My Health? #307 –5/17/2016

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl back to my loneliness.” ― Maya Angelou

Welcome everyone to Drivel Over Coffee, the blog; musings, memories and whatnot infused with the earthy aroma of French Roast Coffee with a dose of rant mixed in on occasion. My look upon life as seen through dog-licked glasses. My current wife’s birthday is the first of June. I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for your birthday?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’ And that’s when the fight started….

Musings – I have told you before my goal for 2016 is to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go. I ate a salad for dinner last night! It was mostly croutons & tomatoes. To be honest it was really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza. Happy?
Food Tip: How to prepare Tofu – 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some Meat.

I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented…. I forgot where I was going with this. Oh Yeah, this is it, my dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW, right? I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

After being married for 49 years, I took a careful look at my current wife one day and said, “Forty nine years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My current wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

That brings me to the blonde who pushed her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.” She asks, “How often do I have to do that?” Ah, German engineering!!!

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a bus stop bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” I said, “Well, then why are you crying?” She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, “Well, why are you crying?” She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.” Again I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Memories – My grandfather some would say was a character. I thought of him as just an old guy with nothing to do but to tease the heck out of everyone. He would go to town in his Cadillac park along the street; sit in his car and watch people walk by. Occasionally, an acquaintance would stop by and chat for a while. I would go with him sometimes, run errands for him and bum around town. I remember on a Saturday, we parked in his usual spot on the main drag. Before I could get out and go about my business, a guy walked up to Grandpa’s window. He needed directions and spoke with a noticeable brogue. Grandpa finds out this Irish guy is a farmer and asks, “Just how much land do you own over there?” The Irish farmer replies, “I can ride my horse North for an entire day and never reach the end of my property. I can then turn East and ride for yet another day and still never reach the end of the property.” Grandpa replied, “Oh, I had a horse like that too. I had to shoot it.”

I remember the day a Department of Highways employee stopped by the farm and talked with Grandpa. He told Grandpa, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.” Grandpa said, “OK, but don’t go in that field.” The Highways employee said, “I have the authority of the State of Iowa to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.” So the Grandpa went about his chores. Later, Grandpa and I heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was our prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step. Grandpa calls out, “Show him your card, smartass!!”

Whatnots– What do you know about penguins? How about Dead Penguins? I never knew this! Have you ever wondered why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: “Freeze a jolly good fellow.” “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? It’s so easy to fool OLD people. I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Not everyone who lost his life in Vietnam died there. Not everyone who came home from Vietnam ever left there. If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!