I pulled into Nazareth, was feeling ’bout half past dead.
I just need some place where I can lay my head. “The Weight” 1968 by The Band.
Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that ambles down the gravel road of life, stopping here and there for reflection, enlightenment, story-telling and joke telling. Caffeine induced coma from French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie always is with me during my journey. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s. My music of the 60’s and early 70’s ranges from rock & roll to folk music to the music of the free spirits. The journey through life has not always been smooth, but with my music always with me I have managed to age 71.
I was sitting next to a fellow on our plane trip from Vancouver to Denver last month. He looked as if he were a pleasant guy so I asked, “So what do you do?” “I’m a professional zombie hunter.”, he replied. “No, seriously.” I countered. “I am. Have you seen any zombies around recently?” “Of course not.” I replied. “You’re welcome.” He said. I decided to take a nap.
You all remember my current wife, Sue, don’t you? Out of the blue the other day she asked me why Spud and I don’t play golf together anymore. “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his scorecard and moves the ball when you’re not looking?” I replied. “Certainly not,” she said. “Well, neither does Spud.”
I bet you have never seen this when grocery shopping. I went grocery shopping last Friday. I didn’t need much, just a few things. I was well below the 9 item limit on the express line and got in line behind a woman that obviously went way beyond the limit. Often times the checkout clerk will ignore it if there is no line but this day it was busy. The woman got to the checkout. The cashier said to woman, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you have too many items. This lane is for carts with 9 items or fewer.” “Wait just a minute,” the woman said, then came back pulling two more carts. I counted my items twice just to insure I wouldn’t be called out by the clerk.
Hysteria Lane once again lives up to its name. A few nights ago, somewhere this side of midnight, Murphy, my Boston Terrier, and I were preparing for bed. I am in my computer room shutting down my computer. The curtains over the window were pulled back. I leaned over to close them when I noticed what appeared to be several flashlights flashing over at one of the hotties homes and her neighbors also. I watched for a bit fearing that a robbery was in progress, an assault was occurring or some type of drug activity was taking place. I continued to watch trying to decide if I should get my gun and take control of whatever the situation was. Just as I was getting up the flashlights went out. I could vaguely make out people dispersing. A moment or two later all seemed quiet, so Murphy and I went to bed. The next morning my current wife informed that the hysteria lane hotties and neighbors were watching Cicada’s breaking out of their shells. I am thankful that I didn’t do the Rambo thing with guns drawn.
A new Harvard study says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.”
Some of the situations I get myself into or see you just can’t make up. It has been hot and humid in Iowa for a good week now. Sue and I were crossing a busy street. We were on our way to meet for Lunch with Daughter Jenny when this guy ahead of us faints. Traffic heavy at lunch time downtown and quickly piled up in all directions. So, a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man pushed his way through the crowd that had congregated around the man, pushed the woman aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my wife, Sue, tagged along. When the doctor entered the examination room, he tells the me, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.” Being a little hard of hearing, I looked at Sue and yelled: “WHAT?” “What did he say? What does he want?” Sue yelled back, “He needs your underwear.”
Getting my underwear, the doctor runs some tests and says to the me, “Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?” And the I said, “Oh me and God? We’re tight. We have a real bond, he’s good to me. Every night when I must get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.” Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
The doctor called Sue aside and said, “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?” And Sue says, “That idiot, he’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”
…. Well my friends, it has been my honor to have the opportunity to bring a chuckle or two into your day. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”
Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to email@example.com.