Hysteria Lane #310 –6/7/2016

If I am ever on life support, unplug me….
Then plug me back in…See if that works.

Welcome everyone to Drivel Over Coffee, the blog; musings, memories and whatnot infused with the earthy aroma of French Roast Coffee with a dose of rant mixed in on occasion. My look upon life as seen through dog-licked glasses.

Congratulations to Robt. & HS on their 50th Anniversary. All met at a supper club – 2 mile, 3 mile, 9 yards or something. Great food was consumed by all. It was a great time. A thoughtful Robt. presented me with 2 Pete’s famous burgers, which I must confessed I heartily consumed Sunday night. Yum!! In addition, I overheard bits and pieces of conversations throughout the party. It made an old dad proud to hear his daughter being talked about or referenced in glowing and positive ways. Along with Pete’s burgers, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Crime Wave, maybe Spree. It has turned to summer on Hysteria Lane and apparently criminals have found the untapped treasures on Hysteria Lane. I was clueless until one of Hysteria Lanes Hotties called one night. A daylight robbery occurred the day before 2 houses down from her and across the street from us. Yikes, we were home all that day. Coincidentally, I was writing my blog in my computer room and happened to look out the window to watch a guy “retrieving” some tools and etc. from behind a house. I had sat there like a dummy and watched the WHOLE robbery. Not knowing anything was wrong at the time, I did have the presence of mind to snap a few cell phone photos. My next door neighbor watched and called 911 while it was in progress but evidently the police had to finish a second cup of coffee before responding. It was 20 minutes before they showed up. The neighbor got the feeling they were just going through the motions. What is that saying? Oh yeah, “Blue Lives Matter!” Rumor has it that another robbery happened a few weeks earlier. Shotgun is loaded next to the bed, security camera is set, concealed carry permit is in play. A few years ago a thief did break into my house……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

My current wife celebrated her milestone birthday last Thursday. It was one of those that ends in zero. Jenny, the elder, Debby the younger elder, and I conspired to help her celebrate her birthday in a special way. The three of us put together a plan to get her on a bus with us and go into Chicago for a Cubs baseball game. It took a lot of misdirection, phony plans, and outright lies. We told her that we would go in on July 4th for her birthday. Jenny sent informational texts regarding payment details, seat assignments and so forth for July 4th. I told her I had a special day planned for her and that we had to leave early. Debby was “babysitting” Murphy. Actually he was just staying there. All went as planned on Thursday morning. I got her loaded into the car without too many questions. We got to the departure sight. Still confused as to why we were there she spied our girls. My current wife got out of the car, hugged the girls with tears when she realized that she was going to the game ON her birthday. It was so much fun to have sprung a TOTAL surprise making her sev**** th birthday memorable. I told her not to worry about becoming senile for senility has been a smooth transition for me.

A friend of our family passed away. We, of course went to the funeral. He was a cardiologist and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When we all turned and stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…. I’m a gynecologist.” The proctologist fainted.

This is clean and cute. A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place Yoga Squirrelwas hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’ ‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’ ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a Drink?’ ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see, laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

Memories – The Allure of Manure. I don’t have anything new on this subject. I just like the sound of “Allure of Manure”. On second thought I do have something new. On our farm, we had a nice big barn. It was white. My dad raised milk cows, some pigs, and a lot of chickens. The chickens were in the upper level of the barn, usually the hay mow. I was lucky enough to be able to gather the eggs from overly protective chickens. On occasion, when we had calves, I would try to make them become horses. One time we had a calf in a pen in the barn. It was a pen about 15 feet by 15 feet. I had the bright idea of riding this animal. I carefully lowered myself onto its back. It was at that moment that two things occurred to me. One was that I didn’t have anything to hold onto. The second was that this calf did not like being ridden one bit. Within a span of just a few seconds, I bounced two or three times on its back surely ruining my chances of siring off-spring, flung in the air, colliding with the wooden rails of pen and landing on the floor covered in straw. The face down fall cushioned by manure. It took weeks to rid myself of the smell of calf poop. Hence, my Allure of Manure.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day……. and forget 5 others. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented…. I forgot where I was going with this. Oh yeah, my dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW, right? Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Whatnots- WHO WILL PAY THE PECKER CHECKER? I have one very important question about the whole anti-LGBT bathroom legislation! Who will pay the Pecker Checker? And how much money will a Pecker Checker make? Do we pay a Pecker Checker by the pecker? One more question! How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker can check peckers? If things get out of hand, so to speak, we can hire PC Restroom Services! Their motto? If you gotta pee, we gotta see! Or is it peppers? Who picked a peck of pickled peppers…? Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers, where is the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? A pickled pepper picked a peck of Peter Pipers. A peck of Peter Pipers a pickled peckers picked. If a pickled pepper picked a peck of Peter Pipers, where is the peck of Peter Pipers a pickled pepper picked? I am sooo confused.

Stay Off Your Bicycle – During a recent Old Farts Coffee Klatch, Herbie related this story. Herbie’s wife Nancy found out that their dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Nancy that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month. Nancy went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.” Nancy said, “I’m not using it under my arms.” The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.” Nancy replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.” The pharmacist said, “Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.Out of Coffee

If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!