Be My Valentine – Please? #343 2/14/2017

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. – Socrates

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. Winner of the prestigious WGAS (Who Gives A S) award for 2016. We are here again at Scooters. I still occupy the same booth from which the “Drivel Over Coffee” is conceived, incubated and born into the light of the Iowa sunshine or clouds (depending on the day).

In The Mirror

Say a little prayer for our last fifty years. They are in the rear-view mirror now. A simple sentence in the epitaph of our lives. We can not go back to any of those years as today is the first day of the rest of our lives. We push forward through the murky seas of life, with winds at our back billowing the sails our forever craft.

The Golden Anniversary open house on Saturday was hugely awesome. My current wife and I were extremely honored to have so many friends covering the past 50 years join us in reminiscing, renewing, and kibitzing. Just how cool is that anyway? I was a bit dismayed that Jimmy, owner of Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop & Mayoral candidate, could not attend. I tried to visit with as many guests as possible but upon reflection, I simply could not get to everyone. From 1 pm to 4 pm the event was just a blur. I partied my heart out and 4 pm was well past my nap time. When I got home, Murphy wanted to play, I wanted to nap, and my current wife insisted we read all of the cards and notes. Guess who won out. Yep, after the cards and notes, Murphy got plenty of playtime. Naps – not so much.

Our event was organized by our No. 1 daughters, JB & Deb; Sven, the master chef, and Dr. Football, the master arranger, cameraman and organizer. Give them a BIG Shout Out. What an excellent job they did. My current wife’s wedding dress was on display along with a recreation of her bouquet. Deb, the younger elder, created a wonderful scrapbook of 50 years of memories. It was awesome. I understand Dr. Football acquired some new skills by helping create some of these items. We can’t forget the great Dubuque mints made by Sven’s mom. She hand delivered them as well. Thanks a bunch Helen.

Onto Better Things

Marriage is said to be a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband. For instance, when our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, Sue kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, blog, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally, Sue thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Last week, Sue & I had lunch at one of our favorite blue collar haunts to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. Uncharacteristically I had to use the facilities. Down the hallway I went. I gingerly tested the handle to see if it was occupied. It turned freely indicating the men’s room was available for use. This men’s room was the size of handicap stall. In I go. Low and behold staring at me was an older geezer. Startled, I feel a warmth running down my leg. He assured me that my presence was okay; I was not as confident. We danced around each other, him trying to get out, me trying to get to the stool. I blurted out “Happy Valentines Day”. Why? I don’t have a clue. It was the next thing to pop into my mind. After which he is opined about how it was awful when you have to take your false teeth out to eat. He managed to get through the door which I quickly locked to prevent another incident. I cleaned up as best I could. Embarrassed to say the least, I rejoined Sue. She noticed right away that I had had a “problem”. She asked me about the purpose of the trail of toilet tissue which was stuck to my shoe. Be My Valentine?

On the way home, my current wife notices a tear in my eye and asks if I’m getting sentimental because we’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. I replied, “No, I was thinking about the time before our nuptials. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”

Herbie (one of our Coffee Klatch members) came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife, Inez, loved him. Inez was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

…. And that, my friends, is another issue of the Drivel for this week. If I can make at least one-person smile, laugh till they leak, or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!