The Anniversary #342 2/7/2017

Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth.

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. Winner of the prestigious WGAS (Who Gives A S) award for 2016. We are here again at Scooters. I still occupy the same booth from witch the “Drivel Over Coffee” is conceived, incubated and born into the light of the Iowa sunshine or clouds (depending on the day).

Had the 31st anniversary of my 40th birthday last week. All in all a pretty good day for a Wednesday. Family honored the occasion with a nice meal at The White Star Ale House followed by 4-layer chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. Yummo! The family (2 daughters, 2 grandkids and 1 great grandkid) pitched in and gave me a Keurig Coffeemaker for my French Roast brewing. JB, Sven and the B tossed in a 2T external hard drive to satisfy my techie tooth. For my farmer friends I am now in Hog Heaven. Thanks to them for the gifts, dinner, cake and wishes. Oh, and thanks a lot to everyone for their wishes. Greatly appreciated.

The Anniversary

I remember it well. It was Feb. 11, 1967 and I was visibly shaken. How I got here was still concerning to me. Raised on a Central Iowa Farm, attended a small school, played local sports. Pretty typical for a kid with dirt under his fingernails. I went off to a small state college, the first in my family. I lasted 3 semesters until they decided I needed a timeout to refocus my commitment on academics. Remember the draft? I do and it was going to get me so I enlisted in the Air Force. This was a huge change in my life even bigger than college. The gal I met in college decided she would marry me. Here I was home on leave to consummate the deal. I was in a huge church having finished the Wedding Breakfast which I didn’t know there was such a thing. I have donned the wedding togs – white tux, bow tie and glossy shoes. Down the aisle comes this girl I barely recognized; what with the veil, fancy dress and long train. Sweat poured from EVERY pore in my body except my feet which were crammed into the most uncomfortable shoes ever made. The ceremony was at least 3 hours long or so it seemed. Next thing I know someone said “I Do” echoed by another person; you may kiss the bride. Who is this padre talking too? I remember, vaguely, shaking hands, hugging and smiling at people I had no clue who they were. That my friends was how the journey started 50 years ago.

It is finally hitting me that at 71 years old and facing a 50th wedding anniversary that I have reached old fart status. Yep, bald head, big belly, hair growing out the ears and knees popping every time I get up. I don’t want to be an old fart. Emotionally I am stuck in the 60’s. I loved it then – school, college, the relationships, the music, the sights, the experiences, just everything. Should I grow up at some point? I just don’t see a need to evolve into anything else. Oh the memories of back then. Like the Mamas & Papas live at Carnegie Hall in New York City, spending time in Greenwich Village that produced so many singers and songwriters, Saigon and Hawaii. The best of times an the worst of times. What has evolved between then and now, however, is pretty amazing also. We have managed to remain together, have two GREAT girls, a GREAT son-in-law and great-step-grandson. Pretty nice bundle of memories among all things considered. On the one hand 71 and 50 years isn’t so bad but on the other, the 60’s were pretty good too.

My current wife and I have been reminiscing about all the years that have past. It occurred to me during one of our moments that Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married… and she didn’t have to hear about how well his mother cooked.

Do you Benedict?

Sue and I used to frequent the only diner in Walden, New York. It wasn’t particularly good or fancy, but it was 24 hours and always dependable. We stopped in for a brunch one morning and the place is nearly empty. The waitress, Amber, was young and clearly new to serving, but pleasant enough and took our drink orders – no problem.

When she came back to take food orders, Sue asked for a BLT. The waitress asked for her bread preference, and everything is fine. I order eggs Benedict. “How would you like your eggs?” she asked. No biggie, this question is probably habit and she’s just not paying attention. I tell her poached. “Scrambled?” No, I explained, I would like my eggs poached. Benedict. This explanation didn’t help at all. Amber seemed skeptical. “Do you want any cheese on your eggs?” “No,” I told her, “I would like my eggs Benedict. You know poached, on top of an English muffin, with hollandaise sauce. Amber was clearly baffled and also apparently, the only person working the dining room. The hollandaise sauce is the big problem evidently . Amber thought she may have to charge me extra for that. She needed to talk to the cook to make sure they had it. I tried to point out the item on the menu, but she was insistent that she needed to speak with the cook.

At that point, the cook had wandered out from the kitchen to run some food because Amber was completely tied up at our table. Amber walked up to him, clearly flustered, and half-yells, “This son-of-a-b@#&h wants his eggs BENEDICT! Do you do that?” In the end, I just gave up and also ordered a BLT.” That fell on the continuum of my growing dislike of eggs.

The Anniversary Trip

I asked my friend Spud (an Old Farts Coffee Klatch member) about his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary. I asked, “What did you do for your 25th anniversary?” Spud reflected for a moment and said “I took my wife to Hawaii.” I then asked, “What are you thinking about for your 50th?” Spud replied “I’m thinking about going back to get her!” Really not a bad idea Spud.

The Anniversary Decision

A Herbie (another Old Farts Coffee Klatch member) related their 50th anniversary. His story went like this. He and Nancy, his wife, were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary a couple of months ago. Herbie looked at Nancy and asks “what would you like to do for our anniversary?” She replied “we could run upstairs and make love.” Herbie replies, “Make up your mind, we can’t do both.” Ah, old age – you just should embrace it.

You were by my side…

Husband woke up after surgery… He called his wife to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

Can you believe this? Could it only happen in America?

• A jury of her peers awarded a woman from Austin, Texas, USA $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving child was the woman’s own son.
• A 19-year-old youth from Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. The young man apparently didn’t notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
• A thief from Bristol, PA, was leaving a house he had robbed through the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so the robber found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset the thief, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
• A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay a woman from Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because the woman had thrown it at her boyfriend thirty seconds earlier during an argument.
• A woman from Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while she was trying to sneak through the window in the lady’s room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

Asking for a Second Opinion

This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid-air. After an hour, he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: “God, help me! Please, help me!” All of a sudden, the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. “Let Go!” said the voice. The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: “Is there anyone else up there?”

The Pious Man and the Atheist

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.

So, one day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: “Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”

And a great voice was heard from above…“Because he doesn’t bother me all the time!”

At The Bar The Other Night

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

The Love Dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered. “But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed. “This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love Dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. “What are you doing?” He exclaimed. “This is My Love Dress.” She replied. “Needs ironing.” he said.

…. And that, my friends, is another issue of the Drivel for this week. Oh, lastly some Irish Advice – Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an idiot from any direction! If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!