Super Bowl #389 2/6/2018

We’ll take what the other team gives us. We’ll scratch where it itches. Hayden Fry

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

The Super Bowl
Eagles Win!!!! Well it was a good game, close, back and forth, little defense, few penalties, some trickery, a little for everyone. The commercials, I will give a grade of C-. Did not see any that really tripped my trigger with maybe the exception of Manning and Beckman dancing. That was pretty good. Half-time – so-so in my mind but I am not a Timberlake fan anyway. Probably the funniest thing I heard was about the guy who wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Of course, he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium. So, he begins looking around him for a better seat. Hello, to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field. He approaches the guy who’s older sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The older man replies, “No.” The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?” The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Miss Collins
Miss Marie Collins, a first-grade teacher, tries to get her class excited about the upcoming Super Bowl by polling the class to see where the team allegiance lies. She explains to her class that she is an New England Patriots fan. She asks her pupils to raise their hands if they are Patriots fans too. Not really knowing what a Patriots fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Paula has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I’m not a Patriots fan,” she answers. “Then,” asks Miss Collins, “what are you?” “I’m a Philadelphia Eagles fan,” boasts Paula proudly.

The teacher asks Paula why she is an Eagles fan. “Well, my Dad and Mum are Eagles fans, so I’m an Eagles fan too,” Paula responds. “That’s no reason,” Miss Collins retorts. “What if your mum was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?” Paula smiles and says, “Then I’d be a Patriots fan.”

Locker Room
One of the Super Bowl coaches, I can’t remember which one it was now, walked into the locker room before the game. Remember, I am getting this probably 12th hand so it may or may not be factual. He looked over to his newly signed player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed arithmetic, but we need you to be on the team if we have a prayer of a chance of winning the Super Bowl. So, what I must do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right then you will be allowed to play.”

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What’s two plus two?” The player thought for a moment and then answered, “4?” “Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that the player had actually got the right answer. Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

Tim Tebow
One last football story and then we move on. Most of you have heard of Tim Tebow. He was an outstanding college football player and had a short NFL career. Tebow is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A woman is standing three floors up on ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. “Hey, lady”, yells Tebow, “Throw me the cat.” “No”, she cries, “It’s too far.” “I play football, I can catch him.”

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Tebow, kisses her cat goodbye, and then tosses the cat down toward the street. Tebow keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline, bounces off an awning. Tebow adjust and runs into the street and catches the cat on the bounce. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire, breaks into cheers. Tebow does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then Tebow “spikes” the cat into the pavement. Oh my!

Out & About
A pirate walked into a bar (where can you find a pirate these days?) and the bartender said: “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

• Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
• Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle an I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
• Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
• Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really….”
• Bartender: What about the eye patch?”
• Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
• Bartender: “You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?”
• Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”

Economy
The economy was so bad that: I once received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO’s were playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six weren’t leaving the light on anymore. A picture was only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street”. Finally, when I called the Suicide Hotline, I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

Snake Bite
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries. “He says you’re gonna die.”

Me & Big Box Store of All Things
My current wife received a letter from a guy supposedly from a big box store yesterday. I have reprinted it below for all to read and see just how unfairly I am being treated.
Dear Mrs. Bailey:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our Pinhook store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against your husband have been compiled and are listed below.
MEMO— Complaints — Things done while his wife was shopping:

1. November 15, 2016: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. November 23, 2016: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. December 10, 2016: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. December 23, 2016: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” ….. and watched what happened.
5. January 10, 2017: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.
6. January 23, 2017: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. February 15, 2017: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. March 5, 2017: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. March 26, 2017: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and picked his nose.
10. April 2, 2017: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. April 15, 2017: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. April 26, 2017: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. May 1, 2017: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”
14. May 12, 2017: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! Sheila! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least, just today….
15. May 16, 2017: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”

As loyal customer and good citizen what should I do. As you may remember I am on very tenuous turf with the grocery store federation here in town. Having been banned from all but the Vietnamese Grocery on the other side of town. The only reason I am not banned there is because they don’t subscribe to the paper. Now this has blown up. Really, I think it would be best if I just stay home. Maybe online shopping is best for me. After all, how much trouble could I get into there?

…. Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.