Independence Day #314 –7/5/2016

“I have never believed there was one code of morality for a public and another for a private man.” Thomas Jefferson

 Welcome everyone to Drivel Over Coffee, the blog; musings, memories and whatnot infused with the earthy aroma of French Roast Coffee with a dose of rant mixed in on occasion. My look upon life as seen through dog-licked glasses.

Happy 4th of July. Our day to celebrate our independence from Britain only to fall into the heavy hand of a bloated and overpowered Federal Government. A government where it takes a year or more to just determine if someone has broken laws of our land. Once found the government 12507445_1070039956391245_3967053316174076115_nwill refuse to punish them for their transgressions.
Musings – An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him; “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?” “Well, let me have the bad news first.” I said. The doctor says, “You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.” “Oh no!” I said, “That’s just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?” My doctor says, “You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.”

Three retirees, Ike, Mike and Mustard, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. Mike remarked to Ike, “Windy, ain’t it?” “No, Ike replied, “It’s Thursday.” And Mustard chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a coke.”

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty food, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?” “Twenty-six,” he said.

I got a birthday card from the funeral home a while ago… I wasn’t impressed. They only want me for my body!

I have an appointment with my financial advisor next week. Anticipating the discussion on my investments and if we should change strategies, I ran across this report on the internet. If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401- Keg plan.

And, as a bonus… a recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol per year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Memories – Aw, the 4th of July. Probably my Grandpa’s favorite holiday besides Christmas and Thanksgiving. His 4th began the middle of June you see. I could always count on Grandpa sending me south with a pocket full of cash. I would surreptitiously slip across the state line into Missouri. About a half mile or so down the road stood, what I believed at the time, the world’s largest fireworks outlet store. They appeared to have everything one could imagine at least to a teenager. Now, I never traveled alone. I needed someone to ride shotgun just in case I should have an encounter with law enforcement. Remember in those days the cell phone was not even thought of; neither were computers, seat belts, radar detectors and so forth. We were kind of fireworks runners; similar to the moonshiners in Kentucky.

I made sure to purchase some exotics for Grandpa. If it were unusual, he wanted it. I procured the customary firecrackers, m80’s, roman candles, sparklers and such. When we were done, the truck was pretty full. We “secreted” the goods under a blanket. Who would ever suspect. We would drive south to the first town, grab a bite to eat. Then head home praying we didn’t have car trouble or have a guilty look that would raise suspicion on our activities. We were lucky having made the trip many times and never getting busted.

The fun would usually begin a few days before the 4th. Grandpa would fire off and occasional firecracker thought out the day. The number would gradually increase as we got closer to the 4th. He would launch a rocket or two in the evening. On the 4th, you would be shaken out of bed at 6:00 am by an opening salvo of firecrackers along with m80’s for good measure. There was no sleeping in on the 4th. Fireworks sprinkled throughout the day, there were parades to go to. There was the huge farm family meals with friends and relatives stopping in late afternoon because they knew, Grandpa had his own fireworks show at dusk. On the porch, we had an old coca cola pop cooler. The type where the lid on top opened to show the water filled cooler. The water was ice cold; perfect for pop AND watermelon. There would be 3 of 4 big watermelons in there for the 4th.

At dusk, under the direction of Grandpa, my brothers and I would be dispatched half way down the driveway, setup up the rocket launchers and with the firing of an m80, the show would begin. It would last for maybe 10 minutes and was really pretty impressive if I do say so myself. For a teenager, it was a hoot. The farm in the country was pretty immune to any law enforcement. It really didn’t matter because my dad and Grandpa were on first name basis with them. It was really a day to show our pride in our country and those who made and kept it free so that we could celebrate this way. Surely, all of you have similar memories of Independence Day.

Whatnots- Why don’t I have any tattoos? For the same reason you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.PS_0159W_THING_HEAD

Wouldn’t life be perfect if sweatpants were sexy, Mondays were fun, junk food didn’t make you fat, girls didn’t cause so much drama, guys weren’t so confusing, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?

I had time to catch up to Jimmy, owner of Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop this past weekend. He informed me that the Bakken oil pipeline is about to run under his parking lot. I questioned why he would sell to these oil guys. Simple, he needs the money. He has recently been inspected by both OSHA and the health dept.

OSHA wants better railings around the outdoor sky deck dining area and the cliffside dining/fishing dock overlooking the river some 60 feet below. And the extension cord running from the kitchen out to the self-serve cooler, with several splices in it from Jimmy always thinking the lawn mower will miss it, needs to be replaced with underground wiring. He may balk on that one as he can buy hundreds of cords and electrical tape by the pallet from Menards at 11% off, delivered by his good buddy Danno, b4 he hits the cost of underground.

As for the health dept., just look at the place. Picnic tables with more ketchup and mustard on them than paint, bait next to the brats in the self-serve cooler (which is turned off at night when the kitchen lights go off), specialty meats labeled just that-specialty meat, parking lot dust blowing in thru the order windows and over the cooking area (Jimmy calls it his secret flavoring), live bait being retrieved from the 2 outdoor tanks with a french fry basket. Health code violations go on and on. And the most serious being that the house beer is Blatz.

So as you can see, Jimmy needs a one-time large cash infusion. Since he’s making all these improvements, he will be at the next CR city council mtg. asking for a 10 yr. 100% tax rebate. He anticipates adding one more to his staff-a maitre-de or whatever those guys are.

Charles, not his real name, told me Jimmy has plans to get his due from the pipeline owners in case the TIF doesn’t fly. As the line goes directly under the minnow tank, he plans to tap the oil line, come up thru the tank with a spigot, passing it off as an aerator, and thus have a lifetime supply of free cooking oil, calling it another in his long line of special flavorings. Shoot he may do it even if he gets the TIF rebate.

With the anticipated savings from not having to buy cooking oil again, he plans to open a hobby shop. He also has a long term pipe dream of opening the roof-top restaurant in the new 28 story downtown tower. He would use old Blatz kegs to transport the oil to the new site.

Remember your Vietnam Veterans – All gave some, some gave all!! If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!