Oh Mother! #356 5/16/2017

“I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know.”
― Mitch Albom, For One More Day

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that focuses on nothing really. Induced caffeine coma of French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s. I trust you all had your Mom’s on your mind and in your hearts this past weekend and that you let her know just how special she is to you.

Moms

Things My Mom Would Never Say

• “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
• “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
• “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.”
• “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
• “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
• “Well, if Rahul’s mamma says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
• “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
• “I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve.”
• “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

Julie and Tom just moved onto Hysteria Lane. I was in the front yard pulling weeds from our flower beds. Tom drove into the driveway coming from work. Julie, a blonde, came running up to her husband as he was getting out of the car. Julie said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” Hearing that, I immediately turned the hearing aids onto high so I could hear every word. The husband said, “Great, tell me why you’re so happy!”
I’m pregnant!” Julie shouted. Tom said, “That’s wonderful dear! I couldn’t be happier!” Then, Julie said, “Oh, Honey, wait, there’s more!” He asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?” “Well, we aren’t having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!” She said.

Stunned, Tom asked her how she knew. Julie said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack Home Pregnancy Test Kit” and BOTH tests came out positive!” There you go – life on Hysteria Lane.

Miscellaneous

• A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look, Buddy, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

• A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.” The other man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”

• Sometimes whenever I eat M&M’s, I like to hold two M&Ms in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks, I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn’t crack becomes the champion. Then I grab another M&M and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of M&M gladiators. I do this until I run out of M&Ms and when there is only one M&M left standing, I send a letter to M&Ms brand with the champion M&M in it with a note attached that read: “please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

• Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”

• A man walks into a barber shop and says, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, “You and I should spend some time in a hotel room.” She replies, “My husband wouldn’t like that.” The man says, “Tell him you’re working overtime, and I’ll pay you the difference.” She says, “You tell him. He’s the one shaving you.”

The Harvey (no not that Harvey) funnies

• Man comes into the ER and yells,” My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco

• At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

• One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’ Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

• During a patient’s two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’. I asked. The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include: “Please remove the old patch before applying a new one.” Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

• While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion, she answered. “Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive.” Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

• I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste.” Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly. Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’ Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

• A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a brief note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.” Submitted by RN no name

• As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. “No doctor but the song you were whistling was… I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.” Dr. wouldn’t submit his name..

• A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

…. Well my friends, another spell-binding issue of the Drivel is put to bed. If you look closer, it’s easy to trace the tracks of my tears. “If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”