Stupid is as Stupid Does! #375 10/10/2017

“It’s gettin’ dark, too dark to see. I feel I’m knockin’ on heaven’s door.”
Bob Dylan Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door 1973

The Drivel staff welcomes you to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, storytelling, and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep, Lost in The Sixties.

Before we get into “Stupid is as Stupid Does” segment, I want to give a shout out to Svenette. She helped me out with a “Trashy Tuesday” problem. We had an increasingly annoying problem with our Trash container curb location. It seems we had a high spot develop and our Garby, Curby and Yardy had difficulty standing by the curb. My Garby stood at a precarious angle every Tuesday. Thanks to skills developed as a homeowner in a flood area, it was easy work for her to eliminate my problem. Come on, let’s give her a round of applause.

2017 Darwin Awards
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:
• When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

The honorable mentions:
• The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping round, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
• A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
• After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
• An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
• A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
• Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
• As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
• The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
• When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!
Remember… They walk among us and they can reproduce and, they VOTE!

Feeling A Bit Stupid?
Whenever you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius. This was sent to me by a friend knowing that I feel a little stupid most of the time.
• On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

• “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey
• “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
• “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
• “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
• “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” –A congressional candidate in Texas.
• “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
• “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” –Al Gore, Vice President
• “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Dan Quayle
• “We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” –Lee Iacocca
• “The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
• “We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
• “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
• “Traditionally, most of Australia ‘s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery
• “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

The Bank Slot Machine
My current wife needed to go to the bank on Friday so I tagged along. I decided to cash in a jar full of pennies and a jar of misc. coins. Our bank has a coin counting machine in the lobby. I had never used it before. It was relatively simple, push a button, pour your coins in the hopper slowly and listen to the coins tinkling in the machine just like hitting a jackpot on a slot machine. I finished the first jar, got a total. I jumped up in the air, let out a yell and shook my fist in the air. Suddenly, I realized that everyone in the bank was looking at me. My current wife was rushing toward me waving her arms and asking what it was that I thought I was doing. I said I hit a jackpot in a low embarrassed voice. She grabbed the other jar, cashed it in without incident but I swear I heard her say “Jackpot” under her breath. On Monday, I received a letter letting me know that I will no longer have access to the coin counting machine.

Facebook Social Skills
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them a picture of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

…. Well my friends, allowing me into your day has truly been my honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.