The Move – Phase 1 #316 –7/19/2016

“In all human affairs there are efforts, and there are results, and the strength of effort is the measure of the results.” James Allen

Welcome everyone to Drivel Over Coffee, the blog; musings, memories and whatnot infused with the earthy aroma of French Roast Coffee with a dose of rant mixed in on occasion.

Step one began last weekend of the migration of Sven and Jenny, the elder’s migration to their new home which is being built. No one could have predicted their home would sell in one day so they have secured temporary lodging for a few months. These two are so well organized seemingly with every detail accounted for. So impressed with them. Thankfully at my age I have been relegated to being a door opener/closer. This job has been too long in coming.

I wanted to express my sorrow to the families that have been victims of terrorists and terrorist wanna-bes. I believe the decay of our society’s mores has to be blamed on my generation. It would seem that collectively we have not instilled morals, common sense, work ethic, and love of country in our off-spring. It baffles me how this gets rectified.

Musings – We (Sue & I) were sitting having breakfast the other morning with a friend who had come up from down home to visit. I mentioned that if they had heard twenty minutes of moaning coming from my bedroom this morning it was just me trying to stand up.

I am not addicted to coffee. We are just in a committed relationship.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

Confucius says:

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Yep Confucius said that reportedly. Don’t know how he knew about airports or turnstiles.

CRSMy current wife phoned her doctor’s office last week. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “That the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before Sue replied. ”I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked “No Refills”.

I was shopping at the Wal-Mart the other day. I was pushing my cart down the aisle not paying much attention when I ran into this young guy going the other way. I said, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife too. I can’t find her and I’m getting desperate. I offered to help and asked, “Well, what does she look like?” The young guy says, “She is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?” To which I said, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

Well, it hit the fan at Jimmy’s last week according to Charles, not his real name. Charles gave me a call last night to fill me in. First morning back from a 2-day trip promoting Jimmy’s soon-to-be available sauces and flavorings to a couple of Iowa grocery chains, he arrived at the grill only find the lot full of DNR pickups. All sorts of thoughts ran rampant through his mind from: “They never met here for breakfast before. I’m honored.”; “Maybe they want me to sell goose meat under my specialty meats label.”: “Perhaps they’re here to sample my new addition to the beer menu, Pig’s Eye, made to satisfy one of the health dept.’s complaints.”; “They chose me to be the first guest on Northwood’s Law-Iowa.”; or “I hope Mustard didn’t get caught trapping or shooting after sunset and during closed seasons again to keep the specialty meats coolers full. I keep telling him-road kill only.” Wrong on all counts. The Possum River, to which Jimmy recently connected his new sewer line, thinking that would solve another health dept. complaint, feeds a lake several miles downstream. Jimmy and many of his friends are members of the lodge on the lake, Jimmy seldom attends the meetings as he needs to devote much of his time to the business especially now that every local, state and federal agency is looking at him. Remember, Asst. Mgr. Mustard is a brick shy of a load. Anyway, member Fluffy, who fishes the lake 5 days a week, noted that the fish were suddenly beginning to smell like beer, bacon, and Capt. Morgan, and growing odd appendages.

Weeks after installing the sewer line, Bellsy’s (Fluffy’s wife) afternoon sewing circle had met for coffee on Jimmy’s cliff-side patio, below which the new sewer line connects to the Possum River. Yes, Jimmy does offer what he calls coffee. The entire group passed out. Mustard stated that he was re-stocking the specialty meats cooler and saw nothing. Fortunately, the engineer of a passing freight train, knowing of Jimmy’s reputation for bad beer, called 911. Bottom line, EMT’s called the health dept., the health dept. called the DNR in turn. All converging upon Jimmy’s just as he returned. The DNR quickly identified the source of the new breed of fish. Gone is the sewer line to the Possum, Jimmy’s kitchen now temporarily drains into a large rented liquid fertilizer tank, and the “restrooms” are closed. In order to stay open until he can correct the new code violation(s), Jimmy did spring for a couple of port-a-potties. As their baby blue color clashes with the rest of the property’s ambiance, don’t you just love that word, he put them way out back behind the self-serve meat cooler. He was able to add a power strip to the extension cord serving the cooler, and put droplights in the potties for late night users. Charles said Danno once again stepped up for his buddy provided all materials at 11% off. (As always, Jimmy kept the sales slip for return when no longer needed).

So now according to Charles, Jimmy is mulling over possible fixes to his latest violation and how to pay for them. Asking again for TIF $$$ likely won’t fly. Obviously he’s leaning towards the cheapest fix and one he can make himself. For now, let’s just say the pipeline should be operational before the port-a-potties freeze over. He just has to be sure the “fix” is down-line from the sauce tap. I told Charles that it sounded as though Jimmy is going to attach the sewer to the pipeline. Charles did not respond. Hmmm, the travails of Jimmy’s Grill and Bait shop continue.

Memories – You may have noticed that often times my memories involve a situation(s) where I have caused severe premature aging of my parents. I am reflecting upon those times and two of my more notable farming oops moments have come to mind. The back story is that my dad took up barbering. He had his own shop and everything. He farmed part-time, counting on me and my older brother to help out. I was cool with that but disaster like my shadow followed me everywhere I went. One spring I was getting the ground ready for planting. On the back 40, I was disking the ground. I was pulling a 22 foot disk which made a pretty good swath.

There was one spot which always stayed wetter than the rest of the field. I 332021knew this and was careful. It had been a good number of days since it had rained. I had nibbled around the edges of this area and it seemed perfectly dry. Here I go, full throttle, through the heart of the wet spot. Faster than you can “Aw Shucks” the tractor sank down to its axles. Unbelievable! My best efforts of get it out of the mud failed. Once again, I am walking across the fields toward the farm house going over my story. Mom sees me coming and has a cold drink waiting and sits to hear my tale. My dad just shrugged wondering how much this would cost him. It took two tractors and a caterpillar hooked together to get it out.

large-1300676340-IMG_1478.JPGThe second time was similar but different. Again in the back 40 I was cultivating the corn. I was going really good and was about done. I was using a Minneapolis Moline “U” with a front mounted 4 row cultivator. On the left and right sides, the halves of the cultivator were mounted to the tractor with a one-inch diameter pin. I got to the end of the row, pushed the lever to raise it out of the ground. This was when I noticed the left side was not raising normally and was askew. Upon inspection I could see that this pin had worked its way out, leaving that side basically dangling by a brace. Five minutes of cursing and kicking dirt did not solve the problem. I found the pin but there was no way I could re-attach it by myself. Once again that lonely walk across the fields to the farm house. Yes, and once again mom had a cool drink and sympathetic ear waiting for me.

More than likely these episodes and many others formed my parent’s belief that I should pursue a career other than farming. I do miss operating the tractors and equipment, the feel and smell of the fresh dirt, and the way of life that farming represented in those days.

When I turned sixteen and had passed my driver’s license test, I asked my dad when we could discuss the use of my car. What are the rules, expectations and such. My dad told me that if I bring my grades up from a “C” to a “B” average, study the Bible a little and get a haircut, we will talk about usage of the car. Being desperate to get to use my car, I agreed to the terms. Two long months later my dad said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I have seen you studying the Bible, but I’m disappointed that you haven’t gotten your haircut.” Not intimidated I said, “Dad, I’ve been thinking, I’ve notied in my studies of the Bible, Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there there is even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” My Dad’s classic reply, “Did you notice that they all walked everywhere they went?” I got my haircut the next day.

Whatnots- I thought I was pretty cool until I realized that plants can eat the sun and poop out air.

Over the past 70 years, there have been more changes in our way of life than at any other time in history. This has caused quite a generation gap. Here are a few of those changes:

Fuzz was a substance, real fluffy, like lint.
Inflation was something to do with a balloon.
A Saturday Night Special was a double dip chocolate soda.
Freeze-dried meant the family laundry had hung all day on the clothesline
A Big Mack was a truck.
A drug problem was trying to get a prescription filled on Sunday.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Remember your Vietnam Veterans – All gave some, some gave all!! If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!