They Walk Among Us! #388 1/30/2018

All alone am I ever since your goodbye, all alone with just a beat of my heart. People all around but I don’t hear a sound, just the lonely beating of my heart. Brenda Lee – “All Alone Am I” – 1962

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

Hurry – Super Bowl Tickets – First Come First Served
A friend has 2 tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,000 for both tickets, but he didn’t realize when he bought them, it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It’s at St Andrew’s Cathedral, Philadelphia, PA at 3pm. Her name is Elizabeth, (Ellie) she is 5’4, about 115lbs, good cook too. She’ll be the one in the white dress.

What’s Happening This Week
February 1 – Drivel Over Coffee Blog Author Birthday.
February 2 – Groundhog Day
February 4 – Super Bowl

It is true, yours truly turns a ripe old 72 just before groundhog’s day. Never thought or wanted to be this old. Now what to do?

The Ground Hog
As Yogi Berra would say, “Groundhog Day is like Deja vu all over again”

PHOENIX GROUNDHOG BURIED ALIVE – 12 MORE YEARS OF SUMMER FORECAST
PHOENIX: Phoenix Phil, Arizona’s official groundhog, was buried alive beneath a recently constructed Wal Mart parking lot. Therefore, he did not appear on Groundhog Day and forecast the weather by looking for his shadow.

“That groundhog, he was a goner,” explained Governor Janet Brewer. “There is no precedent for the groundhog not showing up,” said Arizona State Senator John Dumbreak, “so we don’t know what this means for sure.” Dumbreak introduced legislation to designate Randy the Rattlesnake as the official February 2nd weather prognosticator for Arizona. The legislation was passed in emergency session. “Problem is, rattlesnakes don’t have a shadow”, noted the Governor, “but irrationality and misinformation has never stopped the state legislature from passing stupid laws.”

Baja Arizona neo-luddites were thrilled at the news that Phoenix’s groundhog ended up beneath six inches of asphalt. “Maybe, in retribution, God will punish their progress-mad leaders and bury Phoenix under 3 feet of snow,” commented Ned Ludlight, local luddite leader. “More likely they’ll end up with 12 more years of summer,” quipped Joe Sam, our foreign correspondent and statutory agent. Frightened Phoenix Chamber of Commerce officials frantically dug in the parking lot until well after dawn on the 2nd, hoping that the groundhog could be found.

Wal Mart officials were not amused at having their parking lot torn up. “Using a rattlesnake as our February 2nd weather critter doesn’t send the right message out about Arizona” explained Sonja Sellem, with the Phoenix Chamber. The rattlesnake appeared at dawn and bit a television news anchor on the ankle. Film at 10. Memorial services for Phil were held in the parking lot.

They Walk Among Us!
Yep, they sure do, and it seems as though their numbers are increasing. Just think about it, these individuals also vote. And how about the younger generation. You know the ones who cannot write their signature or read cursive. The ones who eat the Tide balls. They are our next leaders. Not a pretty sight. Next are just a few examples of those people walking among us.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends. One guy shouted, “Look at that dead bird!” A few of my friends looked up at the sky and said, “where?” They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff.” They Walk Among Us!

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible but said she didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving. They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk. They Walk Among Us!

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “Has your plane arrived yet?” (I work with professionals like this.) They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor when I was younger, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. They Walk Among Us!

Now this is a true story. A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.” “What sort of question?” asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, “Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?” Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.” Sadly, they walk among us!

7 Things to Do in Public in 2018
1. Scream at someone, “You’re one to them!” Back away slowly.
2. Walk into Sea World with a fishing pole.
3. Find a child, tell them you are him/her from the future.
4. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won! I won!”.
5. Fill an empty bottle of Windex with blue Gatorade, drink and double over in pain.
6. Look at someone directly through a glass window and say “Wow, I’m hideous”.
7. Go up to random people at the mall, hold up your ID and yell, “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?”

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.” Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110. “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is?” “Of course, I do”, he answered indignantly, as he slammed the door, and drove to his office. At 11 o’clock, the doorbell rang. The wife answered, and there at her front door was a UPS driver, in his hand was a box containing 12 red roses.

Later, at 2 pm there was another knock at the door, this time it was a deluxe box of Belgian chocolates. Eventually the husband came home, tired after a hard day’s work. His wife greeted him by saying: “First the flowers, then the chocolates, I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”

I am not a big reader, but I got started reading this book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.” I couldn’t put it down until I had read it from cover to cover. I was pumper up and eager to apply these new-found principles to my real life.

I stormed over to my current wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath, so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” Sue replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”

…. Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.