new place of employment when I quit.”
• “We are not childcare providers. Watch your own kids.”
• “Urine and excrement belong in the toilet. That’s all I’m going to say about that.”

Random Thoughts And Observations
• “The self-checkout is for your convenience. Therefore yelling “I hate these things!” while choosing to use them of your own free will just makes you sound like a moron.”
• “Old people are really cheap and will complain if something was listed for 98 cents and they are charged 99 cents.”
• “No one buys makeup at a grocery store, so when you need cover-up on the go, check the expiration date because it’s probably been there since the mid 1980′s.”
• “This is a grocery store, not your bedroom. Leave the slippers and flannel pajama pants at home.”
• “Just because I see you every day does not mean I am your friend or your therapist.”

Shown-up in the Supermarket
   *  Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather cute blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big “hello”.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, “Sorry, do you know me?” She replies, “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children.”

Dylan’s mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, “Blimey!” he says, “Did we meet on Frank’s stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, “When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.” “No,” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”.

  *  This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket. Follow these four-point instructions, the technique never fails. Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store. Say to her, “Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?” The pretty girl will ask: “Why?” You reply: “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air.”

  *  My current wife and I stopped at Wal-Mart this morning on our way home from my endoscopy of my upper GI track at the VA Hospital this morning. We needed a couple of things. On reflection, I may have been still a little groggy from the anesthesia. Seems there was a bit of confusion at Wal-Mart this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my senator about excessive security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. All hell broke loose. There was hysterical shrieking, alarms and people scurrying every direction but finally subsided. Sue, my current wife, fled the area. I had no idea where she went. I found out later that the cashier was referring to my credit card. Boy, I was totally confused and apparently out of it. Naturally, I have once again been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. What’s new?

  *  I was waiting for my current wife, Sue, at the checkout at Hy-Vee supermarket, I noticed that someone had left behind a broom. When no one came back in looking for it, I popped outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier’s desk. I spotted them getting into their car and hurried over. “Excuse me,” I said to the young woman, “but did you by any chance leave a broom inside?” “No,” she replied quickly and with a winning smile, “we came by car.”

  *  Jenny, a pretty young woman rushed into a Target supermarket to pick up a snack for her evening meal. Item in hand, Jenny stood in the express line where the check-out assistant was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. “Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?” The clerk turned around, stared at Jenny for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Not bad!”

…. Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day, if only for a short time. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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