Halftime #336 – 12/13/2016

Winter is nature’s way of saying, “Up yours.” ~Robert Byrne

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. You are reading a blog that has become a reading must. Loyal readers have become esteemed members of a group who proudly dribble their French Roast down their shirt while Driveling about our fate in life with a touch of opining thrown in. Sometimes our view of life becomes slightly skewed while looking through dog licked glasses.

Are you ready? Twelve days until the biggest day of the year. From October through December 24th we run around town and on-line feverously looking for items that will bring joy to our loved ones and friends. Christmas Day is the world’s largest swap meet. What is the dollar amount of gifts exchanged in one day? I don’t have a clue myself. Do you? It is a bunch though. Trying to get a grasp at the enormity of this day has worn my brain out so I decided to halt the blog from Dec. 20th until next year. The first issue of 2017 will be on Jan. 10th.

For Christmas, being unhappy with my current wife’s mood swings, I bought her one of those mood rings the other day. I wanted to monitor her moods. I gave the ring to her this past weekend because I just couldn’t wait for Christmas. We’ve discovered that when she is in a good mood, it turns green. That is great. However, when she is in a bad mood, the ring leaves a big red mark on my forehead. Maybe next time I’ll buy her a vacuum instead.

We no sooner hit the pillows when I passed gas and said, “Seven Points.” Sue rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” I replied, “Its fart football.” A few minutes later Sue lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score…” About five minutes later, I let another one go and say, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone she rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on me. I refuse to get beaten by a woman, so I strain real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, I give it everything I’ve got, and accidentally poops in the bed. Sue pipes up and says, “What the hell was that?” I replied, “Half time, switch sides.”

Seeing as how it is now wintertime with snow and cold the daily Iowa experience, I have time on my hands so I can catch up on my reading. I had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.” I stormed into the kitchen and announced to my current wife, Sue, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” Sue replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

Last night much to my surprise my current wife leaned over during half-time of the football game. She whispered, “I want you to whisper dirty things” in my ear. Surprised, I replied with the first things that came to mind. Kitchen, living room, bathroom. I don’t remember the second half of the game.

Big news; worm composting comes to Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop. In a press release issued 12/9/2016, Jimmy Fishbag, owner of Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop announced the first Worm Composting site on the Cedar River. With the continuing problems of the pipeline curtailing Jimmy’s new product release, he realized that a different direction was necessary to expand his revenue stream. Worm composting seemed particularly suited to his business and relatively easy to get started. Rotten fish, bait, and food scraps are a major pollution problem. But the biggest attraction for Jimmy was that he could get around $400.00 a pound for the worm compost. He doesn’t want to keep dumping it in the river and he doesn’t want to keep piling it up next to the self-service fish locker. That attracts all kinds of undesirable vermin. Plus, it is not conducive for customers to serve themselves back there. He is hoping the composting will not have the odor plus he is hoping that the worms don’t somehow get into the self-service fish locker.

The next day, Jimmy got several composting bins, newspaper, gathered a bunch of leaves and hired some high school kids to dig up night crawlers. Someone told him about 2,000 per lb. of food scraps. Jimmy, wants to only go first class, had them gather 10,000 of the earthworms. Off he went composting. Earthworms everywhere. Nothing seemed to be happening so he did some Google research. Wrong worms! He needed the red wigglers not earthworms. He ordered 2 – 5000 Red Composting Worm Mixes at $99.95 each from www.unclejimswormfarm.com (no relation). He talked Uncle Jim into throwing in a t-shirt for free. Now Jimmy is just waiting for the worms to show up so he can get this money mill in operation. Meanwhile, garbage is accruing.

Here is some advice to all new homeowners out there: Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

“It’s not that I can and others can’t, it’s I did and others didn’t.” Remember your Vietnam Veterans – All gave some, some gave all!! Not everyone who lost his life in Vietnam died there, not everyone who came home from Vietnam ever left there.

If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!