Commendation #369 8/29/2017

“And time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much, are you still mine?”
Unchained Melody – The Righteous Brothers, 1965

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, storytelling, and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s.

The Get Together
We had a little get together last Thursday at the Veterans Memorial Building on Mays Island. It is really a neat place. Too bad it isn’t utilized more than it is. Anyway, I had a bunch of friends come in to participate in an awards ceremony hosted by Senator Joni Ernst and her Cedar Rapids office staff. It was the first time I had met her. She was as you would expect – a genuine Iowa girl. I was awarded the United States Air Force Commendation Medal. I had received notice in the mail in 1969 that I had been awarded this but the time was not right to have an awards ceremony. For a couple of reasons, I guess. Thanks to all that extended congratulatory messages.

Oldsters Alert

• Here is a list of important facts to remember as we grow older.
• Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.

Sayings From The Good Old Days
Do you remember these sayings from the “Good Old Days”? I remember most of them. Is that good or bad? Anyway, these sayings still ring true today.

• That dog won’t hunt.
• Patience is a virtue.
• If wishes were horses. …then beggars would ride.
• Silence is golden.
• If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you?
• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
• A penny saved is a penny earned.
• Silk purse from a sow’s ear.
• Don’t borrow trouble.
• A watched pot never boils.
• Better to bend than to break.
• Make hay while the sun shines.

Top Care For The Elderly
A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital. “How are you grandpa?” He asks. “Feeling fine” says the old man. What’s the food like? “Terrific, wonderful menus”. “And the nursing?” “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you”. “What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?” “No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. “What are you people doing” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?” “Oh, yes” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well”. “The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed”.

Annual Mental Acuity Test
It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. There are only 5 questions. The answers are at the end of the blog. Most people get these right away but don’t worry if you miss a few. It just means that you should have taken the test last year. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?
2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink?
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man’s land”?
5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Mr. Wallace
Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy noticing his mood asked him if there was anything wrong, “Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr. Wallace. “My Private Part died today, and I am very sad. Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she decided to humor him and replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.”

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. “Oh, Mr. Wallace,” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.” “But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,” replied Mr. Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. “Yes,” said Nurse Tracy, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?” (You’ve gotta love this ..)

“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”

Always Check Your Hospital Chart
The following were actually found in patient’s hospital charts. Can you believe it?

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
3. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
4. The patient refused autopsy.
5. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
6. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
7. She is numb from her toes down.
8. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
9. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
10. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
11. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
12. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?” “SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!” “And is this her first child?” Questioned the doctor. “NO, YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

Mental Acuity Test Answers

1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, “green bricks,” why are you still reading these???
4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man’s land”? Answer: You don’t bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop.
5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

…. Well my friends, it has been my honor to have the opportunity to bring a chuckle or two into your day. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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