Highwayman #365 8/1/2017

 I was a highwayman. Along the coach roads I did ride, with sword and pistol by my side.
Many a young maid lost her baubles to my trade.
The Highwaymen (Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Kris Kristofferson) 1985

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that rambles through this thing called life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, story-telling and joke telling. In a caffeine induced coma from my favored French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s and early 70’s. My music ranges from rock & roll to folk music to the music of the free spirits. The journey through life has not always been smooth, but with my music always with me I have managed to age 71.

My quote this week was from the song “Highwayman” recorded by The Highwaymen. The Highwaymen was a country music supergroup composed of four of the genre’s biggest artists well known for their pioneering influence on the outlaw country subgenre: Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, and Kris Kristofferson. Active as a group between 1985 and 1995, these four artists recorded three major label albums as The Highwaymen: two on Columbia Records and one for Liberty Records. Their Columbia works produced three chart singles, including the number one “Highwayman” in 1985. The four original members starred in a movie together: the 1986 film Stagecoach. They continued performing together until health issues forced them to quit. Waylon Jennings passed away in 2002 and a year later Johnny Cash passed. Great sounds!

On The August Calendar

• August 5, 2017 – National Underwear Day
When it comes to understanding Underwear Day, it is not all about lace and leather. Cotton, Spandex, neoprene, polyester, velvet and so many more materials are used in many different types and styles of undergarments. From Bras to panties, corsets to boxers, one can always find some sort of garment to go between their skin and the outer clothing layer. This day is about celebrating those articles of clothing, and the body image we all attempt to cultivate with them. Revel in your undergarments, show them off and smile, for you should be happy with who you are, and embrace that body image!

• August 21 – Total Solar Eclipse
Here we are the first of August already. Can you believe it? This is the month of the total eclipse. We are planning a family weekend in Missouri and have a viewing spot located and reserved. It would seem the majority of the American populace will converge on the narrow path to witness this event. Is it possible the earth will tilt or something? Don’t forget to get your special glasses if you are going to view this event.

Eating in The Fifties
• Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.
• Curry was a surname.
• A take-away was a mathematical problem.
• Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.
• Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
• All chips were plain.
• Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
• Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
• Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
• Chickens didn’t have fingers in those days.
• None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
• Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
• Cooking outside was called camping.
• Seaweed was not a recognized food.
• Kabab’ was not even a word, never mind a food.
• Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
• Prunes were medicinal.
• Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.
• Pineapple came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
• Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggest bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.
• The one thing that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties… was elbows, hats and cell phones.

Watermelon Patch

Ah, the watermelons are starting to show up at the farmer’s markets. They remind me about our garden on the farm when I was a kid. My Grandpa lived with us and he was a character. He had a watermelon patch. He inspected his garden daily. Upon inspection, he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to his prized watermelons. Grandpa mulls over ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. He decides to put up a sign that read: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!” Grandpa smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. Grandpa returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

Grocery Shopping
I was standing at the deli in the supermarket when a lady walks up and orders a burger. The huge woman behind the counter bellows, “One burger!” Ed the cook, who’s even bigger and more disgusting, screams, “Bur-ger!”, whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The lady says, “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” The waitress replies, “Oh yeah? That’s nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts. Suddenly, my appetite decided to go hide. I quietly slipped away to do my shopping.

Boy, was I glad to get away from the deli. As luck would have it, I bumped into a guy I knew slightly. We chit-chatted for a bit. He asked how long I had been married, “Amazing. 50 years!”. “What’s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?” “Well,” I replied, “It’s like this. The man of the house makes all the big decisions… and the woman just makes the little decisions.” “Really?” he responded. “Does that really work?” “Oh, yes,” I said proudly. “50 years, and so far, not one big decision!”

I noticed a woman ahead of me. In her cart were 2 liters of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 liters of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. We finished shopping at about the same time. I headed for checkout lane #6 and she landed in #7. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a Drunk walked up behind her with a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee beer. The drunk watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier and he said, “You must be single.” The woman was a bit startled and she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual that could lead to such conclusion. She said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?” The drunk replied, “Cos you’re ugly.”… I could not believe my ears. Was the drunk related to the cook at the deli? Good grief, not a good day at the grocery store.

I hate this but that brings me to bowel movements. After all the grocery shopping experiences, I just have to related a conversation between Herbie, Spud and Billy Bob during our Old Farts Coffee Klatch at Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop last Thursday. They are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. Spud says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.” Herbie says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight, I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.” Billy Bob says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow.” “So, what’s your problem?” Herbie & Spud asked. “I don’t wake up until nine.” For me, time for another sip of Jimmy’s old joe.

I have a quiz for you all today. Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:?
• 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
• 7 have been arrested for fraud
• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
• 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
• 3 have done time for assault
• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
• 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
• 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Oh, The Rednecks
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya… where ya from, boy?” The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.” The bartender asks, “What th’ hell you do in Iowa?” The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.” The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… now just what th’ hell is a taxidermist?” The guy says, “I mount animals.” The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of us!”

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.” “That’s mighty nice of you,” Billy Bob answered, “but I don’t think my Pa would like me to.” “Aw, come on boy,” the farmer insisted. “Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but my Pa won’t like it.” After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad.” “Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?” “Under the wagon.”

…. Well my friends, it has been my honor to have the opportunity to bring a chuckle or two into your day. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

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