Spring! #297 3/8/2016

“You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t – Yeah, I don’t have one of those.”

Spring is Springing!!! Oh, such a wonderful time of the year with the flowers poking their heads out of the ground for the first time, birds have their happy chirp going, Murphy is sunbathing in his sunny spot on the patio. Yep, puts a little pep in your step. Now just watch, Mother Nature with snow on our parade.

Unique Name Day – Finally a Day for me. Yes, I think Doyce is rather unique? Do you have any friends who have unique names? Take a moment on Unique Names Day to consider the fact that we have to go through life without ever sharing a name with a famous celebrity, being presented with personalized merchandise at fair, zoos and events, and to probably have to spell our name to everybody we ever meet. I remember being 8 or 9 years old standing in front of a rotating display with personalized license plates to put on my bike. I would spin that display around and around knowing I had missed my name. Finally, mom saw my dilemma and came to my aid. Gently, she explained that I would never find my name since it was unique forever scaring me. Couldn’t have damaged my psyche any more if Doyce had been branded on my forehead. What I wouldn’t give to have a name like Bill, Frank, Sue or Jody. Some name where I could find on a license plate for a bike. Then again, having a unique name is pretty cool, and a great talking point!

Jimmy’s – I drove over to Jimmy’s Grill and Bait Shop last week for our weekly get together for coffee and week-old pastries (they are free). I noticed Jimmy had fresh crushed rock put down on his parking lot. This is an annual rite of spring. Who knows where the rock goes but it goes somewhere. Jimmy put a new sign on the wall next to the door reading “Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop; We’ll Get You on a Fish; Extra Large Night crawlers & Assorted Bait”. It hung next to the “Minnows – Live” sign. As I was the first to arrive, I claimed our table; the one next to the window overlooking the river and dock area. It really was a serene sight with the water cascading downstream over the rocky riverbed, the smell of stinky old fish bait and pastries assaulting my nose at the same time. The rest of the guys take up a seat one at a time around the table. Pastries are in an aluminum pie tin in the middle of the table. I am at peace sipping on something similar to French Roast while gnawing on a shriveled hard glazed donut while staring out the window. The guys are talking back and forth. I didn’t pay much attention until Herbie tells about a visit to the emergency room the day before. Seems as though Herbie broke a glass in the kitchen. His wife, Nancy, got a broom to sweep the glass up. Herbie asked her if she was flying somewhere? Herbie tells how they both laughed and laughed. Next he knows he is in the emergency room explaining to the doctor how the broom got shoved up his rear.

I noticed an old fitness buff bundled up and kayaking in the river. Man, if he goes over he will be frozen instantly. Tuning back in to the guys, Red is explaining how the craziest thing happened to him over the weekend. Red had a daughter he had never met but always wanted to. On Wednesday evening he ordered a pizza from Papa Johns, Paul or Hugo or whatever. A young lady delivered it to him. The total was $19.95 so Red fumbled for a $20 and a $5 for a tip. As he fumbled, the delivery lady introduced herself to him as his daughter. Red & his long lost daughter hugged. They met after work he explained spending most of the night catching up. Just how cool is that? Way to go Red. Hey, Red did you ever pay for the pizza?

The guys were staring at me so I stopped daydreaming. I had been uncharacteristically quiet. Actually, I caught Spud about to hold a mirror to my nose to see if I was still breathing. Good Grief Spud! Okay, my turn – here goes. I told them how I walked into Victoria Secret and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my current wife.” What type of bra?” asked the clerk. “Type?”, I asked, “There’s more than one type?” “Look around,” said Yvette (the clerk), as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”

Relieved, I asked about the four types. Yvette replied, “There are Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?” I asked about the differences between them. Yvette responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.”

Not to be out done, Billy Bob starts in with another one of his hunting stories. He tells these all the time. Seems as though between his Sewer Sucking and Sanitary Sewer business and hunting there is nothing else in his life. He starts with how he and Frank, his partner, go hunting. Frank has never gone hunting while he has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, he tells Frank to sit by a tree and not make a sound while he checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, he hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Frank and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!” Frank says, “Hey, I tried, I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, “Should we take them with us or eat them here?” I couldn’t keep quiet anymore!” ….And so it goes at Jimmy’s Grill & Bait Shop.

A Guy & His Cat – Once there was an old man who was flying from Boston to Denver with his cat. The cat was obviously kept in the pet section along with other pets. When the old man arrived in Denver, he didn’t get his cat along with the luggage and was extremely worried about it. “I want my cat back or else I am going to sue this airline”, the old man shouted at the airline worker. The baggage department was in chaos wondering where the cat went! Alas, they found the cat and his cage, but to their surprise, the cat was dead. The baggage authorities were already feeling guilty of making their valuable customer upset. “He will blow the airport if he finds out that his cat is dead”, an employee told another. They decided to replace the dead cat with a live one. The airline finally got the cat back to the old man. The old man looked at the cat and screamed, “This ain’t my cat, you morons! My cat was dead and I brought him home to get him buried!”

We, who have seen war, never stop seeing it. Stay well, Brother. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!