When I Woke Up #344 2/21/2017

“Did you ever feel like the whole world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?” George Gobel

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. We are here again at Scooters. I still occupy the same booth from which the “Drivel Over Coffee” is conceived, incubated and born into the light of the Iowa sunshine or clouds (depending on the day).

When I Woke Up
I woke up Sunday morning from my dream. I thought I had over slept. Over slept by a couple of months actually. The sun was out, birds chirping, 50 degrees already heading to record highs I am told by the TV. Wow, what is going on? When I went to bed, it was the middle of February. In Iowa we are supposed to have blizzards and be waist deep in snow. The girls basketball tournament is coming up which is always a blizzard trigger. Has hell frozen over? Mother nature, what are you doing to me? Being so stunned with this morning, I went back to bed hoping to wake up in back in February – real time; not somewhere in the future.

The snooze alarm went off so I decided I must get up. I will face the day with courage after a couple of cups of my beloved French Roast. Semi-alert it would appear that my earlier encounter with the weather was actually the real thing and not some warped time travel aberration. My current wife, whom is awake now, assures me this is actually February and it will be around 70 degrees today. Okay, it has been confirmed that I am conscious. I have a blog to write. Time is wasting so clad in my trusty shorts, sneakers and t-shirt (my garb for warm weather) hi ho off to Scooters I go.

Hysteria Lane

So many people at our anniversary open house were so glad to have been able to meet and get to know some of my blog notables. MacBlu was there as was Charles, not his real name. Leonid and his wife, Fluffy and wife Bellsy, Kay and the Hotties of Hysteria Lane. I know I have missed some and for that I apologize. The most sought after and discussed were the Hysteria Lane “Hotties”. They seem to have quite a following.

Hysteria Lane lived up to its reputation once again. A reputation built upon the bizarre and unusual happenings. You may remember me relating how I witnessed a robbery from my computer room window and didn’t even know it until later. Wednesday night past, or maybe Thursday night, my current wife came down the hall from her mom cave screaming “fire truck, fire truck”. Naturally, I didn’t hear the first 4 or 5 yells. Murphy caught on right away. We arrived at the front window about the same time to see a GIGANTIC fire truck outside. It had 5,000 red and blue lights flashing on every side of it. It was parked next to H, the educator’s house.

Now the sight of a fire truck at around 9:40 p.m. is not a usual occurrence on Hysteria Lane for sure. I think the first thing that happens is your senses become super alive. For myself, I was sniffing the air for any trace of smoke. The only thing I came up with was the lingering aroma of fish sticks we had 3 nights ago and the pungent aroma of what I can only imagine was Murphy passing gas. Our eyes met, Murphy’s and mine, yep that was it. I would go berserk if my nose was only 20% as sensitive as his. I was reassured that our home was intact and not the cause of the fire trucks visit. Next, my eyes darted from house to house. All looked in normal; no one seemed to be stirring.

Naturally, we were hiding behind the sheer curtain of our front window. You know we didn’t want to give the appearance of being nosy or for that matter give the appearance that we knew something was going on. H, the educator, across the street called us at that moment. She too was trying to remain invisible to the goings on but was just as curious as us. I answered the phone. “Hello”, I mumbled remembering that you are not supposed to say “yes” on the phone. She opened with “How is it going?” “Okay, I guess and you?” was my reply. “Fine. By the way, did you happen to notice the fire truck outside?” H asked. Not wanting to admit that we were at the front window I said, “Let me take a look. Yep, I see it out there.” It was at this point I realized that Murphy was barking and about to go into orbit. You see he has a thing with trucks. He doesn’t like them. “Any idea what is going on?” H asked. “None”. I said.

Shortly, an ambulance arrived making this look like a medical situation for someone. OMG, the ambulance is in the driveway 2 house down from H. I know this only because there was a small gap between the back of the fire truck and the corner of my garage where I could see a sliver of activity. The fire truck soon packed up and pulled away. The ambulance did likewise. Crisis is over but we still had no idea what happened. Being our bedtime, we just went to bed. Fast forward to Saturday. Murphy and I are out for a walk. It happens the husband at the house of the emergency is outside. I greeted him casually. As tactfully as I could, I asked about the incident by saying, “Hey, did you see the fire truck and ambulance a couple of nights ago? Quite a sight!” He explains that his wife had out-patient knee replacement surgery. Several fainting episodes ensued at home. I would faint too.

Stories of the Aged

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” “Sure.” “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks. “No, I can remember it.” “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?” He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” “I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks. Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where’s my toast?”

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?” “Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can’t cook too well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well, then, is she good in bed?” “I don’t know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “Because she can still drive!”

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,’ answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”

Fifty Years

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we made love together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.” “Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.” “OK”, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?” “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers doing it against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support and aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in… They suddenly erupt into the most furious love making that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming. Finally, they collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic love life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample.”

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbor???”

The old man replies, “Yep, not one of us could get the jar open.”

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm: “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

One more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”

…. And that, my friends, is another issue of the Drivel. As I always say “If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!”