“The pleasure of nostalgia is never without its companion, loneliness.” ~Isuna Hasekura
Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee or whatever this is. Remember the Vietnam Veterans tomorrow. 58,000+ gave their all over there, the rest came home only to suffer indignities and realize that their government poisoned their lives spraying Agent Orange on us. Bitter – you bet!
For over a month I have been pursuing a plumber who wants to replace my tub and shower. I have contacted two businesses so far, they have come out to look at the project (took over a week to come out). To date, I have one quote, sort of, and I had to keep calling this outfit to get that. The second one was out a week and half ago. Since that time only crickets. Nothing, nada, zero, ziltch. These two businesses will NOT be getting my business. They obviously do not want my business. I had a third company come out yesterday. We shall see. Urgh!
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day. One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Bertha passed on. A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.” “Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.” “You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.” “I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice. “Bertha! Where are you?” “In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.” “Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.” “That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So, what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
The fun pilots have with the people working at the control tower. You won’t believe the things they talk about that keep them amused throughout their flights.
• From an unknown aircraft waiting in a long takeoff queue: “I’m bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was bored, not stupid!”
• O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
• Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727.”
• A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right, turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
• A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
• In one particularly amusing conversation, a female ground controller screamed at a crew after a departing flight made a wrong turn and almost collided with another plane:
U.S. Air 2771, where the heck are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!
God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?
The crew responded, confirming that they understood the controller’s directions. Just when things calmed down and there was a moment of silence, a pilot broke into the feed and spoke up.
“Wasn’t I married to you once?” he asked.
Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop Update
Spring is finally springing so the men of the Klatch called a meeting at Jimmy’s the other day. It has been a while since we have been to the Grill & Bait Shop. During winter most of us in the Old Farts Coffee Klatch stay hunkered down at home barricaded in our man cave out of the wife’s way. It works sort of. Occasionally I had to come out to restock the frig. in the cave. As luck, would have it, we caught Jimmy there. He looked awful – gaunt, bags under his eyes, slouched over, and it seemed his hair was falling out right in front of us. We invited him to sit and chat a bit. I was sipping on the week old French Roast. It wasn’t that bad with enough cream and sugar added.
Jimmy related how his run to become the mayor was over. A smear campaign erupted. Jimmy was a casualty. Someone dug up some damming video of Jimmy pulling smelly rotting fish from the self-serve solar powered freezer outside and putting them in the display case in the store. He was selling them at a premium price. Presumably to cover the cost of the liability insurance. That video and several unannounced visits by the health department force him out. Jimmy feels that there was a mole in his campaign staff. He or she was feeding juicy tidbits to the press and the competition. It sounded as though Jimmy had spent most of his ill-gotten gains on the campaign.
Mustard, who had been running the store, was put back to part-time. Mustard did not appreciate that one bit. Mustard quit. Mustard’s exit was not without drama. He came into the store one night and trashed the place. He diced some worms and mixed them with the ground beef used for burgers. Cockroaches were put in the meat display cases. Mustard tossed the tables on the patio overlooking the river into the river. He covertly disabled the solar power to the self-serve freezer. All of merchandise – rods, reels, hooks, bobbers etc. were strewn all over the place. He even smashed our personal coffee mugs. Wow, not good.
What happens next is anyone’s guess. I think Jimmy is barely one step ahead of city, county, state and federal officials. He insists that now that the oil pipeline is about to flow, his plan of covertly tapping into it is still a go. You could read dollar signs in his eyes with just a hint of a twinkle. Is his physical condition just a ploy? I will wait and see.
1. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
2. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
3. My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
4. If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need … not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!
5. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
6. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
7. I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
8. I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
9. What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?
10. The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
On a scale of one to ten, how focused are you? Banana.
There was a safety meeting in work today. They asked me, “What steps would you take in the event of a fire?” “REALLY big ones” was the wrong answer.
…. And that, my friends, is yet another issue of the Drivel. Ah, but I was so much older then I’m younger than that now. As I always say “If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”