Teachers, Kids & Fishes #366 8/8/2017

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, story-telling and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. My music ranges from rock & roll to folk music to the music of the free spirits. The journey through life has not always been smooth, but with my music always with me I have managed to age 71.

Teachers & Kids

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Sarah replied, “They will in a minute.”

Jane was talking to Mrs. Darby, her teacher, about whales. Mrs. Darby said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. Jane stated quite clearly that the Bible says Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, Mrs. Darby reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. Finally, Jane murmured, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah, myself.” Mrs. Darby continued, “What if Jonah went to hell?” Very smartly Jane replied, “Then you can ask him.”

After retiring, a former Gunny Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable when he wore his suit coat. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence… The rest of the year went smoothly.

I ran across a picture of my first-grade class over the weekend. I sat for a while remembering various incidents that I was involved in. Mrs. Shirley, who I loved, was having trouble with me it would seem. One day she asked me what my problem was I replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.” The teacher took me to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Mrs. Shirley that he would give me a test, and if I failed to answer one question I would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and I agreed. So began the oral test.
Principal; “What is 3 x 3?” Me: “9”.
Principal: “6 x 6?” Me: “36”.

And so, it went like this, the principal asked me every question a third grader should know. Finally, after about an hour he told the Mrs. Shirley “I see no reason Doyce can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.” Mrs. Shirley asked if she could ask me some questions. The principal and I agreed.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?” Me: “Legs.”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?” The principal gasps and squirms in his chair but before he can stop me from answering I says, “pockets”.
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Me: “Pants”.
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?” Me: “Firetruck”.

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says, “Put Doyce in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.” History show that I didn’t make it in 5th grade. It was not more than a week or so and I was back with Mrs. Shirley in 1st grade. I was and “ideal” student after that.

Mrs. Shirley, handed out a coloring page to her students – on it was a picture of a frog holding an umbrella. When we handed them in, I had colored the frog bright purple. Mrs. Shirley scolded me, asking, “How often have you seen a purple frog?” I answered the best as I could, “The same number of times I’ve seen a frog holding an umbrella.”
The little boy, Johnny I suppose, wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said …”I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”

Things Teachers Won’t Say

1. “Our principal is soooooooooo smart. No wonder he’s in administration!”
2. “Thank goodness for these evaluations. They keep me focused.”
3. “I’d like to see Red Lobster offer a meal like this!”
4. “I can’t BELIEVE I get paid for this!!!!”
5. “Here class, just put all your gym shoes in this box next to my desk.”
6. “I bet all the people in our administration really miss teaching!!”
7. “Gosh, the bathroom smells so fresh and clean!”
8. “It must be true; the superintendent said so!”
9. “I think the discipline around here is just a LITTLE too strict!!”
10. “It’s Friday already???????”

Dear Mr. President:

During my shift in the Emergency Room last night, I had the pleasure of evaluating a patient whose smile revealed an expensive shiny gold tooth, whose body was adorned with a wide assortment of elaborate and costly tattoos, who wore a very expensive brand of tennis shoes and who chatted on a new cellular telephone equipped with a popular R&B ring tone.

While glancing over her patient chart, I happened to notice that her payer status was listed as “Medicaid”! During my examination of her, the patient informed me that she smokes more than one costly pack of cigarettes every day and somehow still has money to buy pretzels and beer.

And, you and our Congress expect me to pay for this woman’s health care? I contend that our nation’s “health care crisis” is not the result of a shortage of quality hospitals, doctors or nurses. Rather, it is the result of a “crisis of culture”, a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one’s self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance. It is a culture based on the irresponsible credo that “I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me.”

Once you fix this “culture crisis” that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you’ll be amazed at how quickly our nation’s health care difficulties will disappear.

Dr. Jones, in this letter to the President, expressed an interesting viewpoint. If you doubt any part of what Dr. Jones says, go visit your local hospital emergency room as an observer for an hour or so some Friday or Saturday night. Then see how many responsible people you can send this to!!!

Fishing Lure

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.” Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. Suddenly, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. “Let’s see yer fishin’ license, Boy!” the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!” “Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

Friends of mine went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman’s boat and asks her what she’s doing? She says, “Reading my book.” The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she’s not fishing. To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!” Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, “If you do that, I will charge you with rape.” The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, “But I didn’t even touch you.” To which the lady replied, “Yes; but you have all the equipment!”

Ten-year old Johnny rushes home from school. Yes, here is Johnny again. Poor kid is always showing up in these stories. Well, he invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream…when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation…Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat.

As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

…. Well my friends, it has been my honor to have the opportunity to bring a chuckle or two into your day. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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