Odds & Ends #330 – 11/1/2016

“Life’s tragedy is we get old too soon and wise too late. Benjamin Franklin

Welcome to Drivel Over Coffee. You are an esteemed member of a group who proudly dribble our French Roast down our shirt while Driveling about our fate in life. Sometimes our view of life becomes slightly skewed while looking through dog licked glasses.

A little bit about several things. Kids, it is ten o’clock, where are your parents?

Last week or the week before, I can’t remember, my current wife was at the hospital for a test. While I waited for her in the waiting room, I observed a couple of strange things that I commented on last week. I forgot, conveniently probably, that I got kicked out of the hospital. I was allowed to wait for my spouse but they assigned a guard to shadow me until she was released. It happened rather innocently on my part. Having gotten bored listening to the hyjenks in the waiting room, I got up and paced up and down the hallways. I noticed a sign on the wall. That was what caused my problem. Apparently the sign “Stroke patients here” meant something completely different. I can only hope that I don’t get ill because both hospitals have closed their doors to me.

I had a doctors appointment myself last week. I was very nervous about this one. I was concerned it could be a big problem at my age. I explained my problem to the nurse. “Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “Okay then,” I said, and I proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at my part, she composed herself as well as she could. “I am so sorry,” she said… “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady. I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?” “It’s swollen,” I replied. She ran out of the room. Note to self, find another doctor.

Nora Bone was delivering a new plastic skeleton to the doctor’s office. As she waited at the main desk Nora was aware that the waiting room full of patients was staring at her. So she smiled and said,” I am bringing him in to doctor Henderson.”

An old lady said sympathetically, “My dear! Isn’t it a bit late for the doctor?”

That’s enough of my experience with the medical community. Our gym had a customer appreciation day last Friday. Sue convinced me to go although I haven’t been there for some time. I have many loyal blog readers there so kind of felt obligated. Plus, Sue lured me there telling me of all the great food they had. She exaggerated a bit on the food. It was all healthy fodder. I had a quarter of a sandwich with one deli slice of ham, pineapple, lettuce, and some unknown kind of sauce. I also had a bit of lettuce and some fruit. The promised mac and cheese turned out to be corn. It was fun chatting with old friends. I noted quite a few young well muscled types lingering around a big drink tank that I think was something other than water, energy drink, or tea. It was a good time, good crowd, and good food. Ok, I know I was just complaining but it really was good edsc_0002ats. The gym went to great lengths for its members. Someone asked, “How’s the diet going?” “Not good.” I replied, “I had eggs for breakfast.” “Scrambled?” they asked. “No…. Cadbury’s”.

Late afternoon last Sunday was the annual Trunk or Treat event at our church. If you are unfamiliar with these, I will explain. Church members park their cars in roughly a horseshoe with their trunks facing inward. Each trunk is opened and decorated as desired, some more, some less so. Many members dress up also. Each car is a candy/treat station. Kids come stop at each car and receive candy and friendly banter. I was babysitting Kinnick, a 11 year old yellow lab. I decided Kinnick and Murphy should experience this event. They had costumes to wear. Kinnick was a devil and Murphy was a bumble bee. Once we were settled and costumes on, we took a stroll around looking at the other cars then it was back to my car. The boysdsc_0008 had had enough of the costumes by that time and off they came. I was really proud of these two boys. Kinnick and Murphy sat in the trunk and greeted the kids, giving an occasional lick to those who wanted one.

Speaking of Murphy, I uncovered the Boston Terrier Property Laws. I thought I should share.

If I like it, it’s mine.
If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must never be yours.
If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
If I saw it first, it’s mine.
If you are playing with something else and put it down, it’s mine.
If I am chewing something up, all of the pieces are mine.
If it used to be yours, get over it.
If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Halloween was last night and the weather was fantastic to be dressed up. So often in Iowa the costume is under your winter coat. Kids shiver and shake going from house to house. We have been at this location since 1976. Those early years the neighborhood was full of kiddoes. We would have 200 or so stop by for candy and treats. These days we are lucky to have 25. Thus it isn’t a huge event anymore.

We can trace Halloween back to Celtic festivals which celebrated the New Year on the 1st of November (not 1st of January). One thread that runs through all Halloween legends is the belief that the night of October 31st was the time when ghosts of the dead returned to earth. The ancients name for this festival Samhain and its role was to mark the boundary between the old year and new.

With the spread of Christianity, the Church emphasized All Saints day on the 1st of November. This date was also known as All Hallows and gradually, the name for the night before All Hallows changed to hallow’s eve, then hallow e’en and finally Halloween.

Spud (a member of our Coffee Klatch) told me a story about his friends Sean and Wayne. Seems as though they were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. When they were right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Catching their breath and trembling with fear, they slowly walked toward the sound and found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy Cow, Mister,” said Sean, his voice quivering, “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What on earth are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools,” the old chiseller grumbled, “they’ve misspelled my name.”

We are beginning to think about Thanksgiving already. Halloween has just past. Many kids will be waking up with tummy aches probably. On Thursday last week, I went to the grocery store looking to get the prized turkey before they were gone. Aw, there they are ahead and not too many people around. I pulled out my 9mm revolver and shot my first turkey … Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!! That is another establishment that I am not permitted back into. You know, as I think about it, there are not a whole lot of businesses that appreciate my business anymore.

Take Walmart for instance. I must travel to Iowa City in order shop at Walmart. The ones in Cedar Rapids and Marion have my picture posted and every greeter has been instructed to not allow me to enter. They didn’t take kindly to the time I hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME! “PICK ME!” Or the time I set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. What seemed to throw Walmart over the edge was when a woman with six screaming kids complained that I had dropped condoms in her cart with a note reading “You’re Welcome!!! I thought it was my good deed for the day.

14595547_1277671868958609_3781161848734241964_nWe all get tired of these lists of one thing or another but I couldn’t resist sharing the Farters Alibis.

  1. Hey! Did somebody step on a duck??
    I’m just tuning up! Any requests?
    There must be an Arkansas barking
    spide near by.
    Phew!! What has the dog been
    eating?!
    Good one!! (Look convincingly at
    person next to you)
    Whoever smelt it, delt it!!
    It was the vinyl cushion.

There are two types of people in the world: people who pee in the shower and liars.

A MAN WITH A PLAN. A guy I know took down his Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off his front window. He disconnected his home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. He bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then he purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole. Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other agencies are all watching his house 24/7. He has NEVER felt safer and he is saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge him.

Plus, he bought burkas to wear when he shops or travels. Everyone moves out of the way and security can’t pat him down. If they say he is a male wearing a burka, he just says I’m feeling like a woman today. Hot Damn…Safe at last. Is this administration great or what?

“It’s not that I can and others can’t, it’s I did and others didn’t.”

Remember your Vietnam Veterans – All gave some, some gave all!! If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted.

Until we meet again -TA!