Valentine’s Day is February 14th. In the United States, about 190 million Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, not including the hundreds of millions of cards school children exchange. Additionally, in recent decades Valentine’s Day has become increasingly commercialized and a popular gift-giving event, with Valentine’s Day themed advertisements encouraging spending on loved ones. In fact, in the United States alone, the average valentine’s spending has increased every year, from $108 a person in 2010 to $131 in 2013. The miser that I am I will more than likely fall well below the average. Have you got special plans? How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day?
This and That – I went into the restroom, settled in the stall, and tried desperately to relieve myself. After some time, I sighed, and realize I just can’t go. Suddenly, from the next stall I hear a loud plop. “Gee, I wish that was me.” I say. A voice on the other side says, “I wish it was you, too. That was my cell phone.”
A young man, on the way to visit his girlfriend in northern Michigan was caught speeding through one of the small towns just a few miles from his destination. The officer sauntered up to the car as the young man fished for his license and registration. With the hint of a wry smile across his face, the officer placed both elbows on the window of the car so he could get real close and spoke in a deep voice, “Son, I’ve been waitin’ all day for you.” “Sorry officer,” the young driver said. “I got here just as fast as I could.”
I went to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. I decided to grab a bite at the food court. I began watching a teenager sitting at the next table. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. I kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find me staring at time from time to time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on my response. In my classic style I replied, “Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
Having the Preacher for Dinner – When I was just a kid, about 7 or 8 years old, I remember the time we had the preacher over for supper. My dad, a farmer all his life, invited the new preacher and his wife to come out to the farm for supper. While my mom and the preacher’s wife were finishing preparations in the kitchen, my dad and the preacher talked in the living room. My dad was in the middle of telling the preacher that because he was sure that most ministers liked chicken, that’s what he had asked his wife to prepare.
That was when I, playing nearby, spoke up and said, “But I thought it was ‘buzzard’, not ‘chicken’ that we were eating today.” “Of course not, where did you ever get that idea?” demanded my dad while giving me the evil eye. “Well, I overheard you telling mom that we ought to hurry up and have the ‘old buzzard'” for dinner and get it over with.”
The Purina Diet – I have a Boston Terrier. I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Costco and standing in line at the checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Jokingly I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time. I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I noticed that practically everyone in the line and within earshot was by now riveted to my story, particularly one guy who was standing behind her. Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no – I stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle’s butt and a car hit me. One guy almost had a heart attack he was laughing so hard!
Super Bowl – Did you watch it? I did, most of it anyway. We had the family over for a small party. OMG, we had enough fixin’s to feed an army. From Brats and dogs to chips and dip and everything in between including veggie & fruit trays. I mentioned I saw most of it, well with a full belly, my eyes got a little heavy. BTW, did you know that when you over eat, the extra food apparently goes to your eyelids because they always get heavy? How about the ads this year? Did you think any of them were cute? What was your favorite? I liked the Doritos ad with the pregnant wife, husband and doctor. It was a hoot. I personally thought the half time show was pretty lame. But I am an old fart so what do I know? I was happy the Broncos won. I like Payton Manning and was hoping he would win in what I think was his last game.
We who have seen war never stop seeing it. Stay well, Brother. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again -TA!