Signs #305 5/3/2016

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” Mark Twain

Welcome everyone to Drivel Over Coffee, the blog; musings, memories and whatnot infused with the earthy aroma of French Roast Coffee with a dose of rant mixed in on occasion. My look upon life as seen through dog-licked glasses. Please pinch me – I am living the dream.

Musings – After being married for forty-nine years, out of the blue my current wife asked me to describe her. I looked at her for a long moment, then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.” She asks, “What does that mean?” I explained, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.” She smiled happily and said… “Oh, that’s so lovely” Then as an after-thought she asked, “What about I, J, K?” I said, “I’m Just Kidding!” The swelling in my eye has gone down for the most part. The doctor is fairly optimistic about saving my family jewels.

Years ago our family attended church on a regular basis – like never missed a Sunday. It was common knowledge that the Bailey pew was next to the thermostat on the right side. We didn’t actually occupy an entire pew. Rather we owned the right half. Directly in front of us sat an elderly couple. Very nice people. One of my kids (I’ve forgotten which one) pointed out one Sunday that the male member of the duo had a nice growth of hair growing from his ears. I shushed her and told her not to point. The damage was done. Every Sunday after, I couldn’t take my eyes off of his ears. I told the family in no uncertain words that should I ever have long ear hairs to just shoot me. Fast forward to Easter this year. Sitting next to me was daughter Debby, the younger elder. In mid-service she leaned over and whispered in my ear; “I’m going to have to shoot you”. While processing that comment I felt a tugging on my ear. Yep, you guessed it – ear hair and Debby was tugging them.

The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, running down their friends, side-stepping responsibility, and pushing their luck.
I had my annual teeth cleaning last week. It was nothing unusual. I was reminded that every dental hygienist I have had has been a “chatty Cathy” type. Susan is no exception. She tells me about her family and what they have been doing so on and so forth. Perplexing to me is that she asks me questions during her monologue which cannot be answered with a mouth full of water, tools and fingers.

Memories – I had two brothers; one was seven years older, the other was eleven years younger. So growing up it was like being an only child. I got accustomed to playing by myself on the farm. I was never really bored. Imagine how exciting it was to have new neighbors move in across the road who had a kid a year younger than me. Wow, someone to play with. We had so much fun together and got into more than our share of trouble. I remember the time I was showing Bill a new trick I had learned. Bill is sitting in the grass, cross legged. I am twirling a claw hammer in front of him. Yes, I was showing off a bit. My trick I explained was to clutch the hammer at the head with your arm at your side. Next swing your arm forward. As you swing, you loosen you grip which allows the hammer to slide forward through your grip. You next tightened you grip on the handle just before it flew out of your hand. Required dexterity and coordination. I executed the trick with skill and little dexterity. The hammer flew out of my hand like being shot out of a cannon. I watched in slow motion as the hammer soared in a gentle arc toward Bill. The claw of the hammer smacked him right in the middle of his forehead. The ensuing crying was commensurate to the amount of blood pouring from his head. He went home. We didn’t play the rest of the day. In fact, I believe I was forbidden to handle tools without adult supervision for a loooong time. The scar was not huge.

Whatnots- Backpfeifengesicht (German) – A face that is in need of a fist.
Fit(ish): Semi-fit; Kinda fit; Someone who likes the idea of being fit but equally likes food.

A man was seated next to a child in an airplane. The man turned to the child and said. “Let’s talk.” “Okay. What do we talk about?”, the boy replied. The man said (making fun of the kid): “How about nuclear power?” “Very interesting topic.” The boy said, “But let me ask you a question… Horse, cow & deer all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat patty and horse clumps. Why?” “I don’t know.” said the man. The boy then retorted, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear issues when you don’t know shit?”

Here’s Your Sign –
Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.”
Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”
Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Tire Shop: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
Front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Not everyone who lost his life in Vietnam died there. Not everyone who came home from Vietnam ever left there. If I can make at least one-person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!