Oh My! #387 1/23/2018

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter.
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here. The Beatles Here Comes The Sun – 1969

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. The Drivel rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, an enlightenment, some storytelling, and a touch of humor perhaps. All while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep – Lost in The Sixties.

Great weekend eh? Mother Nature gave us a break from those cold temperatures finally. Really like the temps when they are over 30 degrees. Murphy is a happy doggie too. He likes to go out and frolic. I used to frolic also, but my frolicking days are long gone I am afraid. Lately, I have gotten into a hot cup of hot chocolate in the afternoon with marshmallows’ frolic. Kind of like I did when I came home from a really exhausting day at grade school. Those were brutal days in the winter. The classrooms were barely above frost level. I got pretty good writing in cursive with my mittens on. I think I got a couple gold stars on the writing chart actually.

On the subject of old business, my editor was in my ear hole for a considerable amount of time this week educating me on the subject of meme, emoji, hashtags and how a discussion of those were so out of place in the Drivel. She, being my current wife, assured me that my readership had a total disdain for these topics. Also, that I bored the living daylights out of everyone who happened to pick up the Drivel last week. I admit I may have gotten a bit of carried away, but I really was wanting to emphasis that these words were absolutely useless. ‘Nough said.

Point of Information
Went to Target grocery shopping today. Don’t go there for groceries often but I have few options any more. I was in aisle 4 and flatuated. Over the loud speaker maintenance was called to look for the sewage leak near aisle 4. I have now been banned from Target. As near as I can determine, there is a Thai grocery on the other side of town that I may be able to still shop at. At least I don’t think that there has been a citywide grocery store alert issued that would put that store on notice. Looks like Sue will be back to grocery shopping.

Inept Congress
I woke up Saturday morning assured that my government had succeeded in performing a partial government shutdown. It does seem that the House of Representatives do have their act pretty well together. Apparently, they have been passing appropriation bills since last summer and sending them to the Senate. By the way, that is what this fiasco is all about. They are just needed to approve the spending bills for the various departments. Simple! Oh no, everyone wants to tack non-spending bills onto it thus causing the problem. The pompous Senators with their archaic rules and posturing have embarrassed themselves as buffoons before the world. If you wanted to know what an idiot looked like take you pick of any Senator.

Social/Political Enigmas
Now consider this

  • Isn’t it weird that in America, our flag and our culture offend so many people, but our benefits don’t?
    • How can the federal government ask U.S. citizens to pay back student loans – when illegal aliens are receiving a free education?
    • Only in America are legal citizens labeled “racists” and “Nazis,” but illegal aliens are called “Dreamers.”
    • Liberals say, “If confiscating all guns saves just one life, it’s worth it.” Well, then, if deporting all illegals saves just one life, wouldn’t that be worth it?
    • I can’t quite figure out how you can proudly wave the flag of another country, – but consider it punishment to be sent back there.
    • The Constitution: It doesn’t need to be rewritten, – it needs to be reread.
    • William F. Buckley said: “Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other points of view and are then shocked and offended when they discover there are other points of view.”
    • Joseph Sobran said: “‘Need’ now means wanting someone else’s money. ‘Greed’ means wanting to keep your own. ‘Compassion’ is when a politician arranges the transfer.”
    • Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, – but some people still insist the last one was due to climate change.

Men’s Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally, the guys’ side of the story! We always hear the rules from the female side! Nowhere are the rules from the male side!! So, these are men’s rules in this guy’s mind at least! I am staying neutral in this list, I like my bed and I don’t like my couch as a sleeping device. This is a partial list. The guy went all out. I selected what I thought were the most universal ones.

• Men are NOT mind readers!
• Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• Sunday sports – It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
• If it itches, it will be scratched – We do that.
• I am in shape. Round is a shape!

Flatulence
My current wife and I attended a surprise birthday dinner party last night for a girlfriend of Sue’s. Boy, it turned out to be a surprise in several ways. We found out later that Wanda ate lunch at work, including 3 plates of beans which she knew she shouldn’t have done.

Dave, Wanda’s husband, had all of us arrive early so we could take our seats around the dinner table before Wanda got home. Dave was excited when Wanda arrive home and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded Wanda and led her to her chair at the dinner table. Wanda took a seat and just as Dave was about to remove her blindfold, the telephone rang. We all sat there completely quiet. Wanda couldn’t see a thing.

Dave made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! She took her napkin from her lap and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, she ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure seemed indescribable by the look on her face! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, so she quickly fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with herself. Remarkably, the guests were able to maintain their composer avoiding snickering, laughing, coughing, or sneezing the entire time.

Wanda’s face was the picture of innocence when Dave returned, apologizing for taking so long. Dave asked her if she had peaked through the blindfold, and she assured him she had not. At this point, Dave removed the blindfold, and all twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with our hands to our noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”

At the Gym
I am finally beginning to feel almost human again after a long, long bout with the crud that has been going around. I don’t know if it was the flu or what, but I do know it lingered in various forms from around Christmas to now. I am now on an antibiotic that tames my out of control sore throat. I still am not talking well yet. I decided to check out the fitness club. I haven’t been there for a long time. Actually, it has been since I had the radiation on my throat. I thought I would see how the world of fitness had changed while I had been gone.

My porky strut is all gone, my bulging quads and biceps – gone. Now, today I wobbled in with my gym bag and my walking stick keeping me from falling over. Yep, kind of a different elderly dude. I find a spot in the locker room and change into my “natty” workout gear. There are several men in the locker room also. A cell phone on a bench rings and one man answers it on the speaker phone and begins to talk. We all stop talking and rustling around to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$65,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

I see things hadn’t changed too much in the locker room. Out in the workout area, I looked to see if there were any new pieces of equipment and didn’t really see anything. I did notice that there were the usual hard bodies scattered around strutting their stuff. It occurred to me they were sort of like peacocks. One guy, I noticed wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut out in way to insure you can see his biceps, shoulders pecks or whatever those are. Nice long moisture wicking shorts hanging around his calves, cute little quarter socks peeking out just above his sneaks.

I could tell this guy was a gym vet. He didn’t have the waist belt, he didn’t have the sweat band, he didn’t have the fingerless leather gloves. No, he didn’t need those rookie things. His towel, water bottle, and mental attitude were all he needed. So, I watched him on a couple of machines. On this one gizmo, he set up the weights, walked around it, adjusted the grips to make sure they were right. He stood in front of it for a bit. Pumped his arms a few times. Took a few drinks of water. Deep breaths and then, suddenly, walked over to the drinking fountain. Back to the machine with a determined look and focus. I was certain he was going to go after it now. Bending over he grips the bar, gripping several times and releasing. Finally, he grips, squats, lifts, pulls bar to his waist, puts it down and pulls it up 4 more times. Now he is done. Breathing hard, he walks away drinking water and sweating. I thought he really did pretty good lifting 40 lbs. and he only took 15 minutes altogether. I wanted to watch him do something else, but I didn’t have time to watch another 15 minutes of preening and strutting for his next 30 seconds of lifting. OMG, get real dude.

So, nothing has really changed at the gym I see. Same hard bodies, same lame routines, same pretty girls working out or whatever and then a lot of people exerting some real sweat and doing some real exercise. The same can be said for my day to day views of the world. The government is in the crapper, my old body fails me at inopportune times, rants are more often and more diversified and, yet I still suck down my two cups of French Roast every morning.

…. Well my friends, thanks for allowing me back into your day. It is always an honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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