Labor Day #370 9/5/2017

“If not for you, babe, I couldn’t find the door, couldn’t even see the floor.
I’d be sad and blue if not for you.”
Bob Dylan & George Harrison- “If Not For You” 1970

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, storytelling, and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. Yep, Lost in The Sixties.

Labor Day

• If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end… it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
• If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
• This Labor Day let’s salute American corporations for keeping the Chinese gainfully employed.

My current wife came home from work one day raging about her boss. She said to me, “I’m never going to work for that man again!”. I asked her, “Why, what did he say to you?” She said, “You’re fired.”

In the week before Labor Day, Eli, a friend of my dad and a dirt-poor country farmer won the Lottery – half a million dollars. To celebrate, he treated his wife and their four kids to a trip to see the Labor Day parade in New York.

He booked them rooms in the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. They’d never been to anywhere like New York before, in fact they’d never traveled further afield than their local town, so when they got there they were completely bowled over by all the glitz, glamor and excitement of the “Big Apple”.

Eli and his son Clem were particularly mesmerized by a shiny box with silver walls in the hotel reception. They’d never come across doors that could move apart, and then automatically close again. Neither had seen an elevator before, so they were totally amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed on her. The lights on the wall by the doors flashed for a minute or so, then the doors opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman. Eli turned to Clem and said, “Son, go get your mother.”

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer. He said to me, “You can’t drink while you’re working.” I said, “Oh, don’t worry – I’m not working.”

Performance Evaluations

• These quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
• “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has started to dig.”
• “His men would follow him anywhere, ……. but only out of morbid curiosity.”
• “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
• “This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’.”
• “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
• “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
• “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
• “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Office Signs

• Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
• At a Proctologist’s door: “To expedite your visit please back in.”
• On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
• On a Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
• Pizza Shop Slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
• At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
• On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”
• At a Towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
• On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

A 70-year-old man went for a Sperm Test. The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm. The next day, the man came with the empty bottle & said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand & right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth. Then the neighbor’s wife & daughter tried the same way, but could not open the damn bottle.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?” “No!” the children all answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?” Again, the answer was “No!” “Well”, she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

…. Well my friends, it has been my honor to have the opportunity to bring a chuckle or two into your day. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.