…And To All A Good Night! #337 – 12/20/2016

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. You are reading a blog that has become a reading must. Loyal readers have become esteemed members of a group who proudly dribble their French Roast down their shirt while Driveling about our fate in life with a touch of opining thrown in. Sometimes our view of life becomes slightly skewed while looking through dog licked glasses. We will be back with you in January 2017.

Santa Stats
• There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle. (You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents).
• December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
• Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
• Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.
• Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
• To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.

Santa’s Bad Day – The Birth of a Tradition
One Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When it was time, he set about harnessing the reindeer, only to find that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence. They were out cavorting, heaven only knows where. More stress. He next began to load the sleigh when one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattering toys everywhere.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum to calm his nerves. He went to the cupboard, only to discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor. There was no way to enhance the cider. Totally frustrated now, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and broke it into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. Now completely dejected, he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?” Thus, began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Heads Up
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the English alphabet? Think about it. Don’t rush your answer. Okay, give up? The Christmas alphabet has noe-l. Yes, I know …. Groan!

15 Reason why You Should Never, Ever Move To Iowa
1. It gets really, REALLY cold.
2. And the humidity is killer.
3. If you enjoy anonymity, forget about it.
4. The wildlife can be…..unpredictable.
5. The beef and pork are good…. a little too good.
6. Comfort food is everywhere!
7. Affordable housing.
8. Incredible sunrises and sunsets.
9. Corny humor.
10. Too many writers.
11. Tornadoes.
12. Thunderstorms that will shake you to your toes.
13. Bugs.
14. It’s normal to buy food from strangers on the side of the road.
15. Too many stars.

The Retired Farmer
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000. So, he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic. This is what happened.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He’s angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once he thinks of a clever plan…
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t. That is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so… Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer.”
As Forest Gump, would say: “Stupid is as stupid does.” It’s all around us.

2016 DARWIN AWARDS
Finally, in the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species’ chances of long-term survival. This is my last “Drivel” for 2016. Some have been waiting for this years’ Darwin Awards with baited breath, so without further ado, here are the 2016 Darwin Awards:

Eighth Place – In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place – A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place -While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place – Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place – Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place – After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION – Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently, they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP – Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…. – Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves… ‘Dung happens’!

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

“It’s not that I can and others can’t, it’s I did and others didn’t.” Remember your Vietnam Veterans – All gave some, some gave all!! Not everyone who lost his life in Vietnam died there, not everyone who came home from Vietnam ever left there.

If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!