Hot August Nights #320 – 8/23/2016

“Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Welcome everyone to Drivel Over Coffee, the blog; the musings, the memories and the whatnot infused with the earthy aroma of French Roast Coffee with a dose of rant mixed in on occasion. My blog is my take on “Life As Seen Through Dog Licked Glasses.”

Hysteria Lane is a lovely street mostly. I have lived on it for most of it’s existence. I have seen and lived the evolution of our street. Block parties early on, fires, medical emergencies. I have seen all of the kids that swarmed around grow up and have their own families. Clustered here and there are retirees. You know of the Hotties of Hysteria Lane as I have referenced them from time to time. I suppose it was inevitable, but I never thought it would actually happen, that our Lane would inherit a sexual predator. Yep, we got one. Our Hotties have to be careful now that an exposure artist is lurking.

Here we are in August. The Iowa State Fair is in full swing. Politicians are hovering around. The days and nights for that matter are steamy – hot & humid. Prime sunbathing weather. Our Hotties on Hysteria Lane have to be vigilant now when sunbathing. I don’t sunbath myself. Experience has shown that I end up looking like a charred Pillsbury Doughboy. Not a pleasant sight. I tried to improve my Doughboy body by wearing a pair of Spandex leggings, then another pair, then a pair of Spandex shorts.

Finally, I went with a full Spandex body suit. I pulled and tugged to reach optimum figure. I sat down. POP!!!! I blew a hole in the body suit on the left side of the stomach area. It looks like a big hernia or goiter or whatever. I pushed, prodded, shoved to try to get it back in. Nothing worked. So I got one of those camisoles thingies. Yippie, that worked until I sat down again. The bottom rolled up like a new poster settling in a roll of belly fat. Now I have so many layers of Spandex on I move like the kid in Christmas Story. Fate has me earmarked to forever be a Doughboy.

Musings – Isn’t life strange? I never met one Veteran who enlisted to fight for Socialism!!!14

I watched the Food Network once. I made a pureed nut spread w/ a grape relish reduction paired w/brioche bun. Not to sound immodest or anything, but I’ve got mad skills in the culinary department. I make this delectable dish at least three times a week. Now, now, don’t be jealous. With time, patience, and dedication, you too can learn to create such a complex and elaborate meal.

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog. What’s really exciting is when you have TWO two-second dogs, only neither one has decent aim so the delectable morsel they’re after must be chased violently across the floor while they’re both frantically snapping at it — although snapping isn’t exactly an apt description because neither dog has their front teeth — so instead they’re sort of just gumming it wildly across the room in a chaotic circle of scrabbling claws and legs that can’t stay upright while also gnashing at each other in an attempt to gain leverage over the stray pea or carrot or whatever it is that, once caught, the winner will quickly realize: ewww…this isn’t something I like, what the hell is wrong with this human, and spit it right back out…only for the other one to seize upon it in victory and come to the same conclusion. It’s quite the commotion, I must say. Dinner AND a show. You’re welcome to come and see it any time.

I didn’t want my family to judge me so I walked past them with 2 cookies on my plate and 4 in my pockets.

13015158_1349516748398519_5768242726744551147_nCommon Sense Advice to Make Life Easier…You know the biggest lie I tell myself is… “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.” I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my current wife took it! Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. The current wife says my people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs working on. I have found even duct tape can’t fix stupid… but it can muffle the sound! The question of the day is why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

After two weeks of constant Olympic this and that, I am starting to feel a glimmer of desire in my belly to compete again. Okay, I am thinking I need a game plan so I do some research on the geriatric Olympics. Being 70, I didn’t think there was any hope in hell that I could make the USA Olympic Team unless they have recliner sitting or something. But I found out that yes Ruth there is Geriatric Olympics. I need to qualify at the state level in order to compete at the national games.

You must pick your state level event carefully because they don’t match the national exactly. For instance in Iowa, cow chip tossing is not a national level event. The hammer throw or possibly the discus would come the closest. It is a little tricky getting into training and on the right schedule. The Iowa games are the first part of June as are the National Summer games. Nationals are biennial so it looks as though I will need to quality in 2017 to be eligible for the 2019 Nationals. Shoot I may not make it to 2019. I think I will focus on either shuffleboard or pickle ball. Cripes, this is so confusing. What was it I was talking about?

Memories – I lamented to our marriage counselor “Whenever we quarrel, my wife get historical.” “You mean hysterical.” The counselor said. “No, historical!” I replied. “She always starts digging up the past!”

There I was laying in the grass, face up, watching the clouds passing by. I could see them shaped as various animals at times. I was always amazed at how they continually changed shapes. Laying there I was reminded as a kid, I would do this all the time. A cool way to pass time on the farm. The clouds came and went, changing size, shape and color sometimes. It was as peaceful a way to spend time as a kid. No worries, no problems, no responsibilities – peaceful and carefree as can be.

What was I doing laying on the ground at the age of 70? I am not as agile as I once was you see. Walking in the backyard, I stumbled over what I imagine was a HUGE chunk of sod. I tripped, stumbled, pirouetted, and lurched from foot to foot across the yard before submitting to the inevitable – falling down. First, I checked the body parts for attachment and movement. Next, and more importantly, I looked around for Murphy droppings. Good, I landed in a dropping free spot. While down here I decided I might as well watch the clouds for a while. Besides I had no idea how I was going to get on my feet again.

It was very serene laying there watching the clouds and thinking back to my childhood where I was doing the same thing. I must have dozed off for a while as the next thing I remember is sensing the presence of somebody or thing near to me. Cautiously I opened my eyes to be staring at the underbelly of one Boston Terrier named Murphy with a rear leg raised. OH NO!!! Then it happened- rain?

What-Nots – Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children.

I put up a hummingbird feeding station near our dining room window a couple months ago. Three weeks ago I saw my very first hummingbird getting refilled at my station. I had never saw one before. Those little guys wear me out just watching them. Two days ago I set out to refill their drinking station. I pulled out this huge bottle of concentrate, mix it per the instructions and rehang it. When I came in, I realize that I had forgotten to put the bottle away. The cap to the bottle was not on the bottle. Looking around, I can’t find the cap. I looked everywhere within the area to no avail. During this process, I hadn’t moved so the cap should be right here. Multiple searches have been conducting by both my current wife and myself. Still no cap. I have inspected the sink drain, the floor, the coffee maker. Nothing! Did I go through some type of time warp?

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountain image21pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out of the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know anything about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.” “Now give me back my dog.” AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

I was late paying a bill and received another past due notice. It read “Your account has been on our books for over a year. We just wanted to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did.”

Looking confused, a boy asked his father, “Daddy, are you still growing!” “I don’t believe so,” the father replied. “Why?” “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

“It’s not that I can and others can’t, it’s I did and others didn’t.” Remember your Vietnam Veterans – All gave some, some gave all!! If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!12316471_1049842561744318_8966572603919782625_n