This Won’t Happen To Us! #339 – 1/17/2017

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” Haruki Murakami
    Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. Winner of the prestigious WGAS award for 2016. Yes, we just received notification that we are invited to the WGAS (Who Gives A S) awards ceremony being held this year in Pinhook, Iowa at the glizty Whatsup Bar and Convention Room. More later.

Important Facts to Remember
as You Grow Older:

  • Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.

Got diagnosed with HIV this week. How I got it I will never know. Maybe an Agent Orange thing from Vietnam. I didn’t know HIV (Hair Is Vanishing) could be caused by anything other than genetics. Hey, you ancestors upstairs, you’re off the hook on this one.

Little Johnny

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good”, said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines” she said. “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.

Eventually, it was little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.”$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “toothbrushes,” said little Johnny. “Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher. “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town”, said little Johnny. “I set up a dip & chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. “They all said the same thing; “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!” I would say, “It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

“I used a politician’s method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.” Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

BLESS HIS LITTLE HEART!

Vital Records

I have chosen a new cause to pursue. It is one that you wouldn’t run into very often but it is one that is inexcusable. This involves our very essence, our core, our place holder in this world – our birth record. Years ago, these records were held in the county where you were born. Somewhere in an idiot’s wisdom these records were copied to the State of Iowa Vital Records department. This is the “Official” repository of your birth record. Pretty cool, huh? A centralized source for obtaining official records of our birth and etc. There seems to be a small fly in the ointment. Should you be so foolish to think you can get a certified copy of your birth record from your county recorder who also maintain these records you are correct BUT it may not be the same as that State Vital Records department. What you say. How can that be? Do the counties not sync their records with the state? Evidently not so I found out. I explained my trials in an earlier blog.

Am I being too critical? I mean I could have taken my certificate from my county, accepting it as gospel, and set in motion to change all of my records from social security and military to my membership card to my gym. I mean it could have been a huge hassle. Fortunately, I was alert enough to ask how to get the record changed. Only then was I pointed to the Vital Records department. Only then did I find out that there were two records that were different. Had I not asked I would have never found out. Hang on folks, I am on a crusade. More to come.

In Linden, California, a man saw a rabbit scurry into an irrigation pipe. Worried about the animal’s safety, he got two other men to help him lift the 44-foot long pipe and urge the rabbit out. Their kindly behavior wasn’t rewarded, however, while the men were lifting it, the pipe touched a 12,000-volt electrical wire, electrocuting all three of the Good Samaritans.

Ditch New Year’s Resolutions Day

Ahhh New Year’s Resolutions. They’re a great opportunity to really set ourselves up for some magnificent failures and disappointments, amirite? Well, there comes a time when you just have to acknowledge that your New Year’s Resolutions were unreasonable and unrealistic, and that time is a fortnight into the New Year! Rejoice in your new found freedom from torturous diets and horrible exercise regimes, pick up that pack of smokes and down another glass of wine. Ditch New Year’s Resolutions Day sets you free from your first mistakes of the New Year!

Yes, I’m A Senior Citizen!

• I’m the life of the party…..Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
• I’m very good at opening childproof caps….. With a hammer.
• I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
• I’m smiling all the time, because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.
• I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
• I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
• I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
• Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
• Spread the laughter Share the cheer, let’s be happy, While we’re here. MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA AND MAY AMERICA CONTINUE TO THANK GOD!! Go Green – Recycle Congress!!!!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not try to blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT senior citizens who took:
• The melody out of music,
• The pride out of appearance,
• The courtesy out of driving,
• The romance out of love,
• The commitment out of marriage,
• The responsibility out of parenthood,
• The togetherness out of the family,
• The learning out of education,
• The service out of patriotism,
• The Golden Rule from rulers,
• The nativity scene out of cities,
• The civility out of behavior,
• The refinement out of language,
• The dedication out of employment,
• The prudence out of spending,
• The ambition out of achievement or God out of government and school.
• And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!
• And, we DO understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
• Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts, as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as the American Flag passes by in a parade!

Tell Me This Won’t Happen To Us!!

An elderly friend of mine, who will remain anonymous, called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. This is how she told it to me. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said,” Stay calm… An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radios in “Disregard.” He says,” She got in the back-seat by mistake.”

I tried my darnedest but I just couldn’t keep from bursting out laughing right in front of her.

Then there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, living in a house together. Kind of like older “Golden Girls”. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

Three retirees, members of the Coffee Klatch Club at Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.” And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

Did you hear about the little old lady who was running up and down the halls in a nursing home? As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex…” He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me …. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Two other elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. Believe me, they are out there. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

Finally, I was driving down the freeway one day when my car phone rang. Answering, I heard my current wife’s voice urgently warning me, “Doyce, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 380. Please be careful!” “Heck,” I said, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

….And that is the Drivel for this week. I only spilled my coffee twice on my white t-shirt while writing this.

If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!