Be My Valentine….PLEASE! #294 2/16/2016

“My life is a simple thing that would interest no one. It is a known fact that I was born and that is all that is necessary.”

Holy Hearts, Batman – Be my Valentine, pretty please. Good morning all. What a weekend huh? We had Valentine’s Day on Sunday, on Monday it was President’s Day. Now today is “Do A Grouch A Favor” Day. I sent my current wife a beautiful e-card via email. Later on Sunday I gave her a special gift – a motion activated toilet night light! It is the latest craze. No more waking up from bright lights; stumbling in the dark; falling in the toilet or missing and making a mess! We have all experienced this once or twice. This light rotates through a rainbow (Red, Orange, Green, Blue, Turquoise, Purple, Pink, White) when activated.

I had the opportunity to try it out myself Monday morning around 2:30 am. In my sleepy stupor I stumbled into the bathroom careening off one wall then the other. Plop, I sit down. I commence my business. HOLY COW! The bathroom exploded into one color after another. As I continued, the intensity of the light show increased. The show was interrupted only when a pause in activity was sensed. Then it was red, green, orange, purple, and etc. all over again. Sleep returned around 4:00 am after taking 2 sleeping pills. Today I returned it to the store.

Sue, my current wife, wasn’t too thrilled with this latest example of my craziness. In fact, she said, “You are nuttier that a squirrel turd”. It would seem bad decisions make good stories. We proceeded to reminisce about other episodes of my rather deviant behavior. She asked if I recalled the time years ago when I left for work one Friday afternoon. As I remember, it was a pay-day, instead of going home, I stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending my entire paycheck. I finally returned home Sunday night. A very angry Sue confronted me at the door. She hammered for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting my actions. Finally she stopped the nagging and simply said to me, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which I replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and I didn’t see my current wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where I could see her a little out of the corner of my left eye. So it was that 2016 Valentine’s Day became another infamous day for me. My list of things needing forgiveness continues to grow. So, yes, I am still in need of a Valentine. The more the better I think.

I got up this morning intending to do my part by doing a favor for a grouch. I took the trash out since it was Trashy Tuesday in our area. I put a hand drawn happy face on each on container for the solid waste pick up guy. He seems to be grouchy. I probably would be too in that job. At breakfast, my wife asked, “Watchya doin’ today”? I said: “Nothin”. She said: “You did that yesterday”. I said: “I wasn’t finished”. It seems I actually was finished. I was given the opportunity to clean over-easy eggs out of the carpet that had dripped off my face having gotten there after being thrown at me.

It was evident I needed to run an errand to anywhere for any reason after that. I went over to Jimmy’s Bait & Grill store. The gang was having coffee there. I got out of the car and noticed Jimmy had a new sign. It read “Eat Here, Get Gas & Worms”. The guys were clustered around “our” table. Spud was even there. He had been missing for a few days. The story goes that Spud had gotten into it with Inez, his wife and was grounded. He said the last straw was when he told her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. Spud was not a happy camper so I bought Spud a day-old glazed donut. He was very appreciative. There “Do a Grouch a Favor” is done.

I had gotten to Jimmy’s just as Herbie was telling a Wal-Mart story. “Best moment I ever had in a Wal-Mart. I was in Colorado Springs. I had a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and a couple of other things. This woman whose cart was overflowing, almost runs me over to get in front of me at the 10 items line. The woman starts to unload her cart onto the checkout stand and the cashier says, “Which ten items would you like, ma’am?”

The woman stops and says, “What?” The cashier responds in a calm, patient tone, “This is a ten items or less express line.” While speaking she holds up both hands showing all ten fingers. Then she pointed to the sign above the lane which read Ten Items or Less in both English and Spanish.

The woman gets all red in the face and says, “I want all of this!” The cashier, “Ma’am, I’m sorry. As I said, this is a ten items or less line, please choose the ten items you’d like to purchase today.”

The woman at this point let out this noise that sounds like someone poked one of those screaming goats and shoved her still overflowing cart as hard as she could. It almost hit this little old man sitting on a bench. Then she gave all of us who were laughing at her the finger, said “F**k you!” and stormed out. I purchased my items and tipped the cashier a 20 for the best improv comedy moment I’d seen in years.” We roared and gave Herbie a pat on the back. That was a good one.

This and That – Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

The placement of a donkey’s eyes in its’ heads enables it to see all four feet at all times! It’s against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland! The elephant is the only mammal that can’t jump! Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand!

The first testicular guard, the “cup”, was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies…. Quit laughing.

Nine out of ten husbands agree that their wife is always right…. The 10th one mysteriously disappeared and hasn’t been heard from since!

SADLY – We lost two good friends this week. Both have left us way too soon and have left a huge hole that can’t be filled. T. Burger worked at Rockwell near my current wife and was an avid Hawkeye fan. K. Fitzgerald was a close friend of Jenny, the elder since their college days. She was also an avid Hawkeye fan.

A very good friend of ours, a Hawkeye tailgater, avid skier and all around good guy underwent lengthy surgery in Iowa City so say some prayers for him. Let’s us not have any more news like this for a while – okay?

We who have seen war never stop seeing it. Stay well, Brother. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!