THE Iowa Hawkeyes! #379 11/7/2017

“It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in. There’s an old man sitting next to me, makin’ love to his tonic and gin” Billy Joel – Piano Man – 1973

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, storytelling, and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep, Lost in The Sixties.

Blog writing looks easy but let me tell you it takes a lot of effort. I have a routine. If anything upset this routine, I immediately go to plan B. Plan B is not pretty but works. If Plan B doesn’t work, well, I lob a Hail Mary Pass. That is what this week is – a Hail Mary Pass. You see it started innocently enough. Saturday the Iowa Hawkeyes played Ohio State in football in Kinnick Stadium. Naturally, the family went while I rooted at the TV. It was going to be a rout anyway so no big deal. I was right on the rout, but it was a big deal. Urban Meyer and the Ohio State got routed all the way back to Ohio. Needless, the family came home in a tizzy. On Sunday, I write a good portion of my blog in my “office” at Scooters, clean it up Sunday afternoon and sent it off to the editors Sunday evening or Monday morning. It comes back sometime Monday, I make corrections, it gets printed for hard copy distribution on Tuesday morning. Tuesday noon, the electronic versions get distributed. Unfortunately, this week the office was closed while I researched a train show with a friend, Charles, not his real name. Worn out getting home mid-afternoon and not being used to being out of my home county I was exhausted. Okay, Plan B which is write Monday morning.

So, Monday comes, reminds me of a song. My car is scheduled for service in Iowa City Monday morning. I pack my goodies, i.e. Computer, go to Iowa City, check in, set-up the computer and my brain to totally dead. There is not one sequence of words in my head that makes any sense whatsoever. It is now 4:00pm at my home where I am desperately looking for anyone named Mary or Halley, Hallie, Haile. Just anyone to toss me something. Desperation has started to set in. Hold on folks, this may get bumpy.

Robin O’ Day
One of the last nice days this fall I was sitting out on the patio doing some crosswords, enjoying a cool beverage and soaking up the weather when I noticed a pair of robins sitting in my maple tree above the feeding tray. I overheard one complain he was hungry. The other agreed and said, “Let’s fly down to that freshly plowed field and eat all the worms we can find” So they flew down and ate and ate and ate till one said I assume, “I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree.” The other probably replied, “Me either. Let’s just sit here and bask in the sun until we digest our meal” As they sat in the sun I noticed an old tomcat sneak up and eat them both. As he sat there cleaning his face I could tell he was thinking how he loves baskin robins.

Things to Think About…
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
• Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs…
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Give and Take
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most – your boss.” The man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’s bank account. Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’s house.

Finally, the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.” The man says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

Blonds – You May Want To Look Away
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s illegal.” “That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “I just want to sell the car.” “Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000, miles. Then you shouldn’t have a problem selling your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a month later, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. “Buffy,” she said, “how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?” “Ten,” said Buffy. So, the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. “Buffy,” she said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!” “Yes,” said Buffy. “Funny, so did I.”

There were three blondes at the University of Texas. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. So, they put the flag pole in the base and are then on ladders trying to measure the flagpole. Finally, an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble, so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure and measures the pole. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. The blondes look at each other and say “Just like those damn architects give us length when we wanted height.

The New CEO
On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against the wall. The room was full of workers and the CEO wanted to let them know that he meant business! So, the new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $300 a week. Why?” The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?” From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

From Lesbia?
A Wyoming cowboy gets off a plane in L.A., walks into a nearby bar and sits down beside a stunning looking redhead. He tries to pick her up, but she says, “Don’t waste your time…I’m a lesbian.” “What part of Lesbia are you from?” he asks. “You don’t understand…see that gorgeous blonde on the other side of the bar? Well, I’d love to take her up to my room, strip her naked and make mad passionate love to her!” “Wow!” says the cowboy, “I’d like to do the same thing… I must be a lesbian too!”

Animal Games
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises a hand. The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?” Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. “Very good Sally,” the teacher replies. Next, she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up a hand. “See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?” Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies. Next, she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. “See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?” Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.” Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard !!!”

So, there’re three men talking in a room, a catholic priest, a rabbi and a Muslim. they were mostly talking about administrative business about their methods so the Muslim goes “right after the last prayer of the day at the mosque I get the money from donations I draw a small circle on the floor and toss the money into the air, whatever amount gets into the circle is for me and the rest is for the mosque” the catholic priests follows quickly “I do pretty much the same although I draw a much bigger circle on the floor” -then the rabbi replies “I use a divine system much more worthy of god, I toss all the money into the air, god keeps whatever amount he wants for the synagogue and I keep the rest”

Sell My Stuff When I Die
A guy and his wife were sitting around talking after dinner. Out of the blue, he said, “Honey, if I die, I know you’ll eventually remarry. So as soon as I’m gone, I want you to sell all my stuff.” She asked, “Now, why would you want me to do that?”. He replied, “Well, I don’t want some other a@@hole using all my stuff.” She said, “What makes you think I’d marry ANOTHER a@@hole?

I have saved the absolute best for last. It can’t get any better than watching submarine racing. It is so competitive, intense, and fast moving. You got to watch it. My goodness, I couldn’t believe it.

…. Well my friends, allowing me into your day has truly been my honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.