In life we do things, some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads, but they all make us who we are, and in the end they shape every detail about us if we were to reverse any of them we wouldn’t be the person we are so just live. Make mistakes, have wonderful memories, but never ever second guess who you are, where you have been and most importantly where it is you’re going.
Welcome everyone to Drivel Over Coffee, the blog infused with the earthy aroma of French Roast Coffee with a dose of rant mixed in on occasion. My blog is my take on “Life As Seen Through Dog Licked Glasses.” It is my pleasure to attempt to edify you in the ways of a somewhat left of center forever 60’s person.
Age 70, oh my. I wish I knew how to be 70. Yesterday while sitting at my computer in my computer room, I caught myself staring out the window. Well, not actually out the window. More precisely I was staring at the window screen. I caught myself counting the squares of the screen. After getting to over 300 hundred I decided this was simply folly. I then counted only the squares in a one-inch area. Focusing on this one-inch square I began wondering just how a window screen is made. As nearly as I could tell each square was identical. Oh for sure it was machine made, probably in China. Why squares? Why not circles, rectangles, polygons, octagons or whatever? I have no answers.
So I got my concealed gun permit a while back…. And went over to the local Gander Mountain store to get a small 9mm pistol for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided. I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader! I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don’t think I looked that bad.
I cleaned her house, ran a nice bubble bath, poured her a glass of wine, and had dinner waiting when she got home…. And she called the cops. Meeting new people is so hard.
I had coffee with Herbie at Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop last Thursday. It was nice to have a one on one with him for a change. We are usually in a group so don’t get to just chit chat much. The dust is settling around Jimmy’s for the time being. Thankfully. My cinnamon roll didn’t have too much dust on it this time.
I was telling Herbie about my latest visit to the VA. I went to the VA clinic for a check-up last week. “Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” I said, and proceeded to drop my trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at my part, she composed herself as well as she could. “I am so sorry,” she said… “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?” “It’s swollen,” I replied. She ran out of the room.
I looked up, my face a little red, to see Herbie picking himself up off the floor. Apparently, he had the same reaction as the nurse. Sadly, I got diagnosed with CRS (Can’t Remember Shit).
Herbie got my dander up a bit. I gave him my opinions about doctors, nurses, hospitals, insurance and everything medical. I related my current wife’s recent experience with her knee. She called her family doctor knowing she would need a referral to someone who may really be able to determine the problem. She has been hobbling with a real problem getting up from a chair. The scheduler person told her that it would be 2 weeks before she could be into to see her family doctor for 10 minutes to get a referral. Shoot they could email a referral for all the doctor was going to do. Why this knee wasn’t checked during her annual physical a month ago cannot be determined. This is a recurring problem you see. Apparently, the family doctor must get another fee. Gotta maintain the money stream.
As I am ranting and ranting, Herbie is squirming in his chair. The longer I go the more pronounced the squirming got. I next noticed his face getting as red as a beet. A little voice in the back of my head suggested that I should back down a bit. Herbie erupts finally. He really tears into me for putting down the medical profession. On and on he goes. The cause of his ire became clear when he reminded me that Ruth, his wife’s brother, is a Proctologist. I blasted back that they are always up to something. A Proctologist is the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there. Next I broke out singing “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey….” That was the end of the “chit chat”.
My current wife, Sue, being the romantic sort, sent me a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
Me, typically a non-romantic person, replied: “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
Sign on the rear of a horse trailer – “Caution, floor covered with political promises.”
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented…I forgot where I was going with this. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it is the best ten minutes before the alarm goes off. BTW – When a clown (pardon the blunt language) farts, does it leave a funny smell?
50 THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW (or 50 Completely Useless Facts!)
• The word “queue” is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
• Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.
• Of all the words in the English language, the word ‘set’ has the most definitions!
• What is called a “French kiss” in the English speaking world is known as an “English kiss” in France.
• “Almost” is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
• “Rhythm” is the longest English word without a vowel.
• In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child
• A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!
• Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
• You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath
• There is a city called Rome on every continent.
• It’s against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!
• Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!
• Horatio Nelson, one of England’s most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.
• The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London
• Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people
• Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!
• The elephant is the only mammal that can’t jump!
• One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!
• Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different!
• The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man
• Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!
• Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!
• The present population of 7 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080. Of the 7 billion people in this world, I like 6 of you.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.
• Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.
• Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a “Friday the 13th.”
• Coca-Cola would be green if coloring weren’t added to it.
• On average a hedgehog’s heart beats 300 times a minute.
• More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.
• The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.
• More people are allergic to cow’s milk than any other food.
• Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
• The placement of a donkey’s eyes in its’ heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!
• The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
CONCLUSION – Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
“It’s not that I can and others can’t, it’s I did and others didn’t.” Remember your Vietnam Veterans – All gave some, some gave all!! Bless you brothers! If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!