In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. — John Adams
Happy Easter everyone. I trust you are alive and well. I guess if you weren’t alive, you probably would not be reading this – so never mind. We are coming to you this day from our favorite coffee shop hang out – Coffeesmiths. Whether you need a quiet break for yourself or a pleasant place to meet with friends, Coffeesmiths provides you with a delicious tradition of comfort and excellence. They offer plug-ins and free WIFI at every table and booth so you can power up your favorite laptop or tablet.
Today I would like to announce that I am now officially a member of the “Grumpy Old Man Club” as evidenced by the beautifully embroidered cap that I received yesterday. Hold down the applause please. Many of you have wished I would get in for a long time. You will note that I am a “Founder Member”. I would like to see our men’s breakfast club at church become a local chapter seeing as how all of these guys would certainly qualify for membership.
On another note, perhaps a sour one, a friend of mine, Charles (not his real name) has honored Jimmy’s Grill and Bait Shop in his model train menagerie. He has placed a scale replica of Jimmy’s prominently next to the stream in his layout. I feel quite honored by this replica. As Charles tells me he is contacting the Chamber of Commerce to see if we can a ribbon cutting in front of the replica. Here is a photo of the establishment. Note that night crawlers are $2.00 a dozen which seems high but they are the best quality around. Also note that a triple bacon cheeseburger with fries and a pitcher of Blatz beer – $8.00. Jimmy has a self-serve bait service behind the café and some roof top seating over-looking the river. Thanks Charles (not his real name) for this honor.
Jimmy has been invited to the ribbon cutting ceremony in Charles basement. His lovely wife Annette (not her real name) will be handling the crowd control. Space is a bit limited in the basement. Dignitary seating will be around the newly installed hump yard. The hump yard has been tried and tested. She will be leading small groups down and up with tours lasting around ten minutes each. A small wine bar will be set up on the washing machine. Charles will provide a variety of vintage wines he has collected during his many winery excursions. Jimmy will, of course, be the keynote speaker. I trust Jimmy will include the latest river conditions and information on the hot fishing spots. Plan to join this event which will be a highlight for this neighborhood.
I walked into Jimmy’s the other day after learning of the event Charles had planned. It was my plan to get a sense of what Jimmy thought of the notoriety. I found Jimmy stocking the meat display cooler which is his morning ritual. It is always neatly arranged with the refrigerated bait on the left, followed by the leaches and brats. I asked Jimmy why the leaches were there instead over by the specialty meats. After he stopped laughing, he explained the leeches tend to attack the liver and that isn’t a good thing. I had to agree. But as near as I could tell, Jimmy didn’t exhibit any change in his demeanor. He seemed absolutely un-phased with his new celebrity status. I did notice that the candy bars had been rearranged with the faded wrappers moved below some newer ones. The bubble gum machine had a fresh batch of gum balls. Good thing. The old ones were becoming more like jaw breakers instead of bubble gum. If you were lucky enough to make a bubble it would shatter when popped.
Follow-up – I received a considerable amount of feedback from last week’s blog featuring the exercise diary of mine. There were several threats of physical harm to which I responded that nothing they would do would be any worse than the torture Missy put me through. I am not certain but I believe the gym is reviewing my membership status. At the least they will put me on their endangered species list. At best they will revoke my membership. I have had a couple of Silver Sneakers picketing in front of my house the past couple of days demanding an apology. This was primarily my current wife, Sue, and a friend of hers. I am being shunned by the ladies on Hysteria Lane. I mean really – isn’t this just a little insane? You would think I was Donald Trump or something.
Did I read that sign right? –
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG
AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer’s field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS
THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
We who have seen war never stop seeing it. Stay well, Brother. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!