The Midnight Sun #359 6/6/2017

“Sing us a song you’re the piano man. Sing us a song tonight.
Well we’re all in the mood for a melody and you got us feeling alright.”
Piano Man – Billy Joel

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that focuses on nothing really. Caffeine induced coma from French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s. Fifty-three years ago this month I graduated from high school not knowing where or what I would become in the year 2017. The only constant I had to carry me through my journey through life was my music. The music of the 60’s and early 70’s from rock & roll to folk music to the music of the free spirits. As these tunes play in my ear, let’s get going on my last blog before summer vacation.

This is my last blog until June 27th. Sue, my current wife, suggested we take a vacation in honor of our 50th wedding anniversary. She suggested Alaska. I explained things to her like bears, snow, cold, bears (Big Bears), igloos and sun all the time. Didn’t faze her at all – actually I think she relished the thought of me encountering a big bear. My protestations were in vain, as I knew they would be. Yep, we have now a trip for 2 to Alaska. What is called a land and sea package. Four days on land, albeit chilly and wet. Next is seven days on a big boat. That is ‘boat’ not ‘bear’. I am hopeful that I will be able to evade the big bears and moose and be able to get on the boat part. I figure I will be pretty safe there. I must be sure not to upset anyone (current wife) so as to avoid being pushed overboard late at night. With that news, I am looking forward to an adventure and do really hope that this is not my last blog. With fingers crossed read, enjoy, maybe smile a bit and hope for our safe return. Now on to business.

Tampons & Pills

You probably heard about the pharmacist that was shocked when two kids wanted to buy tampons. Their response is gold. Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight”, the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?” The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.” ‘Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.

“Yes.” The boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

Spud

I ran into Spud the other day at the grocery store of all places. We hadn’t seen one another for some time. You know Spud. He is a member of the Old Farts Coffee Klatch that meets periodically at Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop as seen below. We visited for a while telling one lie after the other about what we had been doing.

He told me, for instance, that his wife, Inez, went to the doctor a while back. She told the doctor she has a problem with gas, but that it really didn’t bother her too much. Her farts never smell and are always silent. Is that normal? She told the doctor that she had farted at least 20 times since she had been in his office. It is the frequency that bothered her the most. You didn’t know it because they don’t smell and are silent. Spud swore to me that this actually happened seeing as how he was with Inez at the time. The doc told her to take the pills he gave her and come back to see him next week.

I told Spud about receiving an email informing me about my mother-in-law’s death. It also asked whether she should be buried or burnt. I replied, “Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.” Spud laughed a bit so I reminded him that he didn’t finish the story about Inez and her doctor.

Spud relates that he and Inez returned a week later as instructed by the doctor. How are you doing the doctor asked. Spud’s wife told the doc that she didn’t know what the hell he gave her, but now her farts… although still silent…stink terribly. Good the doctor told them. Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.

Many Moons

My current wife and I were sitting in the Eastern Iowa Airport waiting to pick up our daughter. I sat in the crowded waiting area next to a cowboy. He wore a Stetson, jeans and cowboy boots so I just naturally assumed he was a cowboy. Our conversation proved I was correct; he was heading back home to Wyoming. He had been visiting an aunt and uncle. I told him how I was a retired CEO and resided mostly in Florida (a big fat lie.) We chatted for a long time. He told me the story of how he went to the outhouse back home one time. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, “How long have you been down there?” The Indian replied, “Many moons.”

Alaska

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don’t scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, “You will find no fish there.” The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice booms again, “You will find no fish under the ice.” The drunk looks up and says, “God, is that you?” The voice says, “No, I’m the manager of this ice rink.”

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said, “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. “Not bad,” said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So, they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said, “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. “Wow, that’s colder than mine!” said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So, they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said, “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, looked under three huge thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”. He won.

High Tea with Dad

A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, “Watch this!” The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother turns to the father and says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

Did You Know?

• There are more airplanes in the oceans, than submarines in the sky?

• “Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

• Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

• People say love is the best feeling. But I think finding a toilet when you are having diarrhea is better.

• That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same feeling when mowing the lawn?

• Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

• You play any dangerous sports? I sometimes disagree with my wife.

If a woman says, “Do what you want”. DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT. Stand still. Do not blink. Don’t even breathe. Just play dead.

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks June. “They’re on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,” Eddie replies. “Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks Eddie. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife. Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Heineken and it’s half the price.” Eddie never knew what hit him. The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: “Cleanup on aisle 19, we have a husband down.”

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years’ experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held. “Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

…. Well my friends, I am off to the wild blue yonder for a while. I will be off the grid. I sincerely hope that French Roast is available up there. Otherwise, it will be a long trip. If you look closer, it’s easy to trace the tracks of my tears. “If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, email to doycebailey@yahoo.com.