Free Fallin’ #354 5/2/2017

“It’s a long day livin’ in Reseda. There’s a freeway runnin’ through the yard. I’m a bad boy, ’cause I don’t even miss her. I’m a bad boy for breakin’ her heart. Now I’m free, I’m free fallin’. Yea I’m free, free fallin’.”
Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. A blog that focuses on nothing really. Induced caffeine coma of French Roast coffee and quite possibly a chocolate chip cookie. All the while my brain reverberates with the best music in the world – The ‘60’s.

Not too long ago, I felt that my current wife was being distant and unloving. I wanted to know how she would react if I left without telling her where I had gone. I decided to write her a letter saying I was tired of her and didn’t want to live with her anymore. I knew it was petty and perhaps childish, but I needed to know how she felt about me. And besides, this was more of a prank than a real test, right? I wrote the letter, I put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until she got home. You do understand that this was not a little feat for me. I hoped to hear her outraged response or to see her get upset. When Sue eventually came back home, she saw the letter on the table and read it.

After a few moments of silence, she picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then she started to change, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while she did so. She seemed overjoyed, rather than crushed and heartbroken. I was shocked and incredibly hurt. But things only got worse. Sue grabbed her phone and dialed. I listened from under the bed as she started chatting to someone. “Hey babe,” she said into the phone. “I’m just getting changed now, I’ll join you in a bit. As for the other fool, it finally dawned on him that I was cheating on him and he left. I was wrong to have ever married him; I wish we had met earlier. See you soon, honey!” Sue hung up and walked out of the room. After a time, I heard the front door open and close – she was gone. In tears and very upset, I climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what the unfaithful wench had written on the end of my letter.

Through teary eyes, I read: “I could see your feet under the bed, you idiot. I’m going out to buy some bread for you. I love you.”

Old Is When?

1. Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
2. Or A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
3. Old is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
4. Old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
5. Lastly, old is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

My Mom Taught Me….

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mom taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mom taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. Mom taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. She taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY. ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

Health & Exercise

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, on drinks water and is fat. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long and only lives 5 years. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise! I don’t think so. I don’t want to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.

I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

I was eating breakfast with my almost 7-year-old step-Grandson and I asked him, “What day is tomorrow?” Without skipping a beat, he said, “It’s Presidents Day.” He’s smart, so I asked him “What does Presidents Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Obama, Trump, or Bush, etc. He replied, “Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit.” You know, it really hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

Gaseous Eruptus Alibisus

1. Hey, did somebody step on a duck??
2. I’m just tuning up! Any requests?
3. There must be an Arkansas barking spider near by.
4. Phew!! What has the dog been eating?!
5. Good one!! (Look convincingly at the person next to you.)
6. Whoever smelt it, delt it!!

…. Yes my friends, another spell-binding issue of the Drivel is put to bed. “If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”

Drivel Over Coffee is available on the internet at www.drivelovercoffee.com or www.dabailey.com. It can also be found on Facebook (search “drivel over coffee”). If you prefer to receive it via email, send an email to doycebailey@yahoo.com. Of course, it is also available in hard copy for pickup.