Caucus – Are You Ready Iowa – #291

“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”  George Carlin

I wrote a letter to the Iowa Elections Commission last week. I wanted to thank them for honoring me by holding the Iowa Caucus’ on my birthday. It really has brightened a day that would otherwise be just another birthday. Not many notice anymore. I encourage everyone to exercise their civic duty by attending your caucus. Remember – “One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)”.

Turning to more important things, today is Spouse’s Day AND Peanut Brittle Day. Yes, a twofer. Spouse’s Day is dedicated to recognizing spouses of everywhere; from being thankful for fulfillment and security of a long-term relationship, to the boost to morale and well-being provided by spouses of those in the military.

Everyone loves a bit of Peanut Brittle, and the sweet treat, which dates back to the 19th century, has become so nationally adored that it has joined the legion of foods with their very own day. Celebrate the peanut based candy on Peanut Brittle Day by picking up a few bars from your local store or even attempting to make some yourself. I do NOT want you celebrating today so hard that you take your eye and appetite off of tomorrow. For the unknowing, tomorrow is CHOCOLATE CAKE DAY!!!!!!!. Yummo! Of course I will probably not get any but believe me I am with you in spirit.

Okay, enough of the “Day of Whatever” business. I saw a woman yesterday wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?” Next thing I remember is laying on the floor looking up at 8-10 people staring down at me. I felt confused. As confused as a homeless man on house arrest.

Let’s turn our focus to women who have become seasoned with age. More to the point, how men provide support and comfort to their spouse. It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. With that said, I have included an article by Ron and how he handled the situation with his wife, Carol.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men’s Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.  For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I’m not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Word has gotten back to me that people in the Silver Sneakers exercise group that I once attended have issued a demand that I return for an encore. For that matter the entire exercise facility have echoed that thought. My current wife, Sue, has acted as the messenger to this point in time. I had not realized that I had built such a following. Today, my current wife delivered a demand from Frau Fritz and her esteemed husband Fritz to get my a** into the gym. Discussing it with Sue, I am realizing that I may have perhaps overstated the number of people wondering when I will return. Also, I now think the term “demand” was overstated and was more like a casual question in a conversation of other topics. Regardless, I have taken the challenge to heart. I am preparing for my return because I feel I need to been be in suitable condition to avoid passing out on the first day. I have several at-home exercises to prepare me for the day. When I do my leg-lifts, I put on 2 pair of sweat socks. This increases the weight I am lifting. I have benched my 12 oz. drinking glass. Instead I am now using a hefty 16 oz. glass. I have also increased the number of ice cubes from 6 to 8. That combination really is exercising my biceps. I do a “plank” exercise where I lay on the floor, resting on my forearms and toes. I hold this position upwards to 5 minutes then rest for 2 minutes and repeat. I am getting really close to raising my stomach off the floor at the same time. These exercises have really helped my sleeping. I should return to Silver Sneakers in no time.

Forty-seven years ago today I was part of a battle on my base in Vietnam. We who have seen war never stop seeing it. Stay well, Brother. If I can make at least one person smile, or laugh till they leak, then my day was not wasted. Until we meet again –TA!