To a father growing old nothing is dearer than his daughters.
Welcome everyone to Drivel Over Coffee, the blog; musings, memories and whatnot infused with the earthy aroma of French Roast Coffee with a dose of rant mixed in on occasion. My blog is my take on “Life As Seen Through Dog Licked Glasses.”
You know it’s going to be a bad day when:
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You see a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You went to put on the clothes you wore home from last night’s party – and there aren’t any!
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
You wake up – to discover your waterbed broke. Then you realize you don’t have a waterbed.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stick as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache!
Have a nice day!!!
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” And that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”!
Most of you know that I have been in therapy for years. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
A letter from my mom to me.
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive……I think. I’m writing this letter very slowly because I know you cannot read very fast or for that matter do anything else very fast, except get tired. You won’t know the house when you get home….. We moved. You won’t be able to get home from where you live. You’ll have to go somewhere else.
About your father or who I think is your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 9,641 people under him and gets along perfectly with all of them. He is cutting grass in a cemetery. A fringe benefit of the job is that he is allowed to smoke some of the grass. Your father is very happy on his job, although he occasionally mows over a few tombstones when he gets singing and laughing so hard. There was a new washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but like you, it doesn’t work too good. Yesterday I put 14 shirts in it, pulled the chain and I haven’t seen the shirts since. Read in the paper someone caught a carp that had a shirt on it.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t heard if it is a girl, a boy or an it, so I don’t know if you are an Uncle, an Aunt or an it. Your Uncle Dick drowned in a vat of whiskey in a Kansas City distillery. His fellow workers dove in to save him, but he bravely fought them all off. We cremated his body and it took three days to put out the fire.
Your father didn’t have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his beer. It kept him going until New Year’s Day. I went to the Doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The Doctor put a tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for an hour. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. First for three days and then for four days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four time. The fourth time through the front end. We had a letter from the undertaker yesterday. He said if the last installment on your Grandmother’s funeral is not paid within 10 days….up she goes.
Your Loving Mother.
P.S. I was going to send you$100, but I have already sealed the envelope.
Memories – For umpteen years I have had two pieces of a set of three. It has bothered me from time to time wondering where the third piece was. Was it in good condition? Had it been broken? Would I ever find it? This set was a cherished treasure having been in the family for a long time so an incomplete set was bothersome. This past week I was rumbling through a bunch of stuff in the basement. I get a hair once in a while to unearth some of our “collectibles” and sell them off. This was one of those hairs. Working under the basement stair steps I rifled one box then another. Way back under the farthest step was a smallish box that had not seen the light of day in 30+ years. I didn’t have a clue what was in it. With eager anticipation of finding a forgotten cache of wealth, trembling fingers open up the box. Inside amongst mundane items, I found IT. I had not seen IT in 52 years. I had searched off and on over the years but to no avail. I could only imagine where IT was or what had happened to IT.
Things get lost over time, especially when going off to college, then into the service moving from place to place and fighting a war. Finally, IT has been found and firmly in my possession. I now have the complete set of three.
Surely, you have had an experience that filled your heart with so much happiness that you couldn’t find a suitable word to express the enormity of your feelings? I have had a couple experiences but nothing of this magnitude. I have filled the triad finally. I can rest easy now, phew!
Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop update. Spud and I met out at Jimmy’s the other day to catch up on things and basically to snoop around to see how Jimmy was getting along with the various regulatory agencies. Very first thing we noticed was Mustard was running the show. Jimmy was nowhere to be seen. Spud and I found our favorite table near the bait display. “What can I get you to drink?” Mustard asked. “A Diet Coke, please,” I said. “Me, too,” Spud added. “And make sure I get a clean glass.” A couple of minutes later, Mustard came back with the drinks and asked, “Now which one wanted the clean glass?” I guess nothing has changed too much. I did check my glass. It was relatively clean. Spud casually asked Mustard where Jimmy was. Mustard replied that he hadn’t seen Jimmy since lastThursday. He said the DNR, OSHA, Health Depts. and Homeland Security had a big meeting up on the patio. Right after they left, Jimmy left and hasn’t been back. Spud and I looked at each other with that look of “yep, he’s gone into hiding.” What the next move will be is anyone’s guess.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and had a small American flags mounted on both sides of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.” Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”
On the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart. A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, “Hey, are you okay?” “I’m fine, thanks,” he replied. “You look frazzled,” the woman said, “come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards.” “That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like that.” “Oh come on,” the woman insisted. I can see you’ve cut your head, it could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I’m a nurse.” “Well okay,” he agreed, but added, “but my wife won’t like it.”
After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close as she did so. Finally he confess. “I feel a lot better now, and I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me for being here with you.” “Don’t be silly, the woman said with a smile, “she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?” “Under the cart,” he replied.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
SENIOR’S QUIZ -Great mental exercise for us aging folks. Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hillary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5 didn’t you? You know all the criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope?? Lovely, just friggin’ lovely!
“It’s not that I can and others can’t, it’s I did and others didn’t.” Remember your Vietnam Veterans – All gave some, some gave all!! If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!