Marriage #367 8/15/2017

“Here’s my story, sad but true. It’s about a girl that I once knew. She took my love then ran around with every single guy in town” Run Around Sue – Dion and the Del Satins 1961

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, storytelling, and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. My music ranges from rock & roll to folk music to the music of the free spirits. The journey through life has not always been smooth, but with my music always with me, I have managed to age 71.

Costco Medical Advice

One day I was standing in line at the company cafeteria behind Mike. Joe turns and says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample… He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

• Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
• Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
• Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
• Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours… Get a lawyer.
• If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
• Thank you for shopping @ Costco

ELECTRIC CARS – Deal or No Deal?

Since the advent of electric cars, the REAL cost per mile of those things has never been discussed. All you ever heard was mpg in terms of gasoline, with nary a mention of the cost of electricity to run it. Electricity must be one of the least efficient ways to power things yet they’re being shoved down our throats.

For example, a home charging system for a Tesla requires 75-amp service. The average house is equipped with 100-amp service. On a small street (approximately 25 homes), the electrical infrastructure would be unable to carry more than 3 houses with a single Tesla, each. For even half the homes to have electric vehicles, the system would be wildly over-loaded. This is the elephant in the room with electric vehicles. Our residential infrastructure cannot bear the load.

According to General Motors, the Volt battery holds 16 kWh of electricity. It takes a full 10 hours to charge a drained battery. The cost for the electricity to charge the Volt is never mentioned so let’s use $1.16 per kWh a representative fee. 16 kWh x $1.16 per kWh = $18.56 to charge the battery. $18.56 per charge divided by 25 miles = $0.74 per mile to operate the Volt using the battery. Compare this to a comparable size car with a gasoline engine that gets only 32 mpg. $3.19 per gallon divided by 32 mpg = $0.10 per mile. The gasoline powered car costs about $30,000 while the Volt costs $46,000+. So, the American Government wants loyal Americans not to do the math, but simply pay one and a half times as much for a car, that costs more than seven times as much to run, and takes three times longer to drive across the country. Wake up America! Just sayin’.

Eight Words/Two Meanings

• THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female – Any part under a car’s hood.
Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

• VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male – Playing football without a cup.

• COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

• COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

• ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female – A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

• FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female – An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male – A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

• MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male – Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

• REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female – A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A Shot Or Not…

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later, I called them again. “Hello,” I said, “I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now because I’ve shot them.”

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: “I thought you said you’d shot them.” To which I replied: “I thought you said there was no one available.”

Making Fun of Your Husband

Why you should never take your wife to the state fair. Many, many years ago, my current wife and I went to the state fair. We wandered into the Livestock Barn. One of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. Well-endowed bulls one after another in individual pens. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that stated, “THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.” My current wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

We walked along to the next pen which had a sign attached that stated. “THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR”. My current wife gave me the look and a healthy jab and said, “WOW! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

In the third pen was an exceptionally built young bull with an unmistakable twinkle in his eye. Standing in front of the pen, we read the sign attached that stated, “THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR”. My current wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.” I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was the same old cow.”

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery… And we never made it to the Swine Barn.

Faithfulness?

Friends of ours, Martha and Henry were about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Over a cup of French Roast, Henry related a conversation he had had with his wife. It went like this.

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?” Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “All right,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes…..?”

Henry fainted…..

The secret to a long and happy marriage.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach on Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, “What a peaceful and loving couple”. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: “Well, it dates to our honeymoon in America.” We visited the Grand Canyon by a horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse quietly saying, “That’s once.” “We proceeded further along the trail. Her horse stumbled again. Again, my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” “We hadn’t gone more than half a mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, “What’s wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?” Looking squarely at me, she quietly said, “That’s once.” From that moment…. We have lived happily ever after.”

Groan! The Punniest Jokes

• Did you hear about the guy who had his left arm and leg amputated? He’s all right now.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put it down.
• I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center says. “Keep off the Grass.”
• If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
• Police was called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

…. Well my friends, it has been my honor to have the opportunity to bring a chuckle or two into your day. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.