Shopping #373 9/26/2017

“In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty, I want to be in the warm hold of your loving mind. Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind” Donovan – Catch The Wind – 1965

YIKES – I SENT LAST WEEKS OUT AGAIN!!!! THE DRIVEL CLAN ALWAYS HAS MY BACK.

The Drivel staff welcomes you to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, storytelling, and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep, Lost in The Sixties.

Shopping
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

I was shopping in Hy-Vee one-day last week. I tend to go there 2 or 3 times a week it seems. Anyway, I am sauntering up and down the aisles taking my sweet time. Ahead of me a young man was walking along picking up a few things followed by an old lady. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Eventually we all headed for the checkout line. She got in front of him.

The three of us are standing in the same line since it was the only one open. “Pardon me,” I heard her say, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Well, yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.

She checked out and as the old woman was leaving, the young man called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” She turned and gave a little wave, as only little old ladies can. As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, ‘Guess.’

I said, “I don’t know……..maybe 350 pounds.” Apparently, I am not allowed to shop there anymore.

Hey, you can’t make this stuff up. It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered Roy’s butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally, Roy offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. Roy had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said Roy with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home, he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment? The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

Of course, we need to have a Wal-Mart story. A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!” The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The Manager comes up to the Woman and asks, “What’s wrong?” She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!” In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?” In a huff, the woman says, “BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up. “He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So, I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.” “Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily. “Sure, it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was he said, “I am blind. Drop it on the ground and I’ll tell ya.” She dropped it on the ground. “Aahh that’s $10.00.” She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it. “That will be $20.00.” “But you said $10.00.” “$10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.”

…. Well my friends, allowing me into your day has truly been my honor. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.