Over 70 #377 10/24/2017

“Do you recall what was revealed the day the music died?”
Don McLean – American Pie 1971

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, storytelling, and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep, Lost in The Sixties.

When You Are 71

I left home one Friday afternoon to go to Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop. Instead of going home, I stayed out the entire weekend hunting and fishing with the boys and spending all my social security check. When I finally got home on Sunday night, I was confronted by my very angry current wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” I replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and I didn’t see Sue (my current wife), Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for me to see her just a little out of the corner of my left eye.

I have been to the VFW a several times of late at the invite of a poppy sales volunteer. The first time I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kinda cute. You gotta phone number?” I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?” She said, “Yeah, I gotta pen”…I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.” Cost me 6 stitches….but, when you’re seventy-one who cares?

Another time, I was telling this woman at the VFW about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. “Really” she said, “Go on then try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?” I said, “Yesterday.” Cost me a kick in the “privates”, but… When you’re seventy-one who cares?

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip, but when you’re seventy-one who cares?

Later, at the VFW, I saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.” The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?” I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.” Cost me 6 more stitches, but when you’re seventy-one who cares?
I went to the drug store and told the clerk “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.” Lady Clerk: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” I said “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..” When you’re seventy-one who cares?

I got caught taking a pee in the YMCA swimming pool Friday. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re seventy-one who cares?

A 70-year-old man I met at the VFW had never been married. He tells me that one day he met a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it was love at first sight. They got married and went to Florida for their honeymoon. I asked him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” he says. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we–” I interrupt him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”

My friend Morris’s 70th birthday is coming up and his family doesn’t know what to buy him – he is a man who really has everything. After much discussion, they have decided to hire a strip-o-gram. Morris has a good sense of humor and they think he will enjoy the joke. On the morning of his birthday, the doorbell rings. Morris opens the door and there stands a beautiful redhead wearing only black gloves and thigh-length boots. “Happy Birthday Morris,” she says. “Do you know why I’m here?” “No,” replies Morris. “Well, I’ve come here to give you ‘super sex’,” she says provocatively. Just for a brief moment, Morris looks a bit confused, but then says, “You’ve given me a difficult decision to make – what kind of soup is it?”

Spud, a friend of mine, is out shopping Lindale Mall when he bumps into his friend Sam outside Kay’s Jewelers. Sam has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. “Hi Sam,” says Spud, “what have you been buying, may I ask?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” replies Sam, “it’s my Miriam’s 70th birthday tomorrow and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said, ‘Oh, I’ll leave it up to you, darling, but how about something with lots of diamonds in it.'” “So, tell me already, what did you buy her?” asks Spud. “I bought her two decks of Bridge cards,” replies Sam.

…. Well my friends, allowing me into your day has truly been my honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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