Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered….
“Who ties your shoelaces for you?”
Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. Winner of the prestigious WGAS (Who Gives A S) award for 2016. So glad you could join me today as I am writing from Scooters. Unfortunately, Scooters has purchased Coffeesmiths some time ago. I still occupy the same booth from witch the “Drivel Over Coffee” is conceived, incubated and born into the light of the Iowa sunshine or clouds (depending on the day).
Made In The USA
It has come to my attention as I watch the TV news every night that the Trump economic stimulus has had an almost overnight impact. Take for instance the printing business. Instantly, the printing of fliers, fact sheets, and protest signage has exploded thanks to people protesting this and that. This is not to mention how the convention and visitor bureaus have gigantic smiles what with all of the protesters coming to their cities – spending money on food, lodging and shopping. Certainly the print media as well as the broadcast media are having heydays reporting on everything from the grass growing to a protest in southern Slovenia at the loss of pick-up-stix manufacturing. They are going wild. Things are moving so fast they don’t have time to fact check their stories. Fence manufacturers are giddy with the prospects of miles of fence building also. It’s a great time to be seventy-oneish years old.
February is a month of major observations – take Ground Hogs Day, Valentine’s Day, My Birthday (71) and our 50th wedding anniversary which is coming up. It is Feb. 11 I think at least that is what I have written on my 3×5 index card in my wallet. So, I asked my current wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. I scored some major points with that question. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started….
Hurriedly, I asked her if she had any suggestions for an anniversary gift. This caused Sue to think a while, mostly to cool down from our previous fight I think. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.” Sue was trying to get back at me with my “kitchen” remark. I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started again..
She got so mad at me she packed my bags and told me to get the hell out. As I walked to the door she yelled, “And I hope you die a long , slow, and very painful death.” I turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?” The fight started once again. I may not see 72 at this rate because I have Valentine’s Day, her birthday, and Christmas to get through.
Just a few things that popped into my head this week to ponder. Sipping the French Roast and pondering complement each other. Personally, my French Roast tastes better when I ponder. Conversely, my pondering is much more inspiring with the French Roast. Try it – you may like it. Life is better when sipping French Roast and of course – Living the ’60’s dream.
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. When a clown farts, does it leave a funny smell?
Yvette has returned to the Drivel by managing Jimmy’s run at the Mayoral position in our city. Many of our long time readers will remember Yvette years back when she was the rep for the French Puppy Bidet company in the U.S.A. Yvette is about 5’ 7” tall, long blonde hair, blue eyes, about 120 lbs., mid-thirties I would guess. I didn’t really pay the much attention of course. I was the owner of Grandpaw Bailey’s Doggie Fitness Center and Spa in those days. She and her company installed the Puppy Bidet system in our Spa. The Puppy Bidet allow dogs to enter, find a spot and relieve themselves either #1 or #2 after which they would get a squirt of cleansing water. This was the very first such installation in the USA and she spent a lot of time at our spa. She eventually married one of my other vendors, Billie Bob, owner of Billie Bob’s Sewer Sucking Service. Billie Bob would come in periodically to clean out the septic tank. They met at the spa.
In talking with Yvette at the Jimmy for Mayor launch reception, she filled me in on the happenings of years past. I did likewise. Yvette and Billie Bob piggy-backed their businesses throughout the Midwest. Billie Bob franchised his Sewer Sucking Services in the cities where Yvette had Puppy Bidet installations. They had built a very nice business but tragedy struck three years ago. Billie Bob was cleaning a septic tank in a puppy spa that was unusually rancid. The respirator mask he was wearing malfunctioned. He died quickly having been overcome with the extremely toxic septic tank gasses. Grief stricken, Yvette simply could not face another doggie bidet or septic tank. She got rid of both businesses.
She sued the respirator company naturally receiving a substantial out of court settlement. Alone without children, Yvette did not need to work but had to find something to divert her attention away from her grief. Jimmy, as luck would have it, was a friend of Billie Bob. Billie Bob was at Jimmy’s Grill and Bait Shop frequently emptying the pit under Jimmy’s two-holer. Jimmy would often dispose of rotting fish in the pit. Jimmy extended the offer to manage his campaign to Yvette so she could get lost in the complexities of running a campaign.
I related to Yvette the fate of Grandpaw Bailey’s Doggie Fitness Center and Spa. How I sold it to an elderly lady who molded it into her vision. She called it Mama’s Doggie Fitness Center, Spa & Beauty Salon. Reportedly dogs would occasionally use the shampoo station to relieve themselves. Customers reported being upset when dogs would get out of the pool; walk over to where they were getting their hair done and shake to get the water off. Her vision didn’t work out very well, the service was awful and the clients drifted away. Being a softie I had financed her purchase so when she could not meet the payments I was forced to take it back. I have been trying to restore it to its previous reputation. More on that in future issues.
This ‘n That
• I called an old-school friend on the telephone and asked him what he was doing. He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment.” I was impressed…. On further inquiry, I have learned that he was washing dishes, pots, and pans, with hot water…. under his wife’s supervision.
• The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
• I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor”.
• I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
• What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?
• Two wives go out for girls’ night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, “no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties.” The other husband said, “you think that’s bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, “from all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you!”
Bye Bye Younger Me – As we wave goodbye to our younger years we must also wave goodbye to some of the fads we loved. The following combinations Do Not go together and should be avoided:
• A nose ring and bifocals
• Spiked hair and bald spots
• A pierced tongue and dentures
• Mini-skirts and support hose
• Ankle bracelets and corn pads
• Speedo’s and cellulite
• A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
• Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
• Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
• Bikinis and liver spots
• Short shorts and varicose veins
• In-line skates and a walker
• Thongs and Depends
It has occurred to me, possibly you as well, that men and women are different in just about every way. Can you believe it has only 70+ years for me to realize this? Reflecting on this I began studying to observe men and women in a bunch of situations. Here are a few of examples I observed.
When eating out Mike, Dave and John will call each other Dawg, Oyster and Rooster. When the bill arrives each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will admit they want change back.
Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch. They call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
Shopping is a major difference. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
Now the issue with the bathroom. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. Of which, a man would be able to identify no more than 20 of these items.
Onto the subject of clothing and the manner in which we dress. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the trash, to answer the phone, to read a book, and to get the mail. A man on the other hand will dress up for weddings and funerals only.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Men and women are particularly opposite as it concerns their children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
I have learned that a married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no sense in two people remembering the same thing!
…. And that, my friends, is another issue of the Drivel for this week. Oh, lastly some Irish Advice – Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an idiot from any direction! If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!